My Reality Gap

My perception of my chastity and Mrs. Lion’s are very different. It’s impossible for me to miss this gap when I read our blog. I write that I am surrendering control and Mrs. Lion seems to be more comfortable taking charge. I read that Mrs. Lion is feeling uncertain of what she is doing and that supporting my forced chastity and power exchange is hard, unfun, work. She writes that she does it because she loves me and knows it is something that makes me happy. I understand that. I love making Mrs. Lion happy. We have been head-over-heels in love for about 12 years now.

But if Mrs. Lion is making me wait, spanking me, anally playing with me, etc. because I want it, who is really in control? In some sense it has to be me. She does things I say I like. At the same time she wonders about me liking it. How can I “like” pain? “But if Lion likes it…” So, if I say tomorrow morning that I hate spanking, does that mean Mrs. Lion stops? What if I decide I don’t want to be locked in a chastity cage? Does she unlock me?

This is where intentions start becoming important. If Mrs. Lion actually wants me locked up and she actually wants to spank me because it reinforces her control, I know that the answer to those questions will be, “Absolutely not, my pet.” But if she does all this as a service to me, why shouldn’t she stop if I say I am tired of it?

When we started, I asked her to take control and I explicitly said that I can not withdraw consent for all of this. I said that she is in control and what happens is out of my paws and in hers. But if she doesn’t really get any value out of the control, is there any incentive to refuse my requests to stop?

In my mind, I have surrendered and have no expectation that I can stop the spanking, locking, anal play, and other uncomfortable activities associated with the power exchange. It’s important to me that I can honestly believe that no matter how much whining or grumbling I do that things will not change. I don’t want control. The problem is that Mrs. Lion doesn’t either. She’s made that clear.

I know that doesn’t mean she will stop. She won’t. But she has no real reason to continue if I am unhappy with her doing it. In my reality the reason she would continue is that she wants to train me and wants me to continue to understand that she is in charge of me sexually. In my reality, she spanks me because she wants to make a point or to play with me because I like it. But she sees no reason not to do whenever she wants. In my reality Mrs. Lion wants me to wait to orgasm so I learn she owns them as well as the rest of me.  My reality is very exciting to me.

Clearly, we see things very differently. Some might say I should just be grateful she is making my fantasies come true. In fact I am deeply grateful. But there is a catch. My fantasies are about loss of control. Mrs. Lion is doing all the things I said I wanted. The uncomfortable question is whether she will continue even if I no longer want them? In my reality there is no question. She will continue because she chooses to.

I suspect we are far from unique in this respect. I’ve known lots of top/bottom couples over the years. I can’t think of any that stayed in sync in terms of their top/bottom fantasies. As a result, most of them parted ways. I know that Mrs. Lion and I are in no danger of that happening. Our relationship isn’t based on top/bottom stuff. It’s based on love and respect. That’s wonderful. But it does beg the question of how to manage our differences.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It seems to me that we have to live in each other’s reality. I have to work hard to provide the vanilla affection and sexual attention she needs. She has to assume the role of my loving-but-firm keyholder. Even though she has no reason to continue if I want to stop, to live in my reality, she has to firmly refuse. For my reality to work, I need to be stuck in this cage no matter what. I have to accept spanking, etc. even if I truly learn to hate it. It’s what I want, even if I stop wanting it. Does that make sense? It does to me. I hope it does to Mrs. Lion.

1 Comment

  1. Author

    I’m a switch so I think I can understand at least a little of what each of you are feeling. I think I understand her more. What she says resonates with me.

    Just a few notes about women. I hope you understand that I’m going to have to speak in very general terms here.

    We women are socialized to please a man. To me that had previously meant give him sex when he wants it whether he initiates or not (his passive aggression), give him the kind of sex he wants, have my body looking the way he wants, be very careful not to go outside of his sexual comfort zone (no kink).

    We’re also taught not to hurt other people. No hitting, no bullying, speak kindly. Instead, please them. Give them what they ask for (food, sex, activities). Don’t hurt them, and denying a man orgasms was drilled into us very early party by the teenage guys who complained that they were doubling over in pain from blue balls. We were “nurses” often in the position of taking care of our guy. So we got them off whether we felt like it or not.

    Spanking falls into hurting people. I had a spankee once and since he was just a FWB it got tiresome. Spank, spank, spank and he bellows and comes in my lap. Rinse and repeat.

    I’m not sure about just sticking with it and hoping that she’ll come to enjoy controlling you more. I can say that holding the responsibility for her and your sexual satisfaction is a big job.

    Sometimes if there are still kids at home and she is the nurturing mommy, switching back and forth from sweet mommy to controlling wife/mistress is hard work when she’s already tired.

    What would I suggest to her if we sat down and talked? Maybe keep you in chastity with no expected date of release and you wouldn’t be allowed to ask about when you might get a release. If you did ask to be released, chastity would be off the table for some period of time. Long enough that you would be back in the position of deeply desiring to be denied and she would be free from the worry and responsibility.

    And this bit more, what if perhaps one of the items in her job description, spanking or anal play, was taken off the menu. She might feel relieved. If she’s anything like me, I keep a running list in my head of everything that’s going on in the household. Groceries, recipes, meals, dishes, laundry, activities, housecleaning, bill paying, entertaining, cat food, vet appointments. And to add to that, does he need or want a spanking, does he need some ass play, does he need some teasing and denial, is enough to tip the whole Jenga game into pieces on the coffee table.

    This could just be a personal message for you two. You don’t need to publish it.

Comments are closed.