Your husband has asked you to spank him. If you are reading this, the chances are good that you have never considered this practice before. He may have asked you to spank him if he does something wrong. Something wrong? Never mind the spanking, doesn’t having you decide if he does something wrong feel, well, yucky?

Some guys want to be spanked just because it is arousing to have their bottoms swatted. A subset of this group also wants the spanking to be for something. He’s asking you for much more than a red backside. He probably doesn’t have a well-formed idea of exactly what he wants. As a man who started that way, let me suggest that it’s important to pursue this with him. This is the sort of emotional-sexual request that can fester and cause relationship troubles later.

I’m sure it occurred to you that he wants a mommy to punish him when he is being “bad.” That’s the only female authority figure that most of us can identify. It isn’t necessarily what he has in mind. While mom may have started all this, it doesn’t mean that there isn’t an adult version of female authority. He may have fantasies of you managing every aspect of his life. Hopefully, he’s smart enough not to ask for that. If he does, ignore it.

What he wants is for you to have a reason to spank him. It’s more fun for him if you call him out for something and then spank him. Spanking as foreplay is nice, but the added drama of punishment is way hotter for most guys who want to be spanked. My wife is very smart and figured this out when I asked her to spank me. She created useful-but-trivial rules for me to obey. I was to be punished if I spilled food on my shirt, left the shower door open, or failed to set up the coffee maker for the next day. Simple, emotion-free rules that earned me spankings if I broke them.

She picked things that I was sure to forget. That way, I got frequent chances to feel her paddle. Those rules didn’t make her my mommy. My role as man of the house didn’t change. The spankings worked. I almost never break those rules now. We are looking for new ones for her to enforce.

Many men want spankings to be ritualistic, with special “spanking panties,” scolding, and post-spanking rituals. There’s nothing wrong with that, but they aren’t necessary. In our house, Mrs. Lion tells me what rule I broke. Then, later, she brings out the spanking bench and invites me to ride it. When I’m in position, she spanks me. That’s it.

My point is that many men are their own worst enemies. The present spanking and female authority is a complex process that turns the marriage upside-down. If he wants to pretend that you are his queen and own everything he does, that’s fine. All you have to do is make and enforce rules that feel comfortable to you.

what about the “mommy” stuff

I suppose it’s inescapable that part of a marriage is that each partner takes on a sort of mommy or daddy role. The model of mom comforting us is a powerful one. There’s nothing wrong with that to be taken up by my wife. It doesn’t make her my mother. It simply lets me retreat into the comfort of feeling childhood security. The same is true of me providing that for my wife. One reason I make many decisions in our marriage can be attributed to the traditional daddy figure.

If you like the traditional male/female roles, the idea of punishing your husband can make an emotional mess. He’s asking you to take charge and punish him if he misbehaves. Doesn’t that mean you are now the head of the household? Do you have to make all of the major decisions? That’s the fantasy. You take over. In real life, it doesn’t work that way. One change you can make is to embrace the mommy role.

Your husband may want you to spank him for breaking a rule because it lets him return to the safe harbor of childhood. He does something that upsets you. You punish him. All is forgiven. That sequence feels very safe and secure to a man who has to live in a world where he’s never sure of his place. It isn’t just the punishment and forgiveness that helps. It’s the agreement that you will always be there for him. You will express your dissatisfaction with a paddle instead of passive aggression.

This is very powerful. One reason I encourage my wife to punish me if I annoy her is that if I know I will be punished if I do. I also know that nothing is left unsaid that might put space between us. A spanking is a lot like a hug. It communicates love. Yes, the spanking hurts. It’s supposed to. It also takes effort for you to deliver. If you didn’t care for him, you wouldn’t invest the time and energy to spank him.

Listen to this post.