Still Consensual?

I worked from home yesterday. A repairman came to fix an appliance. I had physical therapy and an appointment with the surgeon. I no longer have to go to physical therapy regularly. I just have to come in every couple of weeks for monitoring. I’ll have to do strength exercises at home. I have my range of motion back and am mostly pain free.

This is a gigantic weight off my mind. It’s been a tough eight months since the surgery. I’ve never been through anything like this before. Now I’m  officially back. It’s true that I won’t be able to lift much with my right hand. The surgeon told me that it will be next May before I can handle any lifting over a few pounds.

I have no more excuses to break rules. The paddle and punishment stool are back for keeps. My attitude toward their use has changed. I’m not aroused at the thought of spanking and other punishments. In the past, it was very erotic to think about them. Now, they are just something to avoid.

This change is most likely temporary. However, I think it is possible that this is good for us. About a week ago, Mrs. Lion spanked me for spilling food. We both reported how “pissed” I looked. It was because I genuinely didn’t want to be spanked. I don’t ever remember feeling this way. I was being punished and I hated the prospect.

Does this new allergy to punishment mean that Mrs. Lion no longer has my consent to beat me? I’ve given that serious thought. She’s doing all this stuff because she knows I want it. Now we have to go deeper into what “want” means.

All these feelings are mine alone. Mrs. Lion is doing a great job being consistent with me. She’s doing exactly what we discussed so often in the past. I’m getting what I want.

I don’t want to be the object of the trite “Be careful what you wish for…” saying. I don’t believe that my feelings about punishment are regret for setting these relationship changes in motion. It really isn’t.

Maybe the change is my contribution to the new balance in our relationship. I’m separating erotic fun from serious discipline. I never thought that would happen. I figured that I would always present my butt with some erotic anticipation. I would stay sexually charged until the pain of the spanking drove those ideas from my head. That’s how it used to work.

No more.

I know exactly how miserable I will feel when spanked. There’s no erotic component. I got angry because I put myself in the situation.  I had absolutely no interest in being spanked and even less about sitting on the punishment stool. I was angry that I was sloppy when eating. During the punishment and long afterward (now), I am committed to not breaking that rule.

I suspect that my fear will diminish and I will get sloppy about a rule. When I do, I’ll be pissed again. Mrs. Lion will pay no attention, and she will punish me severely.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Lion still has my consent. She’s doing the right thing. Indeed, I am getting what I wished for. I’m not being asked how I feel about it.

My role is to learn at the cost of my bottom. The more severe the punishment. the longer the beating goes on, the less likely I will be a repeat offender in the near future. Repeated offenses  will earn more pain, a lot more pain. Poor Lion.


  1. Author

    I think this is a good example of how the Self has many layers: there’s no single summation of desires and aversions.

    I myself LOVE being scared of Xena and the pain she can dish out. The fact of it is an aphrodisiac to me. The actuality, less so.

    And, like you, I like living with the discipline.

    1. Author

      It sounds like fear is a turn on for you. It isn’t for me. My point is that the sexual component of discipline is fading for me. I’m not sure why and I don’t know if it will return. That’s what makes all this so concerning. What does it mean if the discipline is not even fun to think about? How does that change my relationship with Mrs. Lion?

      1. Author

        The turn on is definitely there for me. However, I also feel most comfortable living with the discipline. It just feels right having Xena in charge. So my experience does chime with yours, I think.

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