One of the most positive results of writing this blog is my discovery and affirmation of Mrs. Lion’s love for me. Of course I always knew she loved me very much, but only since reading her daily posts do I get a clear insight on how much we mean to each other.
Small things can have very big effects. When Mrs. Lion wrote of her fear I might leave if she hurt me too much when punishing me, she said that if I left, I would take her whole world with me. That simple phrase struck me profoundly. I don’t think that I ever considered I could be that important to anyone. One sentence in a blog post set me straight on that.
I know how much I love her. A while ago she had a chance to visit her two youngest kids when they were Oregon. She drove to meet thim without letting me know. When I got home and she wasn’t there, I worried. As time went by I panicked. Finally, I was able to raise her on her cell phone. I was deeply confused and hurt that she left without telling me. I was afraid I would never see her again.
It was all irrational; just as her fears of me walking out if she spanks me too hard. But it was very real to me. I could see her driving off and never returning. This wasn’t so much a lack of faith in her as it was my fear that I’m not that important to anyone. I don’t think she ever fully understood why I was so profoundly shaken. To this day my stomach knots when I think about that day.
Both of our fears are the product of earlier, painful relationships. In my case it is a fear of abandonment. I paid a lot of money to learn about it in therapy. Unfortunately, I haven’t learned how to lose the fear. Mrs. Lion comes from a relationship where she had to take anything she needed. Her partner was too self-centered to consider her needs. Her unannounced trip to see her son mirrored the way she acted in the past. She had no way to know how badly I was hurt.
I think the point of this is that most of us react based on old information. In our case, there was never a threat to our relationship. But we behaved as though we expected the worst. As a result we hurt ourselves and each other. There is a logical problem with understanding positive change. We always wait for the other shoe to drop. Yes, everything is wonderful now, but wait It is coming. Endless positive experiences don’t prove the negative won’t happen someday.
When we introduced enforced chastity and later, domestic discipline, we added new stress to our relationship. Both practices require asserting power over me. It’s very hard for Mrs. Lion to do that if she worries she might accidentally drive me away. I am always concerned that I am asking too much of her and she will grow bored with me and my kinks. I worry that she considers these things I like as distasteful work. Sooner or later she will probably leave me.
We reassure each other daily. Mrs. Lion proceeds very gingerly as she moves into her authoritative role. The least little move I make that suggests I am angry makes her want to pull back. Every time I ask her to do something for/to me, I worry it will be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
These are all way under the surface. I know that my lioness will stay with me no matter what. But I am always a little frightened that my world will end if I lose her. Love never ends well. It always ends in either death or divorce. The trick is to live in the present. It’s necessary for me to be brave and trust the strength of Mrs. Lion’s love for me. I do. I truly do. But the little kid inside me is still scared.