Last night Lion said he’s sure he’s the problem with my libido. He just doesn’t turn me on. And he’s not sure he ever did. That’s an awful lot of pressure to put on himself. And me.
First of all, he’s right that he doesn’t turn me on. Nothing does. No one does. Wires are crossed somewhere. Maybe the combination of drugs, or just one drug, I take short circuits things. It’s not like I see guys on TV or on the street that make me weak in the knees, while Lion doesn’t. It’s not like I look at Mr. Weenie and say, “Great. Not this again.” I love Mr. Weenie. I love Lion.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I have a mental block about sex. That may seem crazy since it’s a large part of what we talk about in the blog, but it’s mostly Lion’s sexual escapades. Maybe I’ve put him first and subconsciously I can’t get turned on because I won’t let myself get turned on. Maybe it really is all about Lion in my mind. I want to be clear: I am not blaming Lion for this theory. He’s ready, willing, and able to give me all the orgasms I want, whenever I want them. I just don’t want them and I’m spitballing why that might be.
We’ve tried scheduling orgasms for me just as Lion has scheduled orgasms. The problem with that is it feels too staged. I like spontaneity. Of course, without a libido, there is no spontaneity. I’ll never roll over and give Lion that same little leer he gives me when he’s looking for love if I don’t feel it. It stands to reason that I need to do something to jump start it. Scheduling an orgasm seems like the way to go. Maybe we need to go back to that. When I first started spanking Lion, I was positive I was going to hurt him. And it seemed ridiculous to spank him. It took a while to get over that. Maybe it will take a while to get over the ridiculousness of a scheduled orgasm for me.
Maybe it has to be all about me for a while. Maybe we need to stop enforced chastity and FLR for a while to focus on the search for my lost libido. I can see that taking a disastrously wrong turn so I think we’ll save that idea as a last resort. I don’t want to lose any ground we fought so hard to gain.
At this point, I guess the answer is forcing the issue with more orgasms for me whether I want them or not. I’m just not used to having all the attention focused on me. It’s a lot to get my head wrapped around.