In my touring of the FLR / enforced chastity blogs, I sometimes see a post written by the surrendered male about how he feels neglected (not usually in these words) because his top/keyholder isn’t pushing his buttons. He feels that he is serving in a vacuum, following his rules, serving her, but not getting the feedback he needs. I’ve heard this sort of comment many times before in the leather community. Sometimes it is justified. The top is preoccupied or distracted and just doesn’t have the bandwidth to “properly” manage her male.

Before going any further, let me say that this isn’t about Mrs. Lion. She makes a conscious effort to make sure I feel her power. But this is about something that happens at one time or another to every submissive. Ironically, I think that most often this is not caused by conscious neglect, but by consideration. Our tops tend to be women who love us. They assume their roles out of love for us. It’s true that many absolutely need to be in charge, but even then I think the primary motive is love. What happens is that life intrudes. The male is having a bad time at work, or he’s sick, or his libido isn’t very strong. Since his top loves him, the most natural thing in the world is to cut him slack and suspend or reduce the power exchange; an act of kindness.

But how does the male experience this? In many cases he feels that his top has withdrawn from him. She isn’t taking control. I doubt he sees this as kindness. Bear in mind that being submissive in any respect is a dependent role. By definition, the submissive’s very center is the happiness of his top. Giving him space often feels more like neglect. What’s to do? The answer is simple and very difficult: communicate. Tops are not always telepathic. They can’t read minds and magically understand what their bottoms need. As a bottom, I owe it to Mrs. Lion to tell her if I am feeling neglected. I’ve done it several times in the past. Her response is always, “What can I do?” This is the cue to explain how I am feeling. “I don’t know,” is not an acceptable answer. Chances are very good that she will understand and correct things immediately.

What happens if your keyholder/wife-in-charge has things happening outside your relationship that are draining her energy and are making it very difficult for her to pay attention to you? This is when  you put on your big boy pants and recognize that you are an an adult who is fully capable of independent thought and action. This is when you follow your rules religiously without requiring your top to do anything. This is also when you take care of her. Do everything you can to make her more comfortable and better able to focus on that external issue. Let her know that you are just fine and very happy to do this for her.

It’s too easy to descend into a childlike state with your top. If you feel this happening, it will only be a matter of time until the extra pressure you put on your top will exhaust her. Being a disciplined husband doesn’t mean I surrender my ability to make decisions and to solve problems. I surrendered power to my lioness. I still fully own making sure I do everything I can to support her, whether or not we are acting in a power-appropriate manner.