Is This Submissive?

A few days ago I wrote a post about rules and their use in enforced chastity or FLR. One of our readers, Naga di Kandang offered a comment with a very interesting quote:

It’s not submission if I’d be doing it anyway.

Interesting point. Does this mean that if I would wear a chastity device on my own, wearing one and giving the key to my wife isn’t submission? Is something submissive only if I am forced to do it? If I like what I am told to do, am I not being submissive?

Granted, something feels more submissive if I wouldn’t do it on my own. But I think is way too narrow a definition to assume that only things I wouldn’t do on my own are submissive. For example, I want to wear a chastity device but I want an orgasm more frequently than Mrs. Lion allows me. So, in a different sense, my submission is demonstrated by my having to wait to orgasm past the point I would get off on my own.

Rules, of course, are great ways to provide submission opportunities. Even if I would be naked around the house at times, my rule requires it all the time unless we have company who wouldn’t understand. So, while it is something I might do on my own, it isn’t something I would do all the time.

These examples demonstrate my take on submission. I would define it as allowing someone else to control parts of my life. If Mrs. Lion kept me locked only as long as I thought I want to wait, then that isn’t submission at all. But if I get to come when she decides, then I am being submissive. If she has the right to make any decision she chooses, even if she doesn’t counter a decision I made on my own, I am still submissive to her.

I think submission has four key components: control, obedience, discipline, and rewards. All four have to be present in a D/S relationship. Intensity or frequency of activity are not important, at least in terms of the definition. But if I am submissive to Mrs. Lion, she has the ability to control, order, discipline, and reward me. Failure to obey is punished.

This can be very subtle. In many enforced chastity relationships, the D/S dynamic is very subtle, but by definition it has to be there. If a keyholder or dominant wife is aware of the four components, she can enhance her male’s feeling of submission by providing all four regularly. It’s not rocket science, but conscious awareness is important for success.


  1. Author

    I don’t think any two people define submission the same way. And there are people who are, for lack of a better term, “naturally” submissive in relationships, in that their default mechanism is to defer to their partner – sexually, and in other ways as well. Dominance is equally “natural” for some people. My marriage is like that.

    I don’t demand that my husband perform certain tasks. Yet the lack of demand from me does not negate the submission in him or the significance of his performing those tasks. It’s a matter of WHY he does the things he does, and how those actions are interpreted between us.

    1. Author

      I agree completely. Submission is like art; if the creator says it’s art, it is. I’m not naturally submissive, so we need to pursue D/S more consciously.

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