One of my pet peeves as a top was hearing a prospective bottom answer the question:
“What will I get out of topping you?”
“The gift of my submission, of course.”
Wow, what a reward! I get to work my ass off doing the terrible things to you that you want. I am so lucky we met! Sites like fetlife.com foster this sort of delusion. I think that more subtle forms of this kind of thinking permeate enforced chastity and other male-submissive activities.
OK, to be fair, guys who want enforced chastity don’t pretend that the big payoff for their keyholders is the chance to lock up a penis. That is simply too silly. But what about, “You will get all the orgasms you want. I will do things that you tell me to”? Sound familiar? First, without enforced chastity, won’t you give her all the orgasms she wants? I think you will. Without chastity, won’t you help out at home?
This is a very male way of thinking. If a woman offered you all the sex you want if you lock up her pussy, you would take the offer seriously. We males tend to lose our sense of reason when our cocks are involved. Women don’t share that genital focus. The simple fact is that topping or keyholding is work. Chances are extremely good that if you have a keyholder, she is caging you because she knows it will make you happy. That’s why Mrs. Lion does all that work for me.
There is a more subtle way that some guys unconsciously take advantage of their keyholders. The fantasy is that the keyholder takes over control. In a female led relationship, this includes controlling the money as well as making family decisions. In some cases, the woman agrees to take this on. That frees the male to have no real worries. All he has to do is obey or get punished. Sure, he goes to work, but his keyholder deals with bills and other decisions. This can’t be fun for her. But wait, he’s a happy camper.
My point is that the standard female led relationship is pretty one sided. It is always a gift to the submissive partner. I am extremely grateful to Mrs. Lion for the effort she is making to give me enforced chastity and domestic discipline. We are starting a female led relationship with a difference. I am not asking her to take on all of the management tasks in our relationship. I still pay the bills and we jointly make decisions. It doesn’t mean she isn’t the boss. She is.
As I see it, she has the authority over me and our relationship. But she doesn’t have all of the responsibility. We share that. We are slowly figuring out what that means. As I currently see it, I keep doing what I have always done in terms of finance and other household decisions I have made. I don’t spend money outside of agreed or necessary expenses without permission. I do what she asks me to do. She punishes me when she feels I need it.
My thinking is that Mrs. Lion isn’t being asked to take on more work other than lion management. This feels fair to me. I don’t want any fantasy to drive Mrs. Lion into more responsibility. I think it is only right that we share that. Too many guys want to be Peter Pans. They want to be eternal children with keyholder mommies making decisions for them. I’m not being cruel. Think about it.
In a very real sense, all of us who want sexual or behavioral control are regressing. We are relinquishing adult rights to another. We get spanked, lose privileges, get rewards, etc. from our keyholder/top. We are children in this respect. Our top becomes a parent. She can say “no” and punish us. That is not an adult construct. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m certainly the child/cub in our arrangement. But very often this reality is masked. It’s not very easy to admit that this is our dynamic. But it is.
That doesn’t mean I will be calling Mrs. Lion “mommy”. No, no! But the power exchange does put her in the parent role. She is my firm, loving authority figure. My pleasure depends on her. Just as a traditional relationship is paternal, enforced chastity and female led relationships are maternal. Does this turn you off? It shouldn’t.
As a keyholder, if you consciously recognize that you are in a maternal role, then you can easily find role models to help you satisfy your man’s need for control. A mother is a loving authority figure. It’s a comfortable role; at least more comfortable than being a cruel interrogator or slave owner. It is a role that correctly models the kind of control your guy wants. It isn’t really a mother role since you do have sex with him. But the loving authority model certainly fits.
It helps me to step out of my role on a regular basis. I think about how what we are doing affects our lives. I also consider the extra load I am putting on my dear lioness. The key for us both is to realize that these are roles. I am an adult and Mrs. Lion is my wife and partner. We both are always aware of this; even when Mrs. Lion is making my bottom cherry red.