My hottest fantasies always included me being restrained and disciplined. Over the years I have learned that these fantasies are about my deep interest in power exchange and control. Over thirty years ago, my first experiences with this were as a bottom. I really liked it, but being the bottom emotionally destabilized me. I became very needy and turned into an adult brat. This behavior wasn’t my attempt to get punished, it was a deep emotional response to being dependent. I just couldn’t handle it. As a result, I decided I would be much better off as a top. So, until recently I was primarily a top, or in Internet terms, a “dom”. I still bottomed now and then at a party, but that activity was time-bounded and limited only to that play session.
The deep need to give up control never went away. My decades as a top taught me that most bottoms craved more action, more domination, more toys, more pain. Very few ever reached a point where they had enough topping. The way they expressed this need varied. In my case, I became a brat. Others would withdraw and even go into deep depression. Here was a large group of people who, when given what they want, would sink further and further into depression.
For a while I thought that this response is due to some deep problem with being a bottom. While the people actively tried to get deeper and deeper into their roles, they were really doing it to punish themselves and got depressed because they got closer to that internal issue. I no longer believe that.
Since Mrs. Lion and I started our chastity adventure, I have surrendered more and more control to her. She hasn’t necessarily wanted the control, but has been very good about accepting it. I, in turn, have learned that I can’t just let myself slide into the self-destructive pattern that many bottoms follow. I don’t want to be completely dependent on Mrs. Lion. I remain a strong, confident person who has given certain power to my mate.
The role of “bottom” isn’t a natural one for me. I suspect this is true of many bottoms. Similarly, the role of top is not natural for many women; at least in the context of controlling a grown man. It is natural, however, in the context of being a mother. Similarly, my only prior experience with being in a role where I was dependent on another was as a child. So it isn’t surprising that a lot of keyholders refer to themselves in a maternal role with their caged males. Similarly, in matters where the keyholder has absolute control, it isn’t surprising that we caged males treat our keyholders as a sort of mommy.
When I first considered this, it felt disturbing. Am I thinking that my wife has somehow become my mother? Talk about getting into therapy! No, that’s not the case at all. There is a world of difference between “maternal” and “mommy”. Maternal implies a loving-but-strict woman who has her male’s best interests at heart. It implies absolute authority. That, of course, is the big difference between a wife and a keyholder, at least in terms of sex.
In our marriage, we are partners in virtually everything. We share decision making and live as best friends and lovers. When we introduced forced male chastity, this balance was disturbed. If you have been following our adventure, you’ve read how we still work to resolve this new power balance.
I’ve spent a lot of time considering whether my role as caged male will make me regress into the brat I became when I bottomed all those years ago. At this point I am comfortable that there is no real danger I will do that again. Instead, I am learning to enjoy my new role and I am feeling more sexually and emotionally satisfied. One reason for this is that I understand the limits of my dependence. Another is that my cage is a constant reminder of those limits and of the control I have surrendered.