What a difference 24 hours makes. I can’t promise I’m back to normal. There are still some questionable moments. But I’m feeling a lot better. Yesterday was rough. Not only was I on the verge of tears a lot during the day, but I was also feeling physically unwell. My boss was near the timeclock when I tried to punch in. It rejected my fingerprint and I yelled at it. Actually I swore at it. I wanted to throw it across the room but that seemed excessive. Then the thermometer, which never likes me, refused to give me a temperature so I wrote what it said on its screen, “LOW”, which I assume means its battery was low but I was in no mood to deal with it.
At lunch, people gave me some grief for punching back in too early. I’d come into the breakroom after them and I was going back to work before them. I didn’t care. I was done eating. Sitting with people didn’t seem any more appealing than going back to my desk so I went back to my desk. By 3, I was shot. Everything hurt. Everything was annoying. I wanted out. I was working on a report and everyone in my office area was scheduled to leave at 4. I leave at 5 but I reasoned I could make it till 4.
As my boss left, she asked if I was leaving. I had a few more items on the report and I wanted to finish it. I said I was surprised I made it that far in the day. She laughed and said she was surprised I made it beyond my argument with the timeclock. And then, for whatever reason, I started feeling better on the drive home. I know. I know. Many people feel this way on the drive home. But this was different. The physical pains were lessening. I wasn’t on the verge of tears. The sun was shining, both literally and figuratively.
Lion wondered why I was home early. He wondered how I felt. I’m sure it was as unbelievable to him as it was to me that things were better. How does that happen? Did he have a sense of impending doom when he knew that I was home? Was he afraid to open his mouth for fear of annoying me? I can’t say I blame him if that was the case. There were times over the previous few days that I was afraid to talk to anyone about anything for fear I would fall apart. Lion being worried I was silent because I was mad was only part of the story. It’s difficult to talk when you’re afraid you’ll burst into tears and even more difficult to explain why you’re crying, especially if you’re not sure why yourself.
My weenie was still out of commission last night. The spot is still sore. Humph. I would have played with him if he’d been able. If he’s up for it tonight we can certainly play. At the very least, we should snuggle. I think we can both use the closeness.
I still owe Lion a spanking. I don’t really want to punish him for something that wasn’t his fault. I’m also not sure how it will affect me. If I’m punishing him because I was in a bad mood, will I hate myself for doing it? I’m a little afraid I’ll wind up feeling like I did for the past few days. Maybe it’s silly to think that, but it was a horrible few days and it’s still fresh.