Like most guys who get into enforced chastity and domestic discipline, I like to think of these activities as sexy games. As long as the waits aren’t too long and the punishments not too severe, the reality of what we are actually doing doesn’t get to the front of my mind. Lately this has changed.
My current wait is considerably longer than I want. Thanks to skilled, daily edging I am desperate for release. I expected to lose interest and coast through long waits. This just isn’t happening. I like that this is an expression of Mrs. Lion’s control, but I want to come. Boy do I want to come.
The ideas of rules and punishments have always been exciting to me. The idea of being spanked is a turn on. Now, however, the rules are being strictly enforced and the spankings are something I dread. Mrs. Lion has some alternative punishments in mind. I am very sure I will strongly dislike them too. I know what you are thinking. They’re supposed to be. I get it. But dealing with the reality is still difficult for me.
Mrs. Lion’s inclination is to pull back if she thinks I am upset. She worries that I will stop wanting her or will reject her if she upsets me too much. She certainly can make me angry and pouty. I am not getting my way. I started something I can’t control or stop. And, it’s exactly what I wanted. Depending on the time of day, I might say I don’t want it any more. But that isn’t the truth. I think what I started is what we both need. I just have to learn to live with the reality I created.
It’s like writing a story and waking up one morning to find you are now living in the plot. The actual experience of receiving a strong spanking, for example, is nothing like reading about one. It’s certainly nothing like my fantasies. Watching the days tick by waiting for a chance to ejaculate is also a very hot fantasy. The reality is frustrating, sometimes very exciting, but always just hopefully waiting for my number to come up. It’s not a mental game where I abstain from getting myself off as part of “orgasm control”. I can’t get myself off. I can’t even get hard. The only thing I can do with Mrs. Lion’s penis is to use it to pee. Nothing else is possible.
I expect that over time I will grow accustomed to the frustration. I will learn to more gracefully accept punishment. I realize that it doesn’t matter if I learn or not. I will have to wait and I will be punished if I break a rule. That is completely out of my control. No one asks me if I like it or not. I don’t get a vote.
The fact that my opinion doesn’t count at all is probably the most significant change my situation has created. Mrs. Lion’s success as my keyholder and disciplining wife depends on her learning to ignore my feelings on these matters. She may ask for my opinion on something we do, but I have absolutely no say over what finally happens. I can’t reject a punishment. I can’t demand and receive an orgasm. This is a novel change in my life. I am used to being in control. I asked to surrender to Mrs. Lion. Now as she grows in strength, I have to handle the changes this forces in me. The key words are “have to”. I’ve lost my ability to choose.
There’s a kind of mathematics to power exchange. As Mrs. Lion’s power grows, mine has to diminish. There’s no way I can retain my traditional role while Mrs. Lion asserts her growing power. On the whole this is exactly what I wanted from the beginning. But there are jarring moments when I am punished or arbitrarily frustrated by withheld orgasms that move the needle more in Mrs. Lion’s direction and make me aware that my loss of control is real. I suppose I’ve gotten my way most of my life. I have a lot to learn.