Which Answer?

Before Lion left on his trip, we were discussing a post or someone else’s post, and I said I still have trouble determining which answer he wants when he asks if I like doing something. Is he in “lie to me” mode and I should play up the fantasy answer? Or is he in “reality” mode and I should answer truthfully. I think he said I’d have to make that determination for myself. Gee, thanks.

I know there have been times when we’ve just finished playing and he’ll ask me if I liked spanking him. Not punishment, but play. And I’m reading the moment to be a “lie to me” moment so I say I do. Then he says, “Really?!” Uh oh. Was that really a “lie to me” moment? Was he looking for a real answer or the further-the-fantasy answer? And his face rarely gives any clues.

This morning we were having an email conversation and he said something about having me control him being quite a change. For him. And I said it was a change for me too. Then he asked if I like the change. Uh oh. Does he want the real answer or the fantasy answer? So I said, “Sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t. It depends on my mood.” I thought that was sufficiently noncommittal without being my standard, “I don’t know.” Apparently it was too noncommittal.

What I meant was, if I’m in a blah mood or not feeling well, I don’t think about it much. If I’m doing okay then the change is good. But I always like the closeness we have. I know he wants me to enjoy being in charge. I’m not sure I ever will, but ultimately it depends on the kind of day I’m having. If people have annoyed me all day and I just want to vegetate, then being in charge isn’t very appealing. I’ll still do it, of course, but don’t ask me how I feel about it right then because I may not be able to muster the fantasy answer.

Do I ever think, “This is the life! I can order him to make me dinner. I can have him clean the bathroom.”? Nope. I may ask him to make dinner. I may say that I’ve figured out dinner for the past three nights and tonight is his turn to figure it out. I don’t say either of those as an order. If he says he’s very tired and can’t make dinner, I’ll do it. If he says he has meetings till 6 and won’t get home in time to figure out dinner, I’ll do it. It makes no sense to make him do something when he’s tired or will be late.

For a few weeks, I mentioned (maybe two or three times) that it would be nice to have chicken parmesan for dinner. (I’ve also suggested homemade pizza.) I wasn’t nagging. I really thought it would be nice and Lion agreed. They both take a lot of time and work and, since neither of us were feeling well for a while, I knew it was a big ask. One day, when Lion was working from home, he decided to make chicken parm. Yum! I didn’t order him to. He just found the time to do it. And I appreciate that.