These dark days of winter put me in a reflective mood. When I wake in the dark, cold predawn hours, my mind drifts back to earlier days. I’ve been “out” as a kinky man for over thirty years. As far back as I can remember, I’ve always found power exchange arousing. Of course, as a small boy I had no idea what this was all about. However, even at the tender age of nine, years before I discovered masturbation, I would get hard thinking about being tied up or spanked. I suppose you might see this as an indication of my true nature. Maybe it was.
My pre-dawn thoughts fast forwarded to just after I divorced my ex. It was the late eighties and I was young and very horny. I soon met a woman and we began living together a very short time after we met. I never married her. For the first time I talked about my interest in sexual power exchange.
She was incredibly bright with an IQ north of 180. It didn’t take her long to find some books and gain a very good understanding of the necessary techniques. I read up as well. We weren’t sure who should top or bottom. So we tried both. It turned out that we were naturals as tops. But it didn’t take long before I ended up as the permanent bottom. After I topped her, for the next day or two she was in a foul mood. We finally decided it was because bottoming just didn’t suit her. I, on the other hand, loved it.
While we were together, that’s how it went. She applied her vast intellect to inventing ways to torture me. It was all very intense. I’ll never forget one evening when she had me tied spread-eagle, face-down on the bed. She had been using a riding crop on my bottom. She stopped. A few seconds later, I could feel her massaging my balls. I got hard at once. She commented that I liked it. I agreed. Then she stopped. A couple of minutes later my balls were on fire. That was my first experience with Ben Gay. I hated it. She liked that. It wasn’t my last ball massage from her.
You’d think that based on all this that I am 100 percent bottom. After we parted, I got involved with the local S/M community. After attending a few meetings, it became obvious that the guys who identified as bottoms were a sad group. I didn’t want to be like that!
So, I rebranded myself as a top. Wow! Women chased me. I had no idea that so many females wanted to be tied up and whipped. My sex life was spectacular. From time to time I would bottom to a female top, frequently, she would also bottm to me. In Internet terms we were switches. However, back in the old days, very few people self-identified as tops or bottoms. Almost everyone switched.
I became pretty well known and taught workshops in various domly arts. In the early 90’s I acquired a female slave. That’s another story for another time. I suppose being a 24/7 Master is the pinnacle of topping. My slave knew I liked to bottom sometimes and never held that against me. That relationship ended after a decade.
Right about then I met Mrs. Lion. I had been thinking about my twenty years as a top and my year as a bottom. I realized I had much more fun being the bottom. After we knew each other a little while, I asked the future Mrs. Lion to spank me. She did. It took a while before I could feel it, but she is a great student and learned to give me a good sting. Now, her spankings are legendary.
She wasn’t really into it. So, after a while the play stopped. Meanwhile, we got married. Even without the play I was very happy. It’s a total joy to be with her. She is truly my soulmate. Three years ago, we started enforced chastity. We also started playing again. You know the rest if you have been reading the blog.
As my mind fast-forwarded to the present, I realized that something amazing happened to me. I transformed from a top with occasional bottoming, to a lifestyle bottom. What’s more, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.
Just as my alarm went off, I was thinking about my self image as a full time bottom/submissive. I’m still uncomfortable with that label. I can’t decide if my discomfort is my ego or recognition that the switch isn’t dead.