Post 1000: Q & A

This is our one thousandth post. To celebrate this milestone, we asked another FLM / enforced chastity couple to join us in answering some questions that frequently come up when talking about enforced chastity. Our co-posters are Steeled Snake Charmer and her husband Steeled Snake. They write the very excellent Steeled Snake blog. They’ve been practicing enforced chastity about the same length of time as us. They’ve chosen to answer the questions as a couple. Mrs. Lion and I answer individually.

You’ve been practicing enforced chastity for some time. What’s in it for you that keeps you interested?

Steeled Snake and his Charmer:
For us, it’s been the realization that it drives communication, it opens up the realization that you’re both interested in different things and willing to try new things.  This all comes from the communication thing – before life just happened and time together was based on assumptions for a large part.  Now we have learned to talk about ideas, talk about everything from the sexually vanilla standards to the kinkiest of the kinky and talk about what sounds fun, what doesn’t and how it might apply.

This constant search to explore new things, to mix things up, to find out what we like and don’t like is huge.  We had no idea we would like what we’ve discovered so far.  Who knows what else is out there that we’ll enjoy?  Never know until you’re in it together, experimenting, learning and thinking about things.

Since we began enforced chastity, sex has become more of a priority for us. For many years I just couldn’t manage to initiate sexual activity. Mrs. Lion had lost her interest in sex. Mine remained, but I was unable to do what was necessary to bring sex into the foreground. That was my motivation. But since then, enforced chastity has opened up a new and very exciting aspect of our marriage. It goes far beyond Mrs. Lion controlling my orgasms and erections. We are enjoying a physical closeness that we haven’t experienced in many  years. We communicate on a much deeper level. Enforced chastity has become something we can both enjoy and, at times, laugh about. The fact that there is a physical device controlled by my lioness makes it impossible for us to fall back into our old asexual routines.  I am much happier now. Because we communicate much more, things never get boring. Daily teasing combined with varied release dates keep my attention. Even after more than a year and a half, I am as interested as I was the first week; perhaps more. I don’t ever expect to become unlocked again. I am sure we will both remain interested for the rest of our lives.

Mrs. Lion:
Communication. Whether it’s the chastity itself or the blog, we talk more about everything. How horny is he? What is going well? What could be better? Can we try this? I read this somewhere and I think we should try it. It has definitely brought us closer together.

You Have a Female Led Marriage (FLM). Specifically what lets you know it is working?

We are just starting out in FLM. Prior to agreeing to try this, I felt that I had to decide everything. I made almost every decision, big and small. Mrs. Lion not only didn’t make decisions, she never let me know if she wanted something. As part of our general D/S play, we had some playful rules, that if broken, would get me a light spanking. The rules were things like, no dropping food or ice cubes. They were excuses to spank me, something I love when we play. When we started FLM, the rules became more meaningful. I must remind Mrs. Lion of our scheduled punishment days (Monday and Thursday), I may not interrupt, I must not eat first without permission, and I must ask for things I formerly just took or did. If I break a rule, Mrs. Lion tells me and I must remember it. On punishment days I have to recite the list and she punishes me. Currently, the punishment of choice is spanking. These aren’t the playful paddling I got in the past. She uses a serious paddle and goes at it full force. There is nothing fun about them. She had trouble being that strict, so we established maintenance spanking nights (Tuesday and Friday) when she could “practice” her punishment paddling and I could learn to hold still and accept her swats.

In the beginning, Mrs. Lion almost never noticed infractions and didn’t make decisions. Over the last month or so she does notice infractions and punishes me for them. She doesn’t note all of them yet, but there is a start. She is also making more day-to-day decisions. She hasn’t told me what she wants yet, but that will come too. Like enforced chastity, FLM is something we are both growing into. I am convinced that we are on our way and won’t be turning back.

Mrs. Lion:
Lion asks for permission to do things. Prior to FLM he would just charge forward. Now we discuss things. I used to feel like I was being run over. Sure, we’d discuss things, but more often than not we’d do what Lion wanted, the way Lion wanted and when Lion wanted it. He’s softened now. Since I’m new to being in charge, and not necessarily comfortable with it, it seems strange when I see him start to make a decision, stop in mid-sentence, and ask me what I want to do. That’s a big change for him. He’s used to being in charge.

Steeled Snake:
Things run more smoothly.

I know that’s a weird thing to say, but we have a much better understanding now of who is responsible for what. We still feel really new to the FLM thing (we’re only about 1.5 yrs in) and are still learning how to react and respond, how to “be.” One of the things we have recently been working on is FLM outside the home. How do we not have a switch on/off without also imposing our approach on others or making them uncomfortable. Since we are a “lifestyle” couple with things in effect all the time, it’s made things increasingly easier to maintain when we aren’t constantly turning it on and off. Learning how to do that, still giving her the control and authority while out and about is something we’re actively working on now.

There are other cues too – things like less stress about playtime, less stress about time allocations at home, etc. All of these are her responsibility now and I don’t have to worry about not knowing or participating – because of communication. But I also know that she’s got it covered. It takes the “will we, won’t we” anxiety out of many, many things if she’s in charge of the bigger picture. She’s got it covered.

How do you change the length of time he goes without an orgasm?

Mrs. Lion:
I sit down with a calendar and randomly pick dates. Neither of us likes marathon wait times. Lion has said he likes to go four days between orgasms. Obviously he won’t get his wish every time, but I keep that in mind. So far his waits vary from three to twenty-one days. The longer he waits, the hornier he gets, as long as I tease him every night. Sometimes it’s fun to make him suffer. Other times I just want to make him come.

Steeled Snake Charmer:
It’s a mindset, really.  It’s not a never-ending thing for us, we’re not really wanting to get to “never” getting an orgasm.  For us, I’m constantly seeking the right rhythm and randomness for him.  He has a calm about him when he “gets into the groove.”  It’s not like he’s manic when he gets to have an orgasm, just that managing the frequency helps keep the lows after better managed and the highs stick around longer between.  It’s good for us both.

What turns you on most about Enforced Chastity?

Feeling Mrs. Lion’s control turns me on the most. Because Mrs. Lion’s libido isn’t very active, I haven’t  been asked to learn to control orgasms without permission during sex. Since all sexual stimulation I receive comes from Mrs. Lion, she has absolute orgasm control over me. I have learned not to become aroused, cage or no cage, unless she is providing the stimulation. That dependency on her for any arousal is extremely hot for me. When she says, “No.” particularly in a sexual context it is a big turn on too.

Steeled Snake and his Charmer:
It’s a control thing, really.  We enjoy the power exchange.  For us, it’s more about orgasm control too, vs. enforced chastity.  Snake has learned to control his orgasms now and simply doesn’t have an orgasm if not told he can.  This means we can enjoy our playtimes and he can fully participate without an orgasm if I don’t want him to.  This ability to control it and still have playtime has transformed our time together in amazing ways for us both.

Mrs. Lion:
Well, since my libido is in the crapper, I don’t get turned on as such. But I like the closeness. I like knowing that I turn him on and that only I turn him on. That was always true, but it’s more pronounced now.

What do you know now that is different from what you expected when you started? 

Steeled Snake and his Charmer:
I think the biggest surprise is that we didn’t realize it would be as actively evolving as it has turned out to be.  In other words, as we tweak one thing, it changes others.  As we do more or less in one area, other things are impacted.  Orgasm control, power exchange, sensation play, sub-space, Domme-space, etc.  It all plays together and makes a really interesting mix that takes really active tuning and updates.  We’re constantly learning – sometimes it’s a small thing, sometimes not so small.
Mrs. Lion:
I didn’t expect this to last as long as it has. I figured it would be like any one of the other things we’ve tried and it would just fizzle out over time. Boy, was I wrong! I never thought it would bring us closer together. I never thought it would make us better communicators. I never thought we’d be doing it a year and a half later.

I had no idea how something that felt like a very hot sexual game would actually become a significant part of our lives. I imagined enforced chastity would be extended foreplay that would result in very hot orgasms for me. While it is like that, it influences all aspects of our relationship. I was most surprised how edging me would feel like an act of love. Our power exchange is far wider and deeper now. Enforced chastity influences how we play and how much. Enforced chastity also takes our play out of the bedroom. We often have cryptic little exchanges in public that refer to my frustration level (Lion weather report) and how “bad” it is that it isn’t time. I never realized how pervasive enforced chastity would be in our lives. I am very happy Mrs. Lion agreed to try it.

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