…is what Mrs. Lion calls it when I behave like one. On those occasions I am a petulant, angry, inconsolable cub. It appears that these outbursts are the result of building seismic pressure deep inside of me. I can be hurtful and very childish. Fortunately, these outbursts are rare. But what in the world is going on? I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. This behavior dates back to my childhood. It could be called “bratty” but it was never because I didn’t get my own way. In fact, I can’t think of a time when it had anything to do with a specific want or need. This unpredictable outburst was aimed at my parents when I was a child. Again, it was very infrequent, but it has been memorable because I could never understand why I acted that way. Once I left home and went to boarding school, this behavior disappeared. It reemerged many years later when I discovered power exchange.
In my typical fashion, during the early 1980’s I was devouring information about D/S. I had vivid spanking and bondage fantasies. I was divorced in the early 80’s. Soon after my divorce I met a woman with whom I shared my interest. She, like me, was a voracious reader. She was also incredibly smart (tested IQ over 180). We decided to experiment. We took turns as top. The day after she bottomed, she was grumpy and generally unhappy. After I bottomed, the opposite was true. She was happy and so was I. So, I ended up bottoming all the time.
After a few months of bottoming, the toddler returned. I had these irrational bouts of upset. Again, they were undirected, just massive unhappiness and irrationality. They only lasted an hour or two, but the bothered both of us quite a bit. They became more frequent, occurring every couple of weeks for a while and then receding to every month or two. Still, I was very bothered by them. For reasons that had nothing to do with this, we ended the relationship after about six months. I lived alone and dated. The toddler didn’t return.
It wasn’t a giant intellectual leap for me to realize that this behavior was somehow linked to my bottoming. Some component of relinquishing control triggered this behavior. By this time I was very happy with D/S and didn’t want to stop. So, I did the logical thing and switched roles and became a top. For three decades I was a top. I have a very good reputation as one and enjoyed being well known and able to get partners at will. On rare occasion I would bottom during a play party. It wasn’t a power exchange as much as a chance to enjoy the sensations of being a bottom.
In January 2014 I asked Mrs. Lion to become my keyholder. Since then our relationship has evolved into an effective power exchange. I had forgotten about those ancient outbursts. But then, I had one again (The Toddler, 11/14). I was horrid. Mrs. Lion identified this behavior as the way a toddler would act. This wasn’t my first outburst. However, they were much milder than 30 years ago. Most recently, I had another episode last week. This time the context had changed.
I still upset Mrs. Lion and made her feel badly. But after she thought about it, she realized she could treat me like a toddler and discipline me. That was a breakthrough for me. Why does a toddler act out? It usually occurs when the child wants something and can’t have it. The item that he wants is usually insignificant, but his behavior blows it way out of proportion. I think the reason is that this behavior is a cry for help. He wants to feel the boundaries that his parents’ love provides. That spanking or other punishment is a signal that they care enough to correct him. The light bulb went on. I wasn’t erupting because of built-up lapses by Mrs. Lion. I was upset because I had lost my way. I couldn’t feel my boundaries. That may seem silly. It could be. After all, it’s totally irrational. I think I understand why it happens.
As a bottom, I am surrendering control. In the context of enforced chastity and now domestic discipline, I have given up a great deal of control over significant parts of my life. This is frightening. What if Mrs. Lion doesn’t realize how important this is to me? What if I just become part of her routine? What have I done? All of this is internal and not brought on by anything she has or hasn’t done. It just seems to happen,
Should I give up enforced chastity and domestic discipline? Am I incapable of surrender without severe emotional consequences? I never want to hurt Mrs. Lion. She is affected when I behave this way. We have already tried eliminating D/S from our lives. The result was a sexual desert and a pretty unhappy lion. So, we have a strong incentive to continue. That leaves us with working out how to cope or avoid this entirely.
Since Mrs. Lion has correctly identified the behavior, she may have also identified how to manage and prevent future occurrences. If I’m right that this behavior is my unconscious way of calling out for correction as a way to reassure me that Mrs. Lion is in control, then she can help me end and ultimately avoid future incidents. I think this is a case that cries out for immediate and strong punishment. It also requires follow-up discipline as well. There are two stages to this toddler behavior: The first is acting out and has to be stopped as soon as it is recognized. The second is follow-up discipline. The reason the second is important is that after I have had a chance to recover, my subconscious toddler must learn that there are consequences for emerging. The instant punishment during the outburst won’t do that. It will stop the misbehavior but won’t prevent or delay future occurrences. I may be wrong about this. After all, it is based on one incident and the somewhat accidental follow-up punishment. But it feels right to me.
I must seem like a complete lunatic to you. Maybe I am. I think that changes in real power balance can have a combination of good and bad effects. The good is clear to both of us; so is the bad. If we’ve learned nothing else, enforced chastity and other lifestyle power exchanges have deep-sometimes-unpredictable effects on both people. I suspect that the ultimate success of these exchanges depends on realizing the effects and handling them effectively.