The biggest flaw I have, and there are many, is that I’m inconsistent. Sure I talk a good game. I’ll do this. I’ll do that. I have to do this. I have to do that. Sometimes I actually do what I say I’m going to do and other times not so much. Last night was a not so much time. After all my talk about having Lion use a dildo on me I just wasn’t in the mood. I wasn’t really in the mood to do anything at all. But then I decided to edge him. Afterwards he said he was surprised I edged him. When I asked why he said because he had read my post and expected a different scenario.
Lion gives me way too much credit for making big changes. When we were in the grocery store it just so happened that I realized that he dropped the corn and, oh by the way, here’s my remote control zapper. I’m not consciously waiting for him to commit an infraction so I can correct him. It was just a happy accident. It was just as likely that I would see him drop the corn, shake my head at him, forget I even had the remote control, and walk away.
Actually neither one of us has a great memory. We can remember most important things. We can remember some really unimportant things. We are fairly good at the irrelevant things on Jeopardy. But Lion forgets that he has used a dildo on me in the past. Not for long and I don’t remember why we started or stopped. He never knew, much like I never knew that he masturbated a few times a week, that I have used a dildo by myself before I gave up on sex. Lionesses have needs too and if he couldn’t initiate I was going to take matters into my own hands. It did the trick but I discovered that the only thing worse than not having Lion initiate was not having Lion involved at all. So my eureka moment of having him use a dildo on me was not a new idea at all.
In a sense, I feel a certain amount of pressure to live up to what Lion wants. It may sound ridiculous to categorize his need for me to be pleasured as pressure, but consider this. For so long, I’ve done what he wants, according to his needs. Partially because I didn’t really care about sex and partially because tops do for bottoms. I don’t know if my libido will ever be strong enough to do everything he wants me to do. So I’m talking a good game. The mechanics of having an orgasm have never gone away. The desire was what went away. While I’ll certainly get enjoyment out of Lion’s efforts, it’s still work for me. I need to make sure that a good portion of my talk matches up with my actions.
I know Lion’s appreciative of everything I’m doing. I appreciate his patience. I just hope it doesn’t run out any time soon.