Am I Dreaming?

Sunday evening while watching football I fell asleep. That in itself isn’t surprising or unusual, but my perception of that time is unique, at least for me. I was unaware I slept. I thought I glanced away from the TV and when I looked back the score had changed and the wrong team was on offense. I was confused. I asked Mrs. Lion what had happened. She explained a field goal was kicked and other things that occurred. I said that I didn’t remember any of that. She said I was sleeping. The only time I had a similar experience was when I had surgery under general anesthesia. One moment I felt sleepy and then in the same moment I opened my eyes. In reality, three hours had passed, but for me they never existed.

I realize this isn’t terribly odd, but the experience on Sunday made me think about the gaps between objective reality and my perceptions. We could debate about the existence of objective reality, but that isn’t the point now. Such things as profound as my very existence in the world are only real to me if I perceive them. My version of reality may not correspond to yours or anyone else’s. I am not happy about a chunk of my life disappearing without a trace like it did Sunday night. I wonder what else I’ve missed.

This is relevant in the context of the power exchanges Mrs. Lion and I have. We both view our interactions through the filters of our individual reality. These filters are possibly the difference between satisfaction and failure. As my keyholder and disciplining wife, Mrs. Lion tries to see how our power exchange looks through my eyes. As she often says, she doesn’t understand why I would want the control, discipline, and pain. She doesn’t want any of that for herself.

My needs must seem alien to her. She’s someone who never imagined her in this role. She’s told me that she has had fantasies about being in control, but only over isolated situations. She says she never wanted power or authority over others. But she is working hard to exercise control over me. It’s not easy for her. I can see it every day. I see that I can derail things easily since she still would rather please me than control me.

She’s not alone. I would imagine that the vast majority of keyholders and disciplining wives begin in their roles because they want to please their partners. Over time, some grow into the role and become what they were asked to be. Some just give up. It’s not a quick process. I’ve learned that. Every day we are challenged to keep going. It’s so easy for me to ask her to ease up and even easier for her to agree. That’s the hardest part for me. When things get too frustrating or painful, I think how easy it would be for me to just tell Mrs. Lion I don’t want that anymore. I don’t do it because I’m afraid she will agree. After all, she does it to make me happy; doesn’t she?

There’s the perception gap. Maybe my view of this reality isn’t accurate. Maybe I’m believing I have a great deal more control than I actually possess. A child tests his perception of reality by intentionally acting out. He discovers where his boundaries lie, generally by being punished when he pushes too hard. My perception is that if I test the boundaries, I will discover they aren’t there and I will lose something I badly want. So how do I find out if I am really awake or if this is all a dream?

If I try to test in a meaningful way – I already know I will be spanked for the trivial rules – will I find that Mrs. Lion gives in? I’ve been unhappy about how much the clothespins hurt. I haven’t asked her to stop, but Mrs. Lion is considering reducing her use of them or stopping entirely. That’s not a defect of hers. She loves me and wants me to be happy. She doesn’t want me to hurt unless I want to. So what is a lioness to do? What should I do?

The foundation of our enforced chastity and FLM won’t be shaken if she stops hurting me with the clothespins. It won’t fall down if she stops spanking me, or if she unlocks me for a while. But my perception might suffer. If the boundaries are of my own making and maintained by my will power, is there really a power exchange? Maybe I am a toddler after all. I need the reassurance of Mrs. Lion’s firm resolve to assure me that all this isn’t just my fantasy being acted out. I’m not sure what I need. I don’t know what to ask for. Is mulish persistence to painful play the answer? Do I need to really want her to stop and be told she won’t? Is there a less violent way to learn? I don’t know. Mrs. Lion is right. I am a toddler after all.