Avoiding Black Holes
Massive black holes are at the center of every galaxy. They pull everything into them and disintegrate matter. Caged males, or bottoms of all kinds can also become black holes seeming to need an infinite amount of attention. It’s true that almost all males in a submissive/bottom roles like to feel the power of their tops. It’s also true that many, especially including me, like to try new things. Ask any dealer in BDSM toys; most toys are purchased by bottoms.
The obvious problem with this is that the top becomes exhausted by the constant need for more and different action. It’s easy for a top to feel trapped in the gravity of the bottom black hole. Resisting this force will often result in the bottom feeling neglected. Is there any way to find equilibrium?
The first step is for the top to experiment a bit. If the caged male wants more action, try giving it to him. He wants to play more often; try every day. It probably won’t take too long before he is too sore and tired to want to continue at that rate. Data point acquired.
He wants to do more, probably painful activities (yes, I know, that’s me). OK, give them to him. Since Lioness 2.0 has been on the scene, she has been doing just that. I wanted to play games. I got Jeopardy with very painful clothespins on my balls. Do I want to do it again? Yes! Do I want to do it every day? Please, no! Another data point.
I got turned on by a random doggy command (“Up boy, up!”). I asked for more. 2.0 requires I wear a dog collar all the time I am not in public; not for a day or week, but all the time. I want domestic discipline. I get very painful spankings for any transgression.
Does all this stop me for wanting to try other things? No it doesn’t. But it does stop me from whining or expressing a sense of urgency. I don’t feel a bit neglected if we skip some time between play sessions. I understand that if I ask to try something, I will do more than try it. Mrs. Lion will take it to the extreme and keep it there. If I say I don’t want to continue, my request falls on deaf ears.
I have a theory about this. Bottoms who act like a black hole have not yet felt the level of control they need or they have excess sexual energy that they want to express through bottoming. Realistically, it’s a combination of both. I think it is likely that the bottom himself isn’t aware of how these needs affect him. Time to go back to the lab.
Take me for example. I’ve been talking about needing to feel more control. This can translate into more activity and more severe sensation. I don’t think that solves the control issue. It’s solves another and we will get to that in a few sentences. In my mind, at least, I feel control when I am required to do something I don’t really want to do. The dog collar is a good example. It’s true that I found it hot to have to wear it, but every day until further notice is not so hot. It does, however let me know that even though I wanted this, I don’t get to decide how it is used.
I also feel control when I am disciplined. It isn’t the discipline itself that does it. It’s the consequence it represents. I am told that I must do something (or not do something) and if I fail, on purpose or accidentally, I am punished. The more restrictive my rules, the more controlled I feel. Uh oh! Black hole warning. This could end up as time-consuming micro management.
This is where the top has to be a bit creative. It isn’t the quantity of rules that matters; it’s the effect a rule has on my life. If I appear to be needing more control, then a single rule that forces me to change something I don’t want to change will have massive force on me. After a time, if that rule is lifted, again I feel the control since my lioness has the ability to make my life easier with a wave of her paw.
I have the ability to test control fairly safely as well. Rules like being naked at home and wearing my collar could be broken to test boundaries. I’m not saying I’ve done that — oh no, not me — but I am saying that if I did, my disobedience wouldn’t threaten our relationship but would give Mrs. Lion an opportunity to teach me a strong lesson. Butt sore. Lesson learned, at least for a while. Thus, we have a self-correcting system; painful for me, but self correcting.
As for sensation play, there is a different issue. A reasonable amount of it is fun and sexy. Mrs. Lion is a genius at causing pain and extreme arousal at the same time. Our house is rigged to make bondage easy. That’s important for me since I love it. The black hole situation is when sensation play becomes like a narcotic. The bottom wants more and more. This can wear a top out quickly.
The solution is intensity. If a bottom, namely me, wants more and more activity, it probably means that whatever brain chemistry (Some call it sub space. I disagree in this case. But that’s another post) is invoked by sensation play isn’t being sufficiently stimulated. Whether that is true or not, if sensation play sessions become more intense, it won’t take long for the bottom to realize that he isn’t up to so much sensation so often. The question, “Do you want to do this tomorrow too?” will probably be answered with a resounding, “No. Please, no.” Problem solved.
Every bottom is different. Individual needs, both top and bottom, will cause issues if not met. In the case of a bottom, me, the answer is rarely what I ask for, but actually the need to feel either control or sensation at a higher level. I imagine the same is true of others in my position.