If you’ve been following recent events (post), you know that on her birthday, Mrs. Lion and I had something of a crisis. Essentially, I boiled over. Over the last weeks I felt that Mrs. Lion had been ignoring me and had lost interest in my enforced chastity and our new FLR relationship. It turned out that she had been distracted by concerns she hadn’t discussed with me. So, we discussed them. We didn’t have a happy ending. We both ended up going to sleep upset with each other. The next day was miserable. I felt so alone.
The issue had nothing to do with enforced chastity or FLR. It was a temporarily lost connection. I can’t stand it if there is any distance between us. She is my best friend and my true love. With or without enforced chastity, I adore her. I want to do things for her because I love her.
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Sometimes I worry that Mrs. Lion and I come off as too sappy. The truth is that we write the way we talk and feel. She is the center of my universe. I’m very lucky to have found her. Since I have been home all the time, I’ve taken over most of the cooking and some of the cleaning. Before you get the idea that this is an appropriate submissive thing to do, think again. It has absolutely nothing to do with our enforced chastity or FLR (Female Led Relationship). It’s a small way I can try to show Mrs. Lion how much she means to me. I may be out of work with a sore back, but that is no reason I can’t let her know how much I care. Trying to tie my actions to a D/S fantasy degrades both my efforts and their value to Mrs. Lion.
It’s way too easy to try to shoehorn everything into some power exchange context. Cooking dinner is submissive. Changing the bed is submissive too. Right? Wrong! Doing those things is my share of our partnership. She won’t punish me if I don’t cook or make the bed (unless, of course, she told me to). If she needs FLR in order for me to do my part as her husband, why would she want to take the considerable time and energy it takes to train me?
I am totally sick of reading comments to posts on another blog where the dominant woman wrote about a serious domestic issue that came from her husband failing to treat her with the proper respect. He failed because he was reacting to other, very painful occurrences in his life. The woman asked what readers thought she should do. Spank him was the response from guys trying to live as submissives. Really?
Well, in subby fantasyland, any behavioral issue is managed with a spanking, early bedtime, or other similar penalty. Why? Because in their minds all they can understand is the D/S fantasy. That is a great way to destroy any possibility of a serious, long-term D/S relationship. Guys, your “mistress” is also your wife. She has a lot more invested in you than acting out unrealistic fantasies.
You know what?
Try spending at least a third of your time as a normal couple equals two people in love. Deal with the real issues in life on that basis. Yes, I know, you want her to make the decisions. But it isn’t fair to expect her to always take that responsibility. Even if she is willing to do it, she needs your input. Then, where do you draw the line? I don’t think that can be spelled out in a contract, or even predicted. You, the submissive male, have to stay sufficiently in touch with reality to be able to step out of your role and just be a husband when needed. It’s more comfortable to stay the subby, but it isn’t fair.
Mrs. Lion and I don’t have any specific plan for this. If the situation is important to either or both of us, we deal with it as partners. If she feels comfortable making the final decision, I am fine with her doing that. Even if the issue is super critical to me, she has the right to decide for me. She also has the right to let me voice my concerns and even let me make the decision. I’m better at some decisions than she is. So where, you ask, is the power exchange? Can you really have one if it is so easy to drop roles?
Yup, you sure can. I have given Mrs. Lion the right to make any decision she chooses, regardless of the situation. So, the power exchange is there even if I am the decider (thanks G.W. Bush for that word). I am only the decider with her permission. Can she spank me if I step out of line because I am distraught over a life event? Yes she can. But she probably won’t. If I’m lucky, she’ll most likely sit down and talk with me about my behavior and how it makes her feel. If I’m doing a bad job of communicating, she will feel hurt and inadequate to make me happy. In that case, I have to regroup and let her know she isn’t failing me. She never fails me. I fail to communicate how I am feeling and let her work with me to make things better.
I trust Mrs. Lion with power over me. I have to trust her to have my best interests in mind at all times. I know she does. My failures in obedience are generally because I forget to do something. Occasionally, I can be lazy or thoughtless. Those lapses are what the paddle is for. It’s not for “fixing” my feelings.