There are times that I think it was a mistake to share so much in our blog. We decided to use this blog as a way to communicate our adventures in enforced chastity. We decided early on that it wouldn’t be endless sexual adventures, but would be a combination of what we did and how we felt.

In that spirit we have been very open about everything that has to do with our power exchange and how we incorporate male chastity into our relationship.We have also talked about problems we have had in the past.

Some of the things that were revealed in our posts surprised me. Mrs. Lion has talked about how she felt during the times we weren’t sexually active. She said she struggled with things I wanted because she felt I wasn’t giving to her. But during those years we never talked about this. We never tried to work out a way to make things work in bed.

Of course, all this is very public now and some of our readers have contributed comments that add to our discussions. I am very happy to see this participation. Some comments have made me feel badly.  The reason for this is that apparently either we are not doing this correctly, or we can’t communicate the three dimensional nature of enforced chastity. For the record, I have over three decades of topping and bottoming and I know all about topping from the bottom. Apparently some of our readers don’t know much about it at all.

Topping from the bottom is a manipulation of the top to give the bottom what he wants. It’s usually not subtle and almost never occurs in long term power exchanges. You are most likely to find this behavior in a playroom during a two hour scene. In my topping days, I put a stop to it quickly. Some of our readers mistake communication with topping from the bottom. Asking for something isn’t topping. It’s just asking. In my case, Mrs. Lion can always say, “No.” Sometimes it’s hard for her to do that, but she is learning. Other times she likes my suggestion and gives it a try.

Which is better: staying silent and never opening up new opportunities to the inexperienced top, or offering suggestions and making requests? Depending on the situation either is appropriate. I try to reserve my requests and suggestions for times we are not playing. That gives Mrs. Lion time to consider what I have said and doesn’t put pressure on her to do what I want then and there.

Some of you have interpreted her accepting of a suggestion or request as weakness on her part and topping from the bottom on mine. It’s just not true. First and foremost we love one another. Mrs. Lion is my keyholder and top because I asked her to be (Oh No! Topping from the bottom.). She is doing it to make me happy. Naturally, she wants to know exactly what does make me happy. That makes perfect sense to me.

Over the last 10 months, Mrs. Lion has begun to develop her own topping dialect. She is far less inclined to take every suggestion I make. She has made it clear that she is her own lioness and while she may be doing all this for me, she understands that I don’t want to write her lines or direct our movie. We are communicating and learning.

A comment came in yesterday from a female reader who indicated that she is losing interest in becoming a keyholder because of the level of effort required in real-life enforced chastity.  Here’s what she said,

I have to be honest here, the more I read your blog, and I read it fairly consistently, the more I see I am less tempted to pursue this keyholding I was formerly quite intending to engage in with someone. I say just chop it off, kidding. But it seems very time consuming and a lot of focus on balancing out tease and denial. Unless one is a sadist then I suspect it’s easier. I wonder how long this dynamic can be sustained? But that’s one of the points of reading the blog isn’t it? 

I sense that the subtext here is that she worries teasing could easily be too cruel. Actually, that is one thing you never have to worry about. I’ve yet to meet a guy who doesn’t learn to absolutely love teasing. The only reason you need to stop a teasing session is that you are tired and want to lock him back up.  The other issue is the time it takes. Well, if you lock up someone you are in a relationship with, the time spent will be quality time, and time you would have been together anyway.

Despite the changes Mrs. Lion and I are making, enforced chastity is fun. Admittedly, it is more fun for me than her, but she gets something out of this too. We are much more sexually active, we hug and kiss more, we laugh together more, and we have more intimacy than we have had in years. If, on the other hand, you just want to lock up a random male, I suspect you will grow tired of it quickly. Enforced chastity is an investment that is made by the keyholder in the ultimate happiness of the caged male. So, you need a reason to make that investment. The same is true of the male. He needs to want more than just getting his cock locked up. He needs to want to develop the trust and love that comes from dependence on another.

(Getting off my soapbox)

Yesterday, with all the talk of Lion topping from the bottom, his feelings were hurt. It seemed like people were attacking him. The only one allowed to hurt Lion is me and that’s only during play. So last night I decided to do just that.

I unlocked him to give him some much needed attention. It’s only been a few days since his orgasm so he is not incredibly horny yet. Still, Mr. Weenie does like to be stroked and fondled. I don’t think he was counting on the fact that his balls would be whomped.

I was proud of him. He squirmed only a tiny bit. I know it was hurting, but he took it very well. At one point he took twenty hard whacks. Poor Lion. In between whacks I stroked him. Eventually I edged him three times and then gave him his customary oral attention. I didn’t spend too much time with my mouth. It was too tempting. I might have taken a bonus orgasm if I had continued.

That’s actually the real problem. Not that he wants to come so badly. But that I want him to come so badly. So I steal one now and then. And again, people think I am too nice to him. Heck no! It’s me I’m being nice to. I love giving him orgasms. I love how he tastes.

I think tonight he’ll get some more attention. Maybe some more pain. Maybe some anal training. No orgasm though. Not till the 26th.

Over the last ten months, we have been growing into our enforced chastity. Mrs. Lion has made no secret of the fact that it isn’t her choice that she tops me. As she’s said as recently as yesterday, she is my keyholder because I want her to do that for me She never expressed a deep-seated need to make me wait for orgasms or to beat my butt. She never considered it hot to see me in a chastity device desperate to get release. She never wanted to be in charge.

I’m the one who wanted to be caged. I want her to spank me and to make me wait for an orgasm. I’m the one who wants to be tied to the bed. I am the one who wanted to be a bottom. Since she had no interest in any of this until I asked, there is no reason to expect her to know the first thing about topping.  It would be stupid and self defeating idea for me to ask her to be my keyholder on Monday and on Tuesday have her turn into an experience dominatrix. What’s more, it is equally insane to expect me to express my long held desire to bottom on a full time basis and then expect me to become a perfectly submissive male. If you’ve been reading us for a while, you know that we have slowly, and sometimes painfully, begun learning and accepting our roles. It hasn’t been easy for either of us.

Topping, or being a keyholder, is not something people do instinctively — at least most people don’t.  It has to be learned. There is a lot of stuff on the Internet about topping and bottoming, most of it written by people who have never done either. There is some good stuff, but it is quite rare. My background is real life topping and bottoming (not much of that). I’ve been a member of a very large leather organization for more than 25 years. I learned my trade (topping mostly) in dungeons and in workshops conducted by experts. I’ve led workshops on many important topping techniques. I learned by doing, not reading.

When we were first together, I took Mrs. Lion to some leather events. She was uncomfortable. I can’t blame her. It can be scary and overwhelming. It was made worse because I knew everyone and she was brand new. We stopped going. She wasn’t interested in public play or in learning in workshops. Fair enough.

Now, a decade later, we both realize that I need to bottom and the by ignoring that, we lost intimacy in our relationship. It became obvious to us both that something had to change. So, last year I revisited enforced chastity. I looked at devices and bought a couple of cheap ones. Eventually, I talked about enforced chastity with Mrs. Lion. She agreed to try it.

More importantly, we began talking about what would work and what wouldn’t. We remembered our last attempts at play. They were brief and not satisfactory. We agreed that if this were to be different, we would have to be much more committed. Enforced chastity is perfect for that. If she decided to drift off and stop playing, if I wanted to come I would have to remind her that I was at her mercy. My penis made sure we would keep going.

Another problem that any new keyholder faces is learning exactly what will work for her male. It isn’t that she is a puppet being topped from the bottom. It’s that topping anyone requires a lot of knowledge. You have to know how to use the techniques you want to apply. You must know what your bottom wants, doesn’t want, expects, and hates. Most importantly, as a top,  you want to train your bottom to want you to take control. That process begins by doing what your bottom wants; letting him make “suggestions” and then following them. That builds trust.

It also helps you develop skills and knowledge. Over time the suggestions become less important. You understand what works and doesn’t work. You develop preferences in terms of activities. You are a baby top. Over more time  you will become more and more independent. Your bottom will learn to simply accept what you choose to do. You both grow into your roles.

That’s what’s been happening with us. We are evolving in our roles. As you read this blog you can see this evolution. I realize that we may be moving slower than some and faster than others. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that ten months later I am still locked in my device and Mrs. Lion is grabbing my leash and taking more control. That’s progress!

I hesitate to title this post in such a way that suggests Lion is topping from the bottom any more than he’s already been accused of. But let me be clear, he is caged because he wants to be caged. We play because he wants to play. He has the experience, both as top and bottom. I am learning from him. He is helping me understand what he wants and how to go about doing it. I do this to make him happy.

In a perfect world, he would have a real top. Someone who knows what she’s doing. Someone who doesn’t need to be reminded that she’s in
charge. Someone who likes to be in charge. Instead he has me. And I do these things for him because I love him more than anything and I would
do almost anything for him.

I am fighting more against myself than him. It’s difficult for me to be in charge. It’s difficult for me to hurt him. Sure, I’ve gotten better. Sure, I have my “aha” moments. I realize it’s frustrating for Lion and for our readers to see me fumbling around like an idiot. Welcome to my world. But while it’s difficult for me to learn to become a top, it’s difficult for him to learn to become a bottom. For most of Lion’s life he’s been in charge. He’s good at it. He likes it. It’s hard to let that go. Even though he wants to.

If left to my own devices, I would not be in charge of Lion. I would not be playing with him. But when we stopped last time everything ended. No sex. No intimacy. No communication. I do not want to go back to that, so I am committed to doing what Lion wants and needs.

Sometimes it does feel like Lion is topping from the bottom, but I’m starting to see it as more of a gentle nudge to get me on track. Whatever he’s doing, he’s gotten us this far. In the future I may need less and less guidance from him, but I appreciate his patience with me. Neither one of us is easy to teach.