Being a new keyholder has many challenges. One of the most difficult is dealing with sex; not sex for him, but for you. Not every woman considers it her dream sex life when she has to tell her partner what she wants and when. The essence of romance is spontaneous affection and love making. Spur-of-the-moment lovemaking just isn’t possible when your male is caged. At the least there is the interruption while he is unlocked. Then there is the matter of foreplay.
Usually this is the woman’s problem; getting her male to take the time to get her aroused and ready for the main event. In a typical forced male chastity relationship, the male is almost always ready to provide unselfish pleasure to his keyholder. After all, he is locked up and knows that he can only get stimulation if she chooses to provide it. Clearly that dreamt-about spontaneous lovemaking isn’t going to happen with your male caged. Having to unlock him before even beginning can feel very much like “demanding” sex. That isn’t the idea.
Mrs. Lion and I are wrestling with this problem now. It’s come up in the past since I have never been very good at initiating lovemaking. Compounding the situation, Mrs. Lion’s libido hasn’t been very strong lately. This may have been due to medications she was taking. Between locking me up and the increased sexual activity with me and stopping the meds, Mrs. Lion says she is starting to feel more frisky. She’s made it clear that at least some of the time she wants old fashioned vanilla sex. Sounds good to me!
The problem is that she doesn’t want to schedule this. I can’t blame her. Checking the calendar and blocking out time is a buzz kill. On the other hand, I do need to be wild (no cage) if we are to engage in vanilla sex. How do we manage this quandary? We don’t have the answer yet. But we recognize that we need to do something.
It may be that we need to reach a sexual compromise that takes into account the fact that I am caged almost all of the time. My current thinking is that Mrs. Lion signals that she is feeling frisky. I don’t know what that signal will be, but she will need to find something she can do that doesn’t spoil her mood. When I get the signal I can (I don’t have to since this is outside the power exchange) respond with kisses, hugs, fondling, oral contact, etc. Bear in mind that I am still safely locked up.
Mrs. Lion can, if she wishes, let me continue pleasing her until she has several nice orgasms. Or, she can stop the action long enough to unlock me and then I can continue stimulating her. At some point after I am uncaged, she will need to stimulate me as well. Between my age and the natural effect of being continuously in my cage, she can’t expect an instant erection from me. Due to medications I am taking, I may also need a “boner pill” (Cialis or Viagra). this isn’t usually necessary, but some intercourse positions do require it. If that’s the case, then at some point before we actually begin, she may need to suggest that it’s possible she might be in the mood tonight. Cialas works for me two full days. So even if it turns out that tonight wasn’t “the night”, I’ll still be ready to go tomorrow.
My point is that even couples who don’t practice forced male chastity have to make changes to support issues that come up as we age. It doesn’t mean the sex isn’t as good as it once was. It just means that we have to make adjustments for these changes. If couples can have great sex even though interrupted by the need for medication or synthetic lube, then forced male chastity couples can take the time to unlock the male and still have a wonderful, romantic time.
As a keyholder, it’s up to you to let your male know what your “I want romance” signal is. When you send that signal it means that he is to behave the way he would if he didn’t wear a cage and you weren’t in charge. We’ve talked about taking breaks from chastity as another way to support romance. However, breaks are planned events. This suggestion is for unplanned romance and love. Being a keyholder can get a lot nicer when you can have these unplanned romantic moments.
Cosmopolitan did a study and 70% of the men said they had fantasies of being tied up. 80% of the women said they wanted to be tied up too. I’m not surprised by the number of women who dreamed of bondage. When I was topping, there was never a shortage of willing female victims. If you look at those numbers, there’s really no one left to do the tying. Forced chastity is bondage. The caged male is restrained from access to his penis.
Clearly, almost everyone likes the idea of being tied up, at least at some level. Being tied up means losing control. I suspect that means very different things to men and women. For men, at least like me, it means I no longer get to orgasm when I want. I am at the mercy of my keyholder. Based on my experience and years of workshops with men and women, I suspect that many of the women want to be tied up for the opposite reason; they want to be liberated from the social and moral restrictions on unrestrained pleasure. Almost every woman I topped wanted to be teased to the edge of orgasm and then allowed screaming release. In 2014 that may seem quaint since we are post-feminine liberation and women are not only allowed to enjoy sex, they expect us to give them at least as much fun as we have. Nevertheless, almost all of us, male and female, crave the ability to just give in to sensations and come! Bondage is a great tool to permit that.
What does this have to do with forced male chastity? I think it has a lot to do with it. The odds are three to one that your keyholder has had fantasies of being tied up. She has probably imagined amazing sex while she was helpless to resist or complain. No, this isn’t a rape fantasy. It’s consenting lovers. Now, consider what happens when a male asks to be locked up. If your partner is one of the 70% she may be confused. Her fantasies are about glorious sex while helpless. Yours is about no sex. It doesn’t compute, at least at first. Men and women look at being tied up through very different lenses.
Do you agree that a chastity device is a form of bondage? It is for me. It graphically announces that I have no say in when I will have my next orgasm. Did anyone ask a new keyholder if she wants to decide when you will come next? Did she even think that far ahead when she agreed to lock you up. Since we know that eight out of ten women fantasize about being tied up themselves, could you generate some resentment because you are getting your fantasy and she isn’t? It doesn’t matter that she may never have wanted to make that fantasy come true, on some level she may resent your ability to realize a dream that she can’t.
I know I am not right about 100% of the women who may read this; only 80%. This difference is not insurmountable. I topped for most of my adult life even though I have always wanted to be tied up. Just because I let out my inner submissive doesn’t mean that Mrs. Lion will forever resent that I got “there” first. It does mean that both of us have to be sensitive to each others feelings. As the lucky partner who gets to be tied up, I need to be sure to find ways to provide the pleasure that my lioness isn’t getting because I got tied up first.
So far every caged male I’ve read about has initiated the caging. He’s fantasized about it and finally gets the courage to approach his partner with the idea. Usually the couple has been involved in some sort of play, but there are some men who seemingly come out of nowhere with the proposal. That’s the way it happened with Lion and me. He toyed with the idea for years before seriously presenting it to me.
I’m wondering how many women actually initiate the caging. It stands to reason that if the woman is the top and looking for ways to up the ante, so to speak, she may consider caging her male. How does that conversation go? For the most part, women seem to be shocked or confused when asked to cage their males. Are men shocked when it’s presented to them? Do they jump at the chance? Do they need time to warm up to the idea?
Is it that forced chastity is a concept by and for males? How many women actually heard of this practice? If you are a woman who has caged her male or a male who did not initiate the caging, please let us know how it all happened. It will add yet another perspective to our story.
(Wednesday, May 14 2014) Most of what you read about forced male chastity is about how to deal with a caged male. Most of it is written by caged males, including me. If you go by what you read, the keyholder has the best job in the world; she gets anything she wants any time she wants. I remember when I was a top, I would ask self-proclaimed submissive women what they give back to their tops in exchange for the effort it takes to top them. Almost every new bottom answered, “The gift of my submission.” Some gift!
Topping is work. A successful keyholder, even in a rather vanilla relationship, has to put in substantial effort to support her caged male. She has to decide what he must do, how long to keep him locked, discipline, teasing, ruined orgasms, and other entertainments for him. The problem is that many caged males refuse to understand the reality of their caged male/keyholder relationships. The fantasy is that the caged male is a sexual captive who can only orgasm or even get erect at the whim of his keyholder. She, on the other hand, can demand endless sexual gratification at any time from him. He also may be required to perform domestic and personal tasks for his keyholder. In that context it does sound like the keyholder has all the goodies and the caged male is Cinderella hoping for some sexual scraps. That’s the fantasy. One reason many keyholders soon lose interest in forced male chastity is that the reality is very different. Let’s look at it from the keyholder’s perspective.
One day her partner tells her that he has been dreaming of forced male chastity. She agrees to lock him up because it is clearly something he wants badly. The early days are filled with mutual discoveries. Both keyholder and caged male enjoy this new game. She enjoys being pleasured at will. She probably also likes that her male is now paying much more attention to her. This chastity honeymoon goes on for a while. She learns about rules and discipline, toys, pegging, and other topping activities. Most keyholders don’t even realize that they are, in fact, topping.
The honeymoon ends when the keyholder realizes that even though her caged male is at her beck and call, she only gets sex when she demands it and lets him know exactly what she wants. She wakes up to the fact that she is spending considerable time and energy keeping him entertained with rules, punishments, and whatever else they do. In short, she discovers that topping is work. This is when WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) cuts in. She realizes that everything is coming from her. The caged male receives her attention, but she only gets what she demands in the context of topping.
In the BDSM world, this is known as “top drop”. The top feels let down. This is made worse by her own values changing. She learned it isn’t nice to hurt others or frustrate them. Now, her main purpose is to do that to her love; her caged male. This takes an emotional toll. Gone are the soft moments when he shared love and affection. They are replaced by her being a demanding bitch. Why is she doing this? What is she getting out of it? The standard male answer is “everything.” To many women it feels just the opposite. Her male has gone from lover to elaborate vibrator, providing orgasms on demand. This may sound extreme. I used this language intentionally. The key is that there is a growing imbalance between the keyholder and her male.
A friend of mine once described this problem very simply: The bottom gets “done” – receives sensation and emotional gratification from the top. The top “does” – performs the work needed to “do” the bottom. Even if the top likes doing, she is still working and giving while the bottom just has to receive. If the keyholder / caged male relationship is to survive, something must happen to restore balance.
First of all, the chores and sex on demand must be discounted. They are being performed because it fits the caged male’s bottom role. The keyholder has to do something in order to get those “benefits”. The caged male can not live in the forced chastity fantasy 24/7. If he does, his poor keyholder will almost certainly burn out. The male must go out of his forced chastity role and provide for the well being of his keyholder. What does this involve?
First thing, after the keyholder disciplines, pegs, or otherwise entertains her male, he should recognize that this effort took a physical and emotional toll. When the session is done, he should hold, kiss, and thank his keyholder for the effort she put in to support him. Not part of the fantasy? Too bad. If you want to do this long term, you better get used to supporting your keyholder. She needs to know that you appreciate what she is doing and that it is ok that she teases and frustrates you. You may hate breaking the mood, but for her well being, she needs to hear that she is doing something you want and like.
Another critical step is to take very regular vacations from forced chastity. During these chastity vacations, the male is uncaged and not subject to the rules or orders of his keyholder. She goes back to being his partner and lover. Go on a date. Eat out, watch a movie, make out, and make love. This time tihe man makes the moves. She gets to feel loved without the chastity overlay. Some couples reserve a weekend a month, others a day each weekend. You both have to decide and agree on how you will work this.
Keyholders, if your partner reads this and decides that he can’t possibly get out of chastity mode, then you should seriously consider if you want to continue locking him up. Top drop can turn into depression and feelings of failure. Just like I need to hear that I am a good boy, lioness needs to know how much I appreciate her hard work to cage me and support forced chastity. She needs to know that I want to have sex with her. I love it when she tells me what she wants, but even if she never tells me, I still want her. Chastity is something we do. It isn’t who we are.