Belonging
The idea of ownership sometimes comes up when discussing various power exchanges. This can be as extreme as tattoos identifying the owner, or much more subtle signals that are equally significant. This concept of ownership doesn’t have to mean that the owned person is property. Far from it. Those of us who wear chastity devices are certainly owned, at least in a sexual sense. Our keyholders have absolute control over our sexual expression.
Does giving up control mean the same thing as transferring ownership? I don’t think so. After all, there is a big difference between a couple who practices enforced chastity for a weekend as part of power exchange play and one where the male is always locked in a device unless released for a short time to amuse his keyholder. In my case, I can be allowed to run around without my cage for a day or two,but there is absolutely no doubt that I will be locked back up again.
In my view, the biggest difference between control and ownership lies in the hands of the owned person. Am I consenting to let Mrs. Lion have permanent control of my sexuality or have I given her ownership? In the first case, whatever agreement we have defines her control. In the second, while there still may be an agreement, I feel that I belong to her and that she alone will decide the conditions of my chastity.
There is a giant gap between those two cases. Functionally, they can be the same. But emotionally they are worlds apart. I belong to my lioness. I strongly feel that she possesses me. That sense gives me a feeling of comfort and security. Sexually, I am unconditionally hers. There is no debate or discussion. I know that she and she alone will decide what, if any, sexual satisfaction I get. There are no escape clauses, no expiration date. I trust that her love and good sense will assure that I will get the release I need.
I don’t have to be submissive to be sexually owned. That’s a good thing since I’m not. In my case it started as a decision to surrender sexual control to my lioness. For reasons I may never fully understand, that surrender profoundly changed our relationship. Communication improved exponentially. Physical closeness improved as well. We are a better couple now. No wonder we decided to make enforced chastity a permanent change.
At first I thought that this decision to permanently bestow ownership of my sexuality on Mrs. Lion was also clear evidence that I am submitting to her in all ways. It turns out I’m not. I’m just not submissive. But I do like domestic discipline and I am happy to give Mrs. Lion control over my behavior in non-sexual situations; to a degree. She knows that I am used to control and expect to be in charge. I do have a dominant personality.
Does that seem contradictory? It isn’t. I’ll give you an example. A parent raises a child and in the beginning has total control (ownership?) of the child. As the child matures, he gets more and more control over his life. It’s not unusual for some control to be retained, even into adulthood. This control can be transferred to his spouse when he marries. The same is true of women. Society expects husbands to retain some parental authority over their wives. How much control is the subject of an entirely different conversation.
I never had any real parental control. My parents didn’t take the time to raise me. That was done by hired help and later, boarding school. I had to decide what was right for me and then follow the course. No one disciplined me. It’s easy to see that in a deep way I equate discipline with love. It may be less obvious with other guys, but this inner child seems to live in all of us.
It’s no accident that many men and women in very powerful positions seek to bottom and be dominated. I know because I have met quite a few at various leather parties and events. Washington DC is full of elected officials who want their bottoms spanked. This desire to bottom has been recorded through history. But I digress. There appears to be a Yin Yang nature to control. Someone who is required to be in charge all the time can begin to feel a deep need to surrender control. I certainly feel that.
That’s why I so often bristle when people talk to me about being dom or sub. People are far more complex than that. So, yes, I can surrender to my lioness and accept her rules and discipline without giving up my dominant nature. I can enjoy the feeling of belonging to her. I cherish that. I can do all that without being a submissive lion. I am free to decide (that’s the dominant lion talking) what I will surrender and what I will control.
Of course, once I do surrender some part of my life, I can’t wake up one morning and take it back. That would be ingenuous at the least. One true trait of a dominant is the value of his/her word. If I give my word I will keep it. I may learn to hate rules that my lioness may make, but I will follow them. I gave my word. I will bare my bottom and meekly present it for spanking. A lion keeps his word; even a dominant one.
The Lion Challenge
Usually Lion challenges me by coming up with ideas that take me a while to get my head wrapped around. He asked to be locked up. He asked me to be in charge. He asked me for punishment. But I think the most challenging thing is dealing with him when he’s not interested in sex, or broken, as he calls it. It’s not that he’s grumbling or acting like a toddler. I’d prefer that, actually. He’s in an Eeyore space. “I’m just a broken Lion. Thanks for noticing me.” Now I love Eeyore and I love Lion, but that behavior is difficult to deal with. It’s not annoying, but I don’t know what to do to help.
Today, I plan to clean the bedroom to get rid of dust and pet dander that may be exacerbating Lion’s itching. I say “plan” because I tend to get distracted easily by other things that need to be done. Look! A squirrel! That stack of mail needs to go in the garbage, and then the garbage needs to go out, and then there’s this other thing I needed to do, and then another and another. And before I know it, Lion is home and I haven’t gotten the original task accomplished. If I can stop the itching, I can get the horny Lion back. At least that’s the theory. That’s also part of the theory behind visiting our dungeon this weekend. It’s a closed room that gathers less dust and dog fur so it’s less of a challenge for Lion. Plus there’s a sling. And toys.
I’ve got six days to get my pet tree-humping horny for his scheduled orgasm. Not exactly the countdown to Christmas I was expecting, but we’ll make do. The main thing is to change Eeyore back into Lion.
The Gift That Keeps On Taking
The holidays are here in the U.S. Christmas is a week away and people are shopping madly. In a previous post I suggested that a good gift for a man who wants to try enforced chastity is a donation toward a custom chastity device. I don’t think it is a good idea to buy him one. It’s very hard to get fitting right and you would probably give away what you planned for a surprise if you start measuring his cock.
Actually, if your partner has at one time or another let you know he was thinking about enforced chastity, the best gift is free. You can’t wrap it and present it to him, but you can make him very happy.What to do? Start dropping hints about sexual control. You know, “Hey sweetie, I was thinking it might be fun to only let you come when I tell you.” That will set his little heart going pitty-pat. You can escalate too. Play with him and get him close to orgasm and then very sweetly tell him, “Not tonight, dear. Let’s save it for when you really want it.”
You get the idea; little messages that suggest you want control of his penis. See how he responds. You may find that your macho partner really does want his little weenie owned by you. Worst case: you will get some puzzled looks. Chances are that he will be intrigued. If he responds positively, or neutrally — he doesn’t strongly object to your small efforts at control — then keep on trucking. Try asking him to give you a nice oral orgasm. Then, when you are done, kiss him sweetly and tell him that if he keeps on being good he will get his turn. Roll over and go to sleep.
No doubt that behavior will be puzzling to him. If he continues to accept your control, you are both on your way. There’s no rush to even mention a chastity device. He may surprise you and ask for one. This may sound sneaky to some. It really isn’t. Sexual control fantasies are deeply felt and very often never expressed. The gift, you see, is providing a positive environment to allow him not only to express his fantasy, but to live it. It takes time to feel safe being so vulnerable. You are making it possible for him to allow that inner desire for sexual control to come out and play.
There’s a chance he will hate sexual control. OK, chalk that one off your naughty list. My guess is that even if surrendering sexually isn’t his thing, your gentle attempt at controlling him will give him a chance to express his sexual fantasies. Whether you end up as his keyholder or not, you’ve opened the door to new, very-interesting possibilities. Have fun!
Success! (Sort of)
As you know, Lion has been having a rough time being itchy and grumpy. Last night he wanted to try playing. With the help of the Magic Wand, I was able to get him fully aroused and almost to the edge before we had to stop. I think it’s a good sign. He thinks he’s still broken. Good thing it’s what I think that counts. But it doesn’t actually.
I think, and I said this the other day, that his broken-ness is partially in his mind. If he believes he’s broken, then he will be. What is it, 99% of sex is mental? Something like that. When I tie him up, his mind goes to the restraints and the loss of control, and he relaxes. Then he can be aroused more easily. Ta da! No more broken Lion.
I’m not saying the itchiness is all in his mind. I know that’s driving him crazy. I’m saying the idea of being broken is all in his mind. He’s got no choice but to think about scratching and that makes him grumpy and that makes him less likely to be horny and that makes him think he’s broken. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m doing my best to break him out of it.
Our weekends always seem to get eaten up by chores and errands. This weekend I’m carving out at least an hour for dungeon play. When I get him in his sling he’ll forget all about being broken. He’ll be wishing it was Christmas eve and his scheduled orgasm date. I just have to get his mind off the damn itching.
