Quite the Pair
It’s safe to say that Lion and I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking we disappoint each other. I think I don’t do enough for him. He thinks he doesn’t do enough for me. We’re a mess.
Last night I gave Lion his punishment swats for saying he’s broken all the time. Before I started, I warned him that if he moved we’d have to start all over again. One of his New Year’s resolutions was to stay still for punishment no matter how much it hurt. After eight or ten hard swats last night, with a pause in the middle for effect, he rolled over and told me it was just too much. I thought I could get him to roll over but then I realized it really was too much for him. Naturally, I thought I had gone too far. And also naturally, he thought he hadn’t gone far enough. He spent the rest of the night apologizing for moving and for breaking his resolution. He thinks he failed me. I kept telling him it was okay. After all, I thought I had failed him. We’re quite a pair.
This morning he asked if we can try again. We can. But why? What am I punishing him for? This is where I lose focus. He already feels bad that he moved, so isn’t he already punishing himself? He didn’t disappoint me. If anything, he disappointed himself. When my kids did something stupid, I’d yell for a bit and then tell them they were grounded for a certain period of time. When my then-husband came home we’d discuss it and he’d yell all over again and tell them they were grounded. Why? I’d already handled it. We’re done here. Why beat a dead horse?
So tonight I’ll punish Lion for not staying still during punishment. My challenge will be to make the swats as hard as last night. Punishing him for moving does not annoy me as much as his saying he’s broken.
Wild And Plugged
As Mrs. Lion wrote yesterday, I have a sore of unknown origin on my penis. It looks a lot better and doesn’t hurt if touched. I’m healing. I’m also wearing the Njoy large butt plug. There is a larger one, the Njoy 2.0. We have that model but I am in no way ready to accept it. The plug is anatomically designed with a very narrow neck (See image, right) and a large body. Once in, it nestles nicely in my anal canal. More traditional plugs are straight and have much thicker necks. As far as anal training goes, a wider neck is better to condition anal muscles to relax and more easily accept larger objects, like dildos for pegging. I’m sure Mrs. Lion will work on that too. In the meantime, I’m grateful to be wearing this more-comfortable model.
This sort of activity has nothing to do with enforced chastity. It’s just that a lot of people who practice chastity also like other forms of topping too. Caging and controlling my penis is just one form of power exchange. Training me to accept anal visitors is another. And, of course, I also accept domestic discipline. Anal play has an erotic component even though it doesn’t give me an erection. Domestic discipline is not a bit arousing except as a fantasy. The practice is very unpleasant and encourages me to work hard to avoid punishment.
Speaking of punishment, Mrs. Lion wrote that I would be punished for saying that I am broken. I am writing this on Saturday evening (plugged and sitting at my desk). The spanking will come later. I know it will test my resolution to hold still for any amount of painful spanking. I’ll do my best but I am very sure it will take time and lots of painful practice for me to actually succeed.
This is not good pain. I love play spankings that can get just as intense as punishment. The difference is that during a play spanking, Mrs. Lion is watching my reactions and adjusting her swats to allow my endorphin level to build up so that the swats actually feel good. Punishment spankings start with very hard swats and never let up. In this case, Mrs. Lion wants the opposite effect. If she sees I am not suffering enough, she will swat much harder. Her implement of choice is called a ferule. It is 16-inches long with a 3 1/2 inch diameter business end. It’s made of heavy, hard wood and is 3/8th-inches thick. That long handle and small striking area gives her a lot of leverage. In fact, this paddle is based on a design used for punishment in American colonial times. Of all the paddles I have ever experienced, it is the most effective.
This seems very hot to think about. It’s the opposite when you are the target. I am not even slightly aroused thinking about the upcoming spanking. I dread it. As Mrs. Lion likes to say, “That’s the idea, isn’t it?” Yes, Mrs. Lion, it is. I don’t like it a bit. Of course, nobody asked me if I did. This is the point where fantasy and reality diverge the most. For me, at least, it clearly reminds me that this isn’t a game designed to turn me on. It’s negative reinforcement designed to change my behavior. Experience has taught me that I am often not a very fast learner; but after a few “reminders” I learn. Discipline to be effective, requires almost perfect consistency. Not only does consistent enforcement effect the behavior change, but it also gives me a feeling of security.
The idea that punishment provides security isn’t as odd as it might sound. Since I agreed to domestic discipline and Mrs. Lion has set some boundaries, if crossing one fails to evoke an appropriate response, I start to wonder if I am worth the time and trouble to control me. Loving strictness builds an amazing bond between both disciplining wife and her disciplined husband. Agreeing to provide domestic discipline, enforced chastity, and other power exchanges, is a commitment that is held very deeply by the disciplined husband, me. I am not sure I can put why into words. I think it’s that I have agreed to be vulnerable; to be sexually controlled and punished for any reason Mrs. Lion wishes. That agreement puts me in a very emotionally vulnerable state. Love is now expressed by strict enforcement of our exchange in addition to the more traditional ways.
I know that Mrs. Lion loves me even if she forgets to discipline me, play, or do things she said she would do. I don’t believe she no longer loves me. It’s not that simple. For me, at least, it feels badly when that predictability goes awry. From what I’ve read, others have the same reaction. Mrs. Lion knows this. She’s written about it. It’s one of the most difficult things about being in charge. What can feel like a small omission can mean quite a lot to the person you rule. I’m really lucky my lioness loves me so much that she works hard to avoid hurting me that way. For the record, I’m not broken. I am out of commission sexually for a while. However, as Mrs. Lion has shown me, there is another place she can exert sexual control. I have a plug in that place now.
Breaking Lion
As Lion wrote, he’s out of commission. A sore on Mr. Weenie has suspended play for a while. Each time he gets a sore, he’s sure it is something nefarious. To me, it usually looks the same. There’s something about the quality of the skin on a weenie that makes a sore look worse than it is. Add to that the fact that it’s on his favorite body part and it seems to multiply the severity to him. Now he says he’s broken again.
I hate that. Whether he’s not functioning because of depression, his itchiness, a sore, or whatever, he says he’s broken. In his mind, he’s broken and worthless and I’m immediately going to rush off to find a better man. I’m not a toddler. I can see beyond this moment. I know he’ll be back on track in a day or so. I also know it’s not his fault. His orgasm will be waiting for him when he’s ready for it. Besides, how long have I been broken (not wanting sex) and he hasn’t run off to find a better woman. Neither one of us is going anywhere.
However, I do think Lion should be punished for crying wolf so many times. He thinks because he didn’t write it in a post, he shouldn’t be punished for saying he’s broken. Not true. He’s said it a number of times to me. If he really wants to avoid punishment, he should stop saying it. What he thinks is his own business and I can’t punish him for thoughts. Once those thoughts are verbalized, or typed in the case of a post, they are fair game for discipline.
Now, his sore weenie has thrown a monkey wrench into my plans for the weekend. He was supposed to be wild between his two orgasms and then be in diapers (no cage) during the day until bedtime Sunday. I don’t want to subject him to sitting in pee with an open sore so the diapers are out. I’ve also left him wild because I don’t want to add any friction to the sore area. Since he’s out of commission through no fault of his own I can’t very well punish him for wrecking my plans. Therefore, the plans have to change. We need to run some errands today and then Lion will have to hold a butt plug for a while. What constitutes a while? At least two hours or until he’s too uncomfortable. Generally he can hold it for more than two hours, but I assume, during the day, he’ll have things he needs or wants to do. That movement may prove challenging with a butt plug in. We’ll find out, won’t we?
Tonight he’ll get his punishment for saying he’s broken. My guess is, he won’t be so quick to say it when I’m through with him.
Out Of Commission For Now
My New Year’s Eve orgasm was wonderful. I did wince a few times during the warm-up. Something hurt as Mrs. Lion’s hand did its work. After the action was over, it was clear I have a problem. There is a sore near the head of my penis. It was tender all day Friday, so we had to postpone the scheduled, New Year’s Day orgasm. Bummer! Today is a new day and if I am better, there is a chance I can get a rain check.
We’ve both been writing about what we want to improve this year. I published my list and Mrs. Lion mentioned a few of her own. She agreed with my list, particularly the need for me to earn my sexual attention. On sexless New Year’s day I reflected on the large collection of toys we own. One is a fucking machine. It’s a model sent to me years ago by a long-defunct company for review. It’s fairly basic. It takes a Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock dildo. This system makes it easy to substitute different toys. The one they supplied is quite large; too much for my untrained ass. While watching the Rose Bowl I remembered that device in our play room and mentioned it to Mrs. Lion. I suggested we get a more lion-sized dildo. She said, “Uh huh.”
In the past she mentioned the machine and said it would be good for pegging. I’ll get a smaller dildo and the training can begin. I found this one and I think it will be good to use to get going. The challenge will be actually using it and the fucking machine. We don’t use many of our toys. I’m not sure why, but I think it has more to do with establishing good play habits than anything else. Part of the problem is that Mrs. Lion is fairly indifferent to play. She does it because she knows I want/need it, but not for her own pleasure. It feels to me that she considers this a chore; not an unpleasant one, but work nonetheless.
I admit that in general I am a much more motivated person than she. She has found a way to remember things pertaining to my training. In one case, she has scheduled punishment days as a recurring appointment at 8pm every Monday and Thursday, Her phone reminds her if I don’t. That reminder has cost me more than one spanking when I’ve forgotten to remind her. Perhaps her iPhone can begin to provide consistent play. She can schedule activities and get a reminder on the evenings when they should occur. She uses her calendar to plan my orgasm days in advance. Maybe the same system would work for anal play, fucking machine, as well as other recurring training activities.
We need to improve our performance in this power exchange. As we approach our second anniversary in enforced chastity, it may be time to step things up. It might be a good goal to make not doing a training activity a rare exception instead of our current, more-laid-back approach. I realize that right now this sounds great. But when I am tired and a little sore and still have to drag my ass down to the dungeon to get pegged (just an example, Mrs. Lion), I will be sorry I suggested this. The thing is that powering through that inertia has always ended up making things better for us. Predictability and consistency will go a long way for me, at least. It may be time for more baby steps.
