What Was I Thinking?
Yesterday, Mrs. Lion gave me a couple of assignments. They were straightforward. I joined our local community center and approved of the fitness facilities there. I also had women’s panties on when Mrs. Lion got home. The first assignment was a sensible attempt to help me get out of the house and help me stop fretting about being out of work. The second was, well, just an assignment. I got no sexual arousal out of being in panties. I certainly wouldn’t have put them on without being ordered. You may be wondering why I had them in the first place.
They didn’t just appear in my chest of drawers. I ordered them like the diapers and other things that might contribute to my domination. I purchased them because, at the time it seemed like a hot idea. What changed? Why then, isn’t wearing panties hot now? Why don’t I like wearing diapers? What in the world was I thinking?
I was thinking the same kind of thoughts that I had when I ordered new paddles. That’s not a very good answer. All of this sort of activity is motivated by my imagination. In my mind, I saw these implements being used by Mrs. Lion to wield her power. I was aroused by these thoughts. So, I talked to her about these thoughts and acquired the means to put them into practice. I never expected to enjoy it when she put me in panties or diapers. I knew I would hate those new paddles bruising my butt. For that matter, I knew there would be a lot of times I would hate wearing a chastity device.
In the ideal, disciplined male world, the keyholder/disciplining wife would get great enjoyment out of humiliating and painful challenges for her male. She would love seeing him in girly panties, laugh at his “cowboy walk” in a full diaper, and enjoy giving him long, painful spankings. That’s what all the fantasies are about. Some women actually like one or more of those things. Brava! But most, like Mrs. Lion, don’t seem to get any real pleasure out of inflicting these things on their males. But, maybe we are focusing on the wrong st uff.
All this embarrassing and painful activity does have a more subtle value: They underline the power exchange between the partners. And that does turn me on. If I wanted to run around in panties, being told to wear them wouldn’t reinforce Mrs. Lion’s power over me. She would be indulging a kink. If I liked punishment spankings, then getting them would be a reward.
What I was thinking, albeit on a subconscious level, when ordering these things I hate, was that I was providing tools to reinforce our agreed power exchange. I was exposing my vulnerable underbelly to help Mrs. Lion facilitate her conquest. Now that I have to live with the exploitation of these vulnerabilities, there are times I kick myself for being so helpful. However, I do benefit from this; at least in the sense of, “One day you will thank me for this.”
Assignments
As you’ve probably read, Lion is not feeling like himself lately. It’s understandable, but I’m at a loss as to what to do. For example, last night I said I wanted to unlock him. It’s the day after an orgasm so I didn’t expect him to be horny. I certainly didn’t expect him to ask why he should be unlocked. I asked if he wanted to make sure he was aligned to make peeing easier. He checked and said it was fine. So….. what do I do?
I know some readers are thinking I should have said, “Tough crap! I said I’m unlocking you and that’s what’s going to happen. Who’s in charge here anyway? Suck it up.” Well, yes. That is true. I am in charge. Part of being in charge is managing Lion’s well being. I also know a thing or two about being depressed. At its best, you do “just” feel blue. At its worst, darkness and stillness are your friends. It’s pointless to tell someone who’s depressed to snap out of it. Don’t you think they want to feel better? It’s not like they can just decide today will be a happy day.
With Lion, there’s sort of a tightrope to walk. Part of me knows he needs consistency. If I said I was going to unlock him every night then I should unlock him every night. There was, however, the caveat that if there’s an illness or reason we shouldn’t play on any given night, then there was no pressure to do so. Another part of me knows the worst thing I can do is insist he go along with plans just because I said so. I’ve hit points where it was like when we were sick with the flu or plague or whatever we had in March. It was difficult for us to make it to the bathroom or into the kitchen for food. Even moving is difficult when you’re that low. And, yes, I know he’s not that low at the moment. But Lion is usually not depressed at all. Forgive me if it’s hard for me to figure out what to do.
That being said, I gave him two assignments last night. The first is that he has to have frilly panties on when I get home. I don’t care if he puts them on at 3 in the afternoon or if he wiggles into them when he hears me pull in the driveway. They will be on his butt when I first see him. The second is to check out the local community center gym to see if it’s worth joining. It’s very cheap for an old fart like him. And it will get him out of the house and he could potentially meet people. The gym thing doesn’t have to be done today. I’m sure he’d rather wait until I can go with him, but I think it might do him some good to get out of the house. And it’s much more expensive for a younger fart like me to join. It’s really the first time I’ve ever asked him to do something like this. And “it’s for your own good” thing. I’m interested to see how it goes.
Distractions
Sex isn’t on my mind at all right now. Mrs. Lion believes that’s to be expected since I had an orgasm Tuesday. She’s partially right. I am normally not too interested in getting off the day after I come. The thing is that lately, while I get short bursts of sexual interest, most of the time my libido is hiding. Tuesday night when we were snuggling my libido was dormant. I liked the attention I was getting, but I just didn’t feel my erection rising to the occasion. I asked Mrs. Lion to use the Magic Wand. The very intense stimulation it provides can generally overcome reluctance.
It worked. I should be happy about that, but I’m not. Why did I need mechanical assistance? It was, after all, four days since my last orgasm. That’s normally long enough to assure my interest. Not right now. Even though at the moment Mrs. Lion was snuggling with me my libido wasn’t very active, another part of me needed to react to her sexually. I don’t pretend to fully understand this, but I do have an idea what is going on.
My lack of interest is rooted in worry about being out of work. The fact that it took so long to find work last time I didn’t have a job, has scarred me. Even though I’ve been out of work only a couple of weeks, I feel the way I did last time after my unemployment ran out. It’s like I am picking up where I left off in terms of depression and fear.
I don’t want to be distracted by worry. I want to find ways to avoid worry and depression. They are counterproductive and can initiate a self-fulfilling spiral of failure. Tuesday night I knew I needed to get hard. I needed to be edged. I wanted my life to continue as usual.
I need my focus to be razor sharp on finding a new job. I don’t want to be distracted by fear or worry. For me, at least, one of the biggest problems of unemployment is lack of people I can talk with. I’m alone at home with the TV and my computer. Sure, I can read and write, but I can’t converse. I tend to be a loner. I don’t have a social circle beyond my lioness. Neither of us is particularly social. So, I’m alone. I don’t do all that well by myself. When Mrs. Lion is around, I am very happy. When she isn’t, I have too much time to worry.
Tuesday, I really needed to break through this fog. I needed to enjoy the sexual feelings I had earlier in the day. Between my allergies and the difficult day I spent alone, when I finally had the chance, I couldn’t rise to the occasion. Mrs. Lion and the Magic Wand came through. Then, happily, I came. I don’t want sex to become a casualty of life’s little dramas. It’s way too easy for enforced chastity, FLR, and sex to get pushed into the background. I can’t come up with a single reason why these activities truly interfere with handling external issues like unemployment.
No Rules for Me
Lion has rules to follow. I do not. Aside from the obvious rule of not hurting him beyond the parameters of what we’ve agreed to, I am free to do what I want. Or not do what I don’t want. Sometimes that’s scary for Lion. Sometimes it works out quite well for him.
We were snuggling while watching TV and I was playing with his wild weenie. When the show went off, he said he needed to pee. I toyed with the idea of telling him if he left the bed that would be it for the night. I decided that wasn’t really fair. It was a bodily function, after all. I couldn’t expect him to have the reaction I wanted while he had to pee. After he came back, he said he had been horny earlier but wasn’t anymore. He suggested I use his friend – the Magic Wand. He thought that might do the trick. It did.
I edged him a few times with the Magic Wand and then I used my hand to bring him to an orgasm. I know he just had one the other day. So? He gave me his patented “why did you do that?” look and I laughed at him. I asked him if he was arguing about having an orgasm again. He said it just seemed quite soon. He hadn’t expected it. I think that’s part of the appeal of giving him an orgasm. He should never expect one. He should always think this might be the time I go all the way, but he should never expect it. Plus I like the face he makes while he comes and just after. He gets the biggest smile afterwards.
I was debating if I should leave him wild. He certainly wouldn’t be in the mood to masturbate. But then I decided that he doesn’t view being wild the same way I do. I see it as a reward. I trust him enough to leave him to his own devices. He sees being caged as an indication of my control. He wants to feel my control. Leaving him wild, while he does like it occasionally, eliminates that portion of my control over him. Since he’s unemployed at the moment, I think he craves more control rather than less. It’s a constant in his life. When everything else is changing or potentially out of control, having Mr. Weenie safely caged maintains consistency.
