Ethical Submissive
“But I’m not a sub!” you say. “All we do is enforced chastity.” Enforced chastity is a consensual power exchange where the male surrenders sexual control to his keyholder. That surrender is submission. I don’t usually pay much attention at all to labels, but in this case it is important we do. Let me start at the beginning.
In the 1990’s, Janet Hardy, author of The Topping Book, The Bottoming Book and other very helpful works about play and power exchange, coined the term “ethical slut” to describe someone who is sexually free but at the same time protects their partners physically and emotionally. That’s an over simplification, but you get the idea.
The concept of an ethical submissive centers on open and honest communication. That implies a lot. In the case of enforced chastity, it means that when asking someone to be a keyholder, the male discloses his minimum expectations and makes sure that his keyholder understands what he wants. The potential keyholder must know what is expected. Once that information is on the table, negotiations can take place and both people can make informed decisions about going forward.
An ethical submissive pays close attention to how his keyholder is feeling about the power exchange. An ethical top always puts the welfare of the bottom first. Safety and emotional security come before everything else. An ethical submissive has a similar responsibility. He has to be aware of how his keyholder/partner is reacting to his chastity. Is she feeling guilty because he says things that makes her feel she is making him unhappy? Is she feeling overwhelmed by the activities he wants? Believe it or not, some women don’t want sexual attention all the time. The keyholder has to feel free to limit her sexual activity to levels she enjoys.
The first responsibility of an ethical submissive is to do everything necessary to assure his keyholder is happy and fulfilled. While he may be obsessed by his enforced chastity, chances are she doesn’t share that enthusiasm. If she loves him and wants him to be happy, she may try to live up to his expectations and in the process, lose some of herself.
There is a popular misconception about power exchanges. Some people believe that since the dominant partner is in charge, they can control the activities to keep them on a level they like. That’s not often the case. Dominants are people too. Very often they love the person submitting. The dominant wants to please her submissive. That may sound odd, but the truth is that dominating someone is hard work. The reason most people accept it is to please the person they dominate. Well, another reason is that they paid to do it.
My point is that very often the keyholder will do more than she really wants because she knows it makes her submissive happy. It’s up to the ethical submissive to recognize this and to make sure that his keyholder isn’t doing more than she should. The concept of ethical submission is not that the submissive accepts (takes) the actions of the dominant. The ethical submissive is an active partner who protects his keyholder and works to make her happy with the power exchange.
Weenie and the Boys
Some women don’t like penises and balls. They don’t like oral sex. The idea repulses them. Similarly, some men don’t like vaginas and oral sex repulses them too. I always figured if a woman was willing to perform oral sex for a man then he should reciprocate. And vice versa. Fair is fair.
Luckily for Lion, I like Weenie and the Boys. I love the soft skin of my weenie whether it’s hard or not. When it’s hard I like how the head is defined from the shaft. Sometimes it seems like the skin gets so tight it will split when he’s very excited. It’s a little crooked, but I guess most are. I think what I like most of all, aside from the creme filling, is when he starts out soft in my mouth and gets hard as I give him attention.
The boys are fun to massage and squeeze. They remind me of eggs in a baggie. When he’s been under a blanket and they’re warm the skin is very soft and loose. If they’re cold, and just before he comes, they are tighter against his body. They may not be at their best looking but I still love them. My favorite view of them is when Lion bends over and they hang down between his legs. Caged or not, I love that view.
I’m very lucky that Lion loves to give oral sex too. Not that I ask him to since I have no libido, but he’s very good at it. I’m glad we’re compatible in that respect. I’ve heard of people who don’t like to receive oral sex either. What if Lion didn’t want oral sex? Yikes! No good. That would eliminate a large part of my repertoire. It’s my “go to” move. When all else fails, mouth to cock resuscitation usually works wonders on a stubbornly soft weenie.
I also usually kiss the tip of Mr. Weenie before I lock him away again. Just a little kiss goodbye until I see him again. Good thing the boys are nearby to keep him company.
It’s Just Not That Interesting
If you’ve been reading our posts for very long, you know that a female led relationship and/or enforced chastity isn’t 24/7 kink. Both of us have full lives individually and as a couple that have nothing at all to do with our power exchange. Let’s face it, a power dynamic like ours doesn’t change everything about our lives. The changes are significant but don’t take up much of our time to live.
Ok, I have a chastity device locked to my penis all the time; well most of the time. I’m aware of it only when I have to pee. At those times I hate that it is there. I don’t mourn the loss of erections and orgasms day and night. I think about it now and then and at times, wish I could get off. But I still drive my car, do my job, laugh at jokes, and generally enjoy my life; all without sexual use of my cock. Would you seriously expect something else?
FLR is a shift in the power structure of our relationship. In practice, there are few changes in our day-to-day lives. I don’t fume because I have to ask permission to do things I never thought twice about in the past. Sometimes I grumble a bit and feel a twinge of resentment. But most of the time I just do what I am told.
The fact is that sex and authority are not giant parts of our marriage. Both have a place and Mrs. Lion controls what that place is. The largest part of the time, we operate by consensus. My need for sex is greatest when I am naked next to my lioness, especially when she is teasing me. I don’t run around in a constant state of heat. Mrs. Lion isn’t all that interested in dictating every facet of my life. For one thing, she doesn’t have time. For another, it’s just not that interesting.
I wish that guys who dream of enforced chastity would realize that what they want isn’t all the time consuming or complex. If they did, their partners might be more interested in indulging them. BDSM activities are called “scenes”. There are two primary reasons for this: They are negotiated role playing situations. Dominants aren’t depraved sexual sadists. They are people who enjoy providing sensation and receiving gratitude for their services. The other reason is that scenes are not permanent. They span anything from a few minutes to a week or more. But they all have a beginning and an ending.
Enforced chastity and FLR have a beginning, but don’t have a projected end. It’s true that many people who try these things end up stopping at some point. But most hope the power exchanges will continue. I think ours has lasted this long because we both understand the limits to what we do. We discuss (write here many times) things we like and don’t like. We adjust to suit our current situation. That’s why we have no intention of ever stopping.
That’s Life
Just to prove me wrong, Lion was horny last night. Who knows how these things work? We just take advantage of it when it happens.
Since we didn’t play Monday night because of emergency refrigerator repairs, Lion had been locked away since Sunday night. I don’t think he was aligned all that well so he was looking to be unlocked whether we played or not. I figured a little snuggling and some wandering fingers couldn’t hurt. It didn’t. And eventually Lion had to deal with some oral attention.
In the past, oral attention meant orgasm. But I’ve been practicing. I can now torture him within a few seconds of coming and still stop short. He gets all of the benefits except that last little bit. He both loves and hates it. Why can’t we go just that little bit further? Nope. Sorry. Not tonight, dear.
It was really nice to see my weenie standing so tall and proud. And then once he wasn’t, he got a little kiss on the tip and back in the cage he went. This time there was no grumbling from the peanut gallery. I guess Lion was in a better mood last night. I think he was in less pain.
I’m not going to make any plans one way or another about playing or edging. We’re taking it as it comes for now. Actually we usually do it that way. Any time I say I’m going to do this or that, something happens and I wind up not doing it. I’d much rather see how we feel on any given day and go from there. I know Lion likes plans, but then he’s disappointed if things don’t happen the way they were planned. That’s life. No guarantees.
