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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Femdom, Keyholder, Keyholder101, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity, Punishment

Being a keyholder is very much like being a BDSM top; to make the power exchange real, you need to exercise your control over your caged male (bottom). That isn’t as easy as it sounds. Even if your enforced chastity relationship is limited to just controlling your caged male’s sexual releases, you still have a lot of things to figure out.

At the core of enforced chastity is a power exchange. The caged male surrenders control of his sexual pleasure to his keyholder. For the keyholder it means that she now has to work out how often to let him have orgasms and what other sexual activities she will permit him to have. The caged male has surrendered this control because he wants to feel your power as his keyholder. So, it probably won’t work to just set orgasm dates and leave him locked up between them. Some people actually work this way, but most of us want more.

If, like Mrs. Lion and my power exchange, more kinks other than enforced chastity are involved, the need for planning becomes more difficult. At the core of this power exchange is a fantasy that you are trying to fulfill for your caged male. There are lots of variants, but I think it boils down to the fact that your male needs control of his penis taken away. Sounds simple. It’s not.

The problem with having control is the unexpressed need that the person being controlled wants to feel that control. I can’t feel controlled if Mrs. Lion simply orders me to do what I want to do anyway. She has to stop me from getting or doing things I want in order for me to feel her power. She has to make me do things I wouldn’t want to do on my own. What are those things?

The first and most obvious demonstration of power is to not let me orgasm. So, in an enforced chastity relationship, the keyholder requires the male to give up orgasms, even erections, except for when it is allowed. She has to make him wait longer, frequently much longer than he wants before he can get sexual satisfaction. How long to make him wait? Ahh! The first challenge. In my case, I have no idea. Mrs. Lion has been experimenting with various intervals. They have ranged from one day to the current 21-day wait. I’ve looked all over the Internet to see what others say. There is an informal consensus that three to four weeks is the best interval. It’s long enough to send a clear message about who’s in charge, but not so long as to be abusive. In our case, Mrs. Lion has come up with the idea of “bonus” orgasms. On one hand, I like that very much, but on the other hand, it effectively reduces the wait time and potentially dilutes the power message she is sending. Decisions, decisions.

At the bottom of many male fantasies is the idea that his keyholder will train him in some way. Some males see this as “correcting” bad habits: looking at other women, masturbating, being inattentive. They want to be trained to be “better”. It’s obvious to any keyholder that if she has to cage, spank, or otherwise discipline her male to make him do what he should do anyway, she will not be very interested in enforced chastity. In our case, I don’t think Mrs. Lion has ever felt I neglect her or excessively abuse myself. My fantasies never include such “infractions”.

As a top I had this same problem. I wouldn’t go out with a female who didn’t behave as a proper partner. I was never interested in beating good manners, consideration, etc. into her. But she wanted to feel my domination and control. The only solution to that was to invent things she needed to learn or do. These things could be removing her pubic hair, calling me “Sir”, being naked all the time at home, etc. The point of these rules was to allow her to feel that she surrendered control to me.

In my case, as a bottom/caged male, I want to feel the consequences of breaking a rule. Punishment and discipline are things I want. That has nothing to do with enforced chastity, but it is what I have wanted for a long time. This presents Mrs. Lion with a challenge. I work hard to obey the few rules she made for me. I don’t want to be willfully disobedient, but I do want to be punished. She has made it perfectly clear that she doesn’t want me to willfully break those rules. Maybe we need some others, or some orders/instructions that will require her to correct me. The idea is that I don’t want to challenge her authority by willfully disobeying, but I do want her to find reasons to discipline me. What’s a lioness to do?

In the enforced chastity universe this same thing comes up.What should you as a keyholder do between scheduled orgasms? Do you do as Mrs. Lion and provide non-orgasmic sexual stimulation on a regular basis? Do you give surprise orgasms? Do you find other things to do? What about discipline? Even in a pure enforced chastity relationship, there will be times when you, as keyholder, will be displeased. Will you add days to his wait time? Will you spank? Will you take away something he likes? Make him sit in a corner, wash his mouth out with soap? Decisions decisions!

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In: Advice for a new keyholder, Advice to caged males, Keyholder101, Lion's Journal, Male Chastity, Punishment

Mrs. Lion has said that when I make suggestions it makes her think she is failing as my keyholder. We discussed that and I think she understands that I am, by nature, an experimenter and that my suggestions are just my attempt to see how something different might feel. That conversation got me thinking about the keyholder experience in broader terms.

Mrs. Lion agreed to be a keyholder to make me happy. She knows that I have that particular kink (among others) of wanting her to control me sexually and being locked up in a chastity device helps me feel her control. So she locked me up. Since then we have been feeling our way through building a long-term chastity lifestyle. Since her purpose was to make me happy, she measures her success by how happy I am with her performance as my keyholder.

The problem with this measure of success is how to define “making me happy”. This is a problem I had when I was a practicing top. My role was to control and discipline the bottom. In a session that lasted an evening, it was easy to get feedback when the scene was done. That feedback provided me with a measure of my success. However, when I was in a 24/7 top role, it was very hard to know how well I was doing.

Since part of Mrs. Lion’s role as keyholder is to make me wait for my orgasms, and waiting makes me grumpy and sometimes unhappy, how does she know she is successful? More importantly, what can she use to get satisfaction for a job well done?

One way, of course, is to ask me how she is doing. She finds asking that kind of question very difficult. I can and do tell her frequently that I am very happy she is my keyholder. I thank her for her work to indulge my kink. I am sure this helps. But it isn’t easy to remember to do this enough. For me it means stepping out of my caged male role to thank her for doing things to me that I don’t like. For her, there is the obvious contrast between my thanks and the grumpiness and expressions of pain and discomfort I give when she spanks me or does other things that obviously hurt me.

In the BDSM world it is considered good manners to thank the top each time he or she inflicts pain or other sensation. These thanks, while ritual, do provide positive feedback that helps give satisfaction to the top. It’s more difficult in enforced chastity. For one thing, it goes on continuously. I am locked up full time. When I finally get my orgasms, there is always the knowledge that I will have to wait a long time for the next one. There is no logical start or finish to our activities.

So what is Mrs. Lion to do in order to measure her success? The standard answer is that she should enjoy the extra sexual satisfaction she gets as a result of locking me up. I don’t think that makes a bit of sense. As her mate, I should have always given her all the sexual satisfaction she wants. She shouldn’t have to force me to do this by sexual domination. So, that won’t fly. No way!

Mrs. Lion tends toward inaction. It’s her nature. Even if some activity is very satisfying she still won’t actively pursue it. She needs a better reason than her own pleasure to be active. Pleasing me is a strong motivator for her. I’m grateful for that. But in order for that motivation to work, she has to know that she is actually pleasing me. Giving me orgasms is to both of us, a clear message she is pleasing me. But now we are engaged in an activity where not giving me orgasms is the main idea. I think she has alluded to this in many of her previous posts. She says that she loves giving me orgasms. If we look at the flip side of that statement, it means that she doesn’t love not giving me orgasms. Our enforced chastity has removed one of her primary motivators to do things sexual with me.

Similarly, some of the things I want her to do (that may have nothing to do with chastity) like spanking me and disciplining me, obviously make me unhappy. So now we live in a topsy-turvy world where it is good to deprive me of sexual satisfaction and good to inflict some physical pain. Intellectually she knows that this is exactly what I want and her doing all this makes me a happy and contented male. But it is very difficult for her to get satisfaction out of doing these things.

I have a few ideas that might help. They may allow her to find satisfaction in the same things that actually make me happy. Admittedly, these ideas involve an intellectual process instead of an emotional one, but they may give her a concrete way to gauge how well she is doing.

  • Keep track of what you have done. Count and make notes about each teasing session. How many times did you bring me to the edge? If you wanted to, did you ruin an orgasm? If you had an accidental ruined orgasm, how many times did you edge me before it happened? This will let you see your progress over time. Record each of my wait times. Note how you have increased my waits. Note my behavior changes and how you managed them. I know that you already understand them, but by taking notes you can later see how you have improved your control.
  • Track how you have managed me outside of sexual satisfaction. Each time you note an infraction, record how you handled it. You could use your Naughty Lion coupons for this. Even if you choose not to punish, by tracking infractions you measure how your ability to manage me is going. You can also note each rule you decide to enforce. Again, since you know that this is something that makes me happy.
  • Track punishments, fun or real. Since you know I love to hate punishments, noting when and what you do can let you measure how you have grown in that area.

I realize that tracking things is extra work, but with the computer tools we have, it is pretty simple. My point is not to tell Mrs. Lion what to do. It’s to offer ways to measure success. What do you think, Mrs. Lion?

By:
In: Keyholder, Male Chastity, Male Control (training), Mrs Lion Comments, Punishment

Yesterday I was waiting for Lion to contact me prior to noon. The thought occurred to me that he may try to test me, but I didn’t really think that was a possibility. He’s a good boy. At 10:49 am he sent an email. It said, in part, that he was tempted not to send a message so that he could be punished. Hmm…. Maybe he’s not such a good boy after all. He asked what I would have done if he hadn’t written. My thought was that if I told him ahead of time he may weigh the consequences and decide if it was worth it to purposely disobey me. If he knows there will be four hard swats and he hasn’t been swatted in a while he may decide that the attention of the swats is worth misbehaving for. Not that he’d do that, but I didn’t think he be tempted not to send a message just to see what the punishment would be. He said he was more interested in what I planned to do and maybe get a demonstration.

Unfortunately for Lion, I don’t have an answer. The most I can say is that I need to hear the reason why he broke the rule. If he truly was swamped at work and didn’t have time to catch his breath between meetings, then I would give him a few swats. It wasn’t necessarily his fault but rules must be enforced. If he just decided not to contact me because he wanted to be punished, then I would add a day or two to his wait time, or I would ignore him on a day I would normally play with him. I don’t think it would be fair to have one punishment for it.

The punishment should fit the crime. If he simply forgets, then my job is to help him remember. A few swats should do it unless it becomes a chronic problem. If he does it on purpose, then it’s my job to make sure he realizes this is not a game. Willful disobedience will not be tolerated. And this is true for all rules. If I get the slightest inkling he is dropping food on purpose, the punishment will be more severe. I do have some nasty, nasty paddles at my disposal and I’m not afraid to use them. And if those paddles don’t deter him, I have my eye on one that may be more effective. Of course, ignoring him will be his most hated punishment and I will use it as I see fit.

Notice has now been served. Lion wanted to feel my power. He may get more than he bargained for.

[Lion — Wow! This is exactly what I hoped would happen. Mrs. Lion is right. I don’t willfully disobey, at least so far.]

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In: Keyholder, Keyholder101, Mrs Lion Comments, Punishment

Lion had a fairly anticlimactic climax last night. I asked him if it was because he’s received two bonus orgasms within this waiting period. He said he thinks it’s stress. I can certainly understand that. We have stress coming out of our ears lately. I was wondering if withholding orgasms would add to his tension. To me, having that outlet would make sense. But then I was thinking that staying the course and doing what makes him happy (even if it doesn’t really give him pleasure in the traditional sense) is probably better.

Before we went to sleep last night, he asked if I was really going to make him wait twenty-one days for his next orgasm. I told him it could be worse. It could be a full month. I think I made him very nervous with yesterday’s announcement that I could punish him by eliminating a play session. Poor Lion. Yes, my pet, the wait time is twenty-one days. That will match his record wait of earlier in the summer. Now I get to set the rules.

The love coupons are in play. With Lion’s gift of a perpetual calendar, keeping track of days will be easier so adding or subtracting days should not be a problem anymore. If I do impose extra day(s), I will do so with a Naughty Lion coupon and I will decide how many days are added based on the infraction. He will be able to use his coupon to move up the date, but he needs to be careful. He has two coupons. I have an unlimited supply of Naughty Lion coupons. I would never add a day simply to counteract his coupon, but he does have a limited supply. He should choose wisely. If he uses one of his bonus orgasm coupons, the clock starts over. If I give him a bonus orgasm, the clock does not start over. In that respect he’s lucky I have an unlimited supply of coupons. He can use his wild Lion coupon any time, but if I see him doing something inappropriate while he’s wild I will punish him for it. What’s inappropriate? If I feel he’s touching himself too much especially if he’s hard, for example. Unfortunately for him, it’s at my discretion. I will play with Lion at least every other day, unless he earns a punishment. If any questions arise we will discuss them and I will decide what action to take.

Depending on how things go, Lion may be waiting a month anyway. We’ll see if he can earn days off as quickly and easily as he can earn added days. Poor thing. I can hear him grumbling already.