Yesterday, Lion said I should start taking my anxiety medication again. He said it’s not worth having me suffer. I decided to ride it out. I’m not sure if I’m closer to being “clean” or if I still have a significant amount of it in me. By the time I got to work this morning, I was ready to tap out. I don’t know how to describe it other than saying that my brain and body are very angry with me right now. I want to cry at stupid stuff. I want to punch people in the face over stupid stuff. If there was a guarantee that being off the medication would restore my libido, I’d consider sucking it up until I was clean. So far I’ve seen no indication that my sex drive is returning. Of course, it’s only been a week since the last dose. However, it’s been one of the longest weeks of my life.

Before I left work, I sent a message to my doctor asking to restart the prescription. I guess you could say I failed. I say I’ve taken appropriate measures so I don’t wind up punching someone in the face over stupid stuff or trying to open the airplane door at 30,000 feet when I head for my son’s wedding. A grateful plane full of people thanks me.

Ironically, while I was driving to work this morning, I was thinking if I have the urge to punch people in the face, perhaps that would be the catalyst to make me punish Lion for pissing me off. The problem with that is I’ve always told him I don’t want to punish his while I’m angry because I might let my anger get away from me. I certainly don’t want to let anxiety-ridden me load up a paddle and start swinging. I could potentially go too far. I know Lion’s a big boy, but I don’t want to take any chances.

Another problem with anxiety-ridden me is she likes to eat a lot. I’ve gained about six pounds in the past week. That’s a horrible thing. But the worst part is that it has had detrimental effects on my relationship with Lion. I’m not talking about the communication issues lately, although it probably isn’t helping that either. I’ve been so distracted by ringing ears, pain and general “aaargh” that I haven’t been paying much attention to him. The few times I’ve tried in the past week or so, I’ve had to stop because I’m uncomfortable. He doesn’t want me suffering. I don’t want him suffering. It’s better to take the drug.

I don’t expect an aha moment as soon as I swallow it, but I hope things will be back to normal in a week or so. Just the fact that I know it’s there might go a long way.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been tired and achy, especially in the afternoon. I’ve had almost nonstop sinus pressure. Part of me wonders if it’s my body adjusting to coming off of the anxiety drug, and part of me wonders if it’s all in my head. I was home all day Thursday, so I can’t blame the afternoon blech on the difference between home environment and work environment. It’s not even just the sinus headache, tiredness, and achiness. For some reason, whatever I eat feels like a brick in my stomach. It seems okay when I eat and turns to a brick afterward. Even the salad we ate last night did it. I’m a mess.

The worst part about being a mess is that it takes time and energy away from Lion. Thursday night, I was able to suck him for a while before he said he wasn’t getting anywhere. I didn’t feel so bad that night. Last night was a different story. If right now is any indication, tonight doesn’t look very good either. I had to lift our portly golden retriever into the car so that she could get a bath. I’ll likely have to lift her in when we pick her up. Neither shoulder is happy about it. I can take some Tylenol later, and that may help the achiness. It has worked before. Maybe I’ll take some with dinner so it will be working by the time we’re ready to go.

Lion is wondering about new rules or even enforcement of the rules already in place. Indeed, I haven’t been enforcing the interrupting or know-it-all issues. I consider his steamrolling a form of know-it-all-ism. He knew the best way to schedule our flights for our trip. He knew the best day to go and return. He knew the best hotel to use. And then he complained when it was so expensive. I went on Expedia and found it cheaper, but he doesn’t trust sites like that. Know-it-all lion.

I don’t want to expend the energy to punish him for those things because I’ve been so tired and achy lately. I need to pick my battles. Why do I say “whatever” when we start to disagree? It’s just not worth it. Unless I have a very strong opinion on a subject, I let it go. At the most, I growl at Lion. He was short with a pharmacy tech a little while ago. I told him to relax. He even complained to the pharmacist about her, and the pharmacist defended her. Beyond that, I didn’t say anything. Maybe I need to find a phrase that I can use in public to let him know he’s getting close to a growl or punishment. It could be as simple as asking him if he’s sure he wants to go there. That’s innocent-sounding enough not to raise any eyebrows. On the other hand, maybe he needs to be shamed in public. I’ll have to think of what that might be.

Maybe Lion has some suggestions. He’s pretty good at coming up with ideas he’ll hate in the long run.

[Lion — I know that Mrs. Lion uses spanking for punishment. Maybe at times, she needs to postpone the punishment, she can just let me know. I think a sort of appetizer punishment like mouth soaping is a way to respond immediately until she is ready to spank me. I agree that it’s important to let me know that trouble is coming. I think the key is that regardless of how she chooses to communicate it, she needs to respond every time she “catches” me. Otherwise, she will never form the disciplinary habits we both want.]

Lion and I managed to get the COVID-19 vaccinations. We’re lucky we did because now the vaccine is in even shorter supply. We heard that the side effects after the second shot were worse than after the first. So far, we only feel a little achy and tired. I don’t think either of us has a fever, although I’ve been a little colder than normal. I guess we lucked out.

We were going to Costco today after I’m done with work, but I’m not sure we’ll make it. I think we might just hunker down and snuggle in bed. I’ve got homemade chicken soup defrosting for dinner. Lion says chicken soup is a cure-all. I just think it’s something to eat that I don’t have to put a lot of effort into. I’m sure the snuggling will be a  better cure for me.

Lion talked to his doctor about his inability to orgasm. IThe first step is blood tests, so as soon as we can make the trip to Costco we’ll stop for his blood tests. I guess it’s not likely there will be an easy answer. I’m still hoping he can just take a prescription and every thing will be hunky dory. My fingers are crossed. I don’t miss sex because I don’t want it. If I wanted it but couldn’t have it, I think it would drive me crazy. I think the same is true of Lion.

HThat said, there’s no way I’m giving up until I have concrete proof there’s nothing we can do about it. Aside from tonight, if we both still feel yucky, we’ll go back to trying for an orgasm every night. No, not an orgasm every night. I don’t want to scare Lion. We’ll try every night for an orgasm. Once I get one out of him, I hope things will return to normal. Then I can take one whenever I want.

It’s been a weird week. Things were naturally busy after a shortened Thanksgiving week. Then yesterday, I couldn’t log in remotely. In truth, we all log in remotely to our cloud server in the sky. It’s that cumulonimbus floating by right now. See it? I don’t have many details, but it sounds like somewhere along the way, we were hacked. I don’t think it was us specifically. I think it was one of the programs between us and that puffy white void. Apparently, it’s ransomware. There’s no real estimate of when we’ll be up and running again. And then we’ll have to notify our clients that their personal information may have been compromised.

I was sort of lounging around today, playing games and not really paying attention to much. We ate lunch and Lion asked if I’d written a post. Nope. Not yet. I went back to my desk and forgot all about a post. Lion is writing his for tomorrow morning so I thought I’d write my own. I don’t have much to say. We didn’t do anything last night. I was achy and tired. And cranky. But the crankiness might be due to the achy and tired part. Or maybe not.

I take a serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. I asked for something for anxiety many years ago and, as it happens, this drug also helps with pain. Unfortunately, that class of drugs also messes with libido. I had no idea. When I went to the doctor, she said it’s the likely culprit. However, I can’t just stop taking the drug. Aside from the fact that you have to taper off, I still need it for pain and anxiety. The compromise we came to was to add in a non-serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor and back off from the evil one. The additional drug does not help with pain. And don’t I know it.

My nieces have asthma. When they were younger, they had to be rushed to the hospital a lot for severe asthma attacks. On TV, they always tell people having an asthma attack to calm down. I’ve always thought that was impossible. If I can’t breathe, I’m going to panic. And if I panic, I’m not going to be able to breathe. I feel the same way with this drug change. Am I anxious because I’m in pain or in pain because I’m anxious? Do I just need to get used to the new dosage or does my body need the higher dosage.

To be clear, the pain is not debilitating. It’s not constant. It’s insidious. It’s always there, waiting for me to screw up. Oh, see? You moved wrong. Pain. Did you really think you could mow the lawn without feeling like you’ve been run over? Nope. Sorry, but thanks for playing our game.

Ironically, exercise can help. It also causes pain. I keep thinking I can start walking to get some exercise and then we go to Costco and I’m wiped out. Sometimes, and this sounds weird to say, I’d like to trade for big pain. You know, just to change it up. The big pain, like a broken leg, would eventually stop. The nagging pain doesn’t.

Okay. So that’s my story for today, boys and girls. Tune in tomorrow for another exciting read.