There is a lot of mythology around semen. Of course, it does have the amazing ability to fertilize an egg which then becomes a baby. That doesn’t seem to be what people who attribute power to this fluid are thinking about. Some think that male essence is contained in semen and that every drop that is lost reduces male life force. Some males who believe this actually consume every drop of semen they ejaculate. They believe that ingesting it returns the male essence to them.

Some Eastern religions practice semen retention. Sex for them is what Mrs. Lion and I call edging. They refer to this as Tantric sex. Both male and female partners enjoy sex right up to the edge of orgasm. Then they stop. It is believed that orgasm drains Lifeforce. At least in the Tantric model, both sexes bear equal responsibility for Lifeforce draining.

Some female bloggers distort these principles to fit a slightly different model. They like to claim that male orgasm control is required because ejaculation is harmful not only to the male, but also to his relationship with his partner. It’s a rather odd rationalization. I think part of the basis for this can be attributed to some behavioral changes during the male refractory period. There’s a completely natural loss of interest in sex for some time after ejaculation. Females, on the other hand, are generally ready to come again immediately after orgasm.

The rationalization is that the short-term emotional changes in a male after ejaculation are evidence that he loses something important every time semen is emitted. Therefore, they reason, the healthy male will have limited numbers of ejaculations, thereby minimizing the negative effects of losing semen cause. The women who espouse this kind of thinking recognize that they won’t convince their partners to go along with this unless they get something out of it other than frustration.

Since we know that almost every male orgasm control/male chastity situation is initiated by the male, this female rationalization about supporting male health through limiting ejaculation almost certainly comes after the male suggests the chastity game. This is interesting. The sequence of events begins with the male asking his partner to limit his orgasms. He is doing this because he finds the idea of surrendering sexual control very exciting.

If most women are like Mrs. Lion, when they agree to go along with it they do so because they want to make their partners happy. It seems to be a harmless, sexual game. Indeed it is. At this point there is nothing in it for the female partner. Despite the male fantasies about giving her endless altruistic orgasms, the reality is that she has to do a little extra work sustaining orgasm control for him. Mrs. Lion has been doing this for me for over seven years. It’s become a part of our life and we both enjoy it.

Would it be a more positive experience for the female if she believed that controlling her partner’s ejaculations improved their relationship and his emotional health? Now, she has strong motivation to assure that he only gets to ejaculate infrequently. Her job is to support their relationship by making sure she retains sexual control.

Even though a number of bloggers occasionally proclaim the value of this sexual therapy, reality is that no one has demonstrated any harm in a male ejaculating as often as he wants. At worst, he may be a little tired. There is some merit in sexual control. Some men masturbate frequently using porn as fodder for their sexual arousal. These males will almost certainly be less focused on real sex with their partners. Orgasm control using a chastity device can refocus them on their partners and away from jerking off. Sadly, it’s unlikely that most of these guys will be interested in male chastity.

The point is that orgasm control and male chastity is a sexual game. That doesn’t mean it can’t have great value for a relationship. It’s done wonders for ours. The benefit didn’t come from curtailing excessive semen flow. It came from building a new kind of sexual communication that restored something Mrs. Lion and I had lost. Nevertheless, even after seven years of playing, it’s still a game. It just happens to be one we don’t plan to ever stop playing.

There is a very big difference between the way men and women think about sex. One reason a blog like ours is mostly read by men is that it focuses on “the action”. We write about the things we do in our particular sexual practices. I don’t believe that women focus so narrowly on such things. Of course, at the end of the story for either sex, we find a climatic happy ending. That part is the most interesting for us guys. Getting there is more interesting to women.

Almost all male sex bloggers are irresistibly drawn to posting pictures of their genitals. Chastity bloggers like to show their penises locked into various devices. I’ve certainly been guilty of this. We also like to show you our unadorned penises as well. I know that when I do that, I’m not thinking that this view will arouse our female readers. I don’t think it will arouse our male readers either, for that matter. It arouses me. I’ll bet that this is true of our other male bloggers as well. There is a kind of delicious embarrassment about revealing our weenies. At some level, it must hark back to the “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours” childhood experiences.

Based on what I’ve read, some women see penis pictures as threatening. Does that mean they consider an erect penis a weapon? I certainly hope not. Most typically, I suspect that seeing a stranger’s genitals evokes a feeling of faint disgust. It’s not the appearance of the particular penis. It’s more a sense of, “Why would he think I want to see that?”

This sense of inappropriateness is a significant hint at the biggest difference between men and women when it comes to sex: It would be rare for a man to feel that a picture of a woman’s genitals would be inappropriate. We like seeing them. I know that when I see a picture of a naked woman on Twitter, it’s nice to get a look at an attractive body. I like the way vaginas look. It doesn’t mean I want to have sex with its owner. It just means that it’s hot to see.

Put another way, women are more interested in the owner of the penis than men are interested in the possessor of the vagina. Nature has programmed us to penetrate receptive females. Of course, society has trained us to limit these impulses to our partners. Our primary sexual focus is on getting the deed done.

This explains why some of us want orgasm control and enforced male chastity. We are turned on by the fact that a woman is interested enough in our achieving orgasm that she will tease us by forcing us to lose the ability to get off even when we are extremely aroused. That’s hot! I would be very surprised if many women understood exactly how exciting this is.

Because we males are focused on the process of achieving orgasm, we generally make the mistake that the way we can incentivize our partners to lock us up and make us wait for our orgasms is to offer them more orgasms for themselves. This is the sort of reward we would want if the tables were turned. This “reward” makes absolutely no sense to most women. After all, if they are your sexual partners, they already have the ability to get as many orgasms as they want from you. Right?

Underneath this is the fact that we men consider sex transactional. We believe that if we get an orgasm we should give an orgasm. We are sure that there is a relationship between giving and getting sexual satisfaction. Do our partners really think this way? I don’t think so. I believe that women generally consider giving orgasms to their partners as an expression of love. I assume they also believe that receiving them means the same thing. It’s not a transaction.

The reality is that orgasm control and male chastity is a game. I think that most women would be willing to play once they understood that the practice is for fun. It’s something the male partner wants. He also likes to pretend that he doesn’t want it and is being forced to wait for his orgasms. This is the kind of “No means yes” play that permeates BDSM. If a guy is mature enough to explain this to his partner, chances are very good she will be willing to play.

Need I say more?

I think that the reason it’s often difficult to convince someone to do kinky stuff with you is that they don’t understand the real reason you want it. Let me explain. One of the more difficult conversations a guy can have is when he asks his partner to lock him into a chastity device. Obviously, that’s a pretty odd request. A logical question he might get is “why?”

This is where the fun begins. After some stammering, he might explain that by locking him up she would get much more attention from him. He would be focused on getting her off and not himself. He might point out that being locked up prevents him from getting sexual pleasure until she unlocks him. That makes her boss of his penis.

It isn’t too surprising that most women aren’t ecstatic when they hear this. I don’t think it’s likely that they fantasize about physically owning a man’s genitalia. What do you want for Christmas, dear? I want to own a penis! Not too likely. Being a male, I like owning a penis. Well, more accurately, I like someone else enjoying it.

The simple truth is that all the blather about delivering more female orgasms, doing the housework, etc., etc. are manifestations of a much more basic need. It’s exciting to imagine that someone is so interested in your sex life that she will actively take charge of your pleasure. I have thought long and hard about why I want this. Something deep down inside me gets extremely aroused at the thought of losing all control of my own sexual pleasure. That’s the real game underneath all that other stuff. Wearing a chastity device is physical proof that control has been surrendered.

Regardless of whether it goes on for a few hours or many years, that’s what the game is about. I wonder if it wouldn’t be far easier to sell if instead of talking about all the supposed benefits of taking over penis control, you simply said, “It’s really exciting for me to lose control of my sexual pleasure. I trust you, I love you and would like you to decide when I get to ejaculate.”

That’s the heart and soul of male chastity. The hardware is part of the game. It’s penis bondage. Once your partner understands sexual control, it’s not very hard to tell her about the fantasy you might have about wearing one of these devices.

It’s really an easy sell. Mrs. Lion felt fine about accommodating my rather odd desire for her to control my orgasms. She already knew I liked being tied up and immediately connected wearing a chastity device with my bondage fetish. We both understood the game was all about me. It had nothing to do with improving her sex life, getting a cleaner house, or anything else. It is something that turns me on. She loves me and didn’t see any problem accommodating this request.

The same is true of other fetish activities. If you like wearing women’s underwear and want your wife to dress you in them, the most reasonable way to approach it is to tell her it arouses you to do this. I am sometimes put in a pair of panties. Mrs. Lion knows I don’t particularly like women’s underwear; on me, that is. She knows that it’s humiliating and I like that feeling. Wearing a silly pair of panties under my jeans offers the remote-but-still-possible chance someone will see them. That would be humiliating. Oh boy!

I don’t claim that I’m wanting her to make me wear them because it makes her more powerful. The point here and everywhere else is that when it comes to power exchanges, it’s really important to think about them realistically. Sure, once the game is going, your partner may be very willing to act out the fantasy. She’s far more likely to do that if she understands the real motivation behind it.

As we’ve discovered, once a practice, in our situation male chastity and orgasm control, becomes embedded in the relationship, things change. They generally change in a positive way. If after doing some of these things for a while, your partner continues and is happy doing it, chances are very good it just will become part of your life. Orgasm control is something we no longer even think about. Mrs. Lion knows that she is the only source of sexual pleasure for me and she knows I like that. She enjoys frustrating me because I like her doing it.

The reasons are less important now. We just enjoy the activities. We both practice lifestyle male chastity. We both really like it. I don’t think we would’ve ever gotten started if I presented the fantasy instead of the naked truth about what I want.

I noticed that people on the Internet are obsessed with the need to create labels and definitions for everything. In its earliest infancy, online newsgroups fretted for months on end to come up with a label that would describe a female dominant person. People felt that the word “Dom” referred to a male. They also rejected dominatrix in the same general sense that people lately reject the word actress. Apparently assigning gender to nouns can denote lesser or greater status. I must be missing something. Is a lioness inferior to a lion? Obviously not!

The origin of “male chastity device” comes from the hardware. Before all the emotional and sexual baggage was loaded onto it, chastity devices were nothing more than objects designed to prevent men from masturbating. I’m sure this derived from the older term “chastity belt” the origins of that are lost in the mists of time. For the record, there were no female chastity belts during the Crusades. The first known chastity devices originated in Victorian times when it was believed that mental illness and feeblemindedness in men were both attributable to male masturbation. Chastity devices were created to keep boys and men from spilling their seed.

Up until quite recently, chastity devices of the male variety, of course, had nothing to do with orgasm denial. Their application was self-imposed. Obviously, wearing a chastity device makes having an orgasm problematic. It’s certainly possible to accomplish with sufficient effort, but it is a lot of work. In all the years I’ve been reading and writing about male chastity, I’ve yet to see anyone claim its use is to prevent a male from having sex with anyone other than his keyholder.

I know that the reason I enjoy wearing a chastity device is that I like the loss of sexual control it provides. It’s a unique form of bondage that turns me on. From the very start, wearing a chastity device didn’t mean that I wouldn’t get opportunities to ejaculate. Mrs. Lion likes making me come. She has no problem unlocking me quite frequently for the express purpose of making me produce semen. I have no problem with it because my love of male chastity is based on the fact that I lose the ability to decide when I get a chance to ejaculate. I don’t interpret frequent opportunities as loss of control for my keyholder. I get to come when she decides she wants me to. The chastity device, while not strictly necessary, helps reinforce her position.

I suppose it was inevitable that men would associate being locked in a chastity device with orgasm denial. After all, one could reason that if the penis is safely locked in a flaccid state, achieving orgasm ranges from impossible to very difficult. However, there is some faulty logic at work. The assumption is that if the penis is wild the owner can have orgasms anytime he wants. If it’s locked in a chastity device only the person with the key gets to decide when or if he gets to come. I don’t think that the vast majority of people who practice male orgasm denial use chastity devices to enforce it. Mrs. Lion practices orgasm control with me and doesn’t feel any need at all to lock my penis in a chastity device to enforce her control. Over the years, I’ve known lots of people who practice orgasm denial and control. None of them used hardware to enforce it.

In fact, without ever discussing it, I think Mrs. Lion believed she was the sole source of my ejaculations for many years before we even talked about locking me into a chastity device. She was genuinely surprised when she learned that I masturbated on my own when I was horny. She thought that she was the only source of ejaculation I had. That was naïve of her, I suppose. As soon as she learned about my secret masturbation, she put an immediate end to it.

I suppose it’s necessary to start looking at terminology. Let’s start with the easiest term: orgasm denial. It’s commonly believed that this is a practice where one person by force of will or hardware, denies another sexual release. Does that mean someone being denied orgasms can never have one?

In the dubious tradition of Internet terminology creation, let me suggest that there are really two different terms needed to cover what is now “orgasm denial”. I would suggest that if you practice orgasm denial, it means that while you are practicing it one person is denied having any orgasms. If Mrs. Lion practices orgasm denial with me, it means that I never have an opportunity to ejaculate so long as she is practicing it. The second term is “orgasm control”. Mrs. Lion practices orgasm control with me. That means I don’t get to decide when I am permitted to ejaculate. She and she alone determines when I can do that.

I think these two terms are unambiguous and mutually exclusive. Both apply equally well to men who are wearing or not wearing chastity devices. I would suggest that the term “male chastity” be retired. It doesn’t have a clear meaning. Instead, I suggest that we refer to the actual use of a device. For example, I may be locked in a chastity device and Mrs. Lion is practicing orgasm control with me. It’s a little more verbose, but it does correctly describe what we are doing.

I think Tom Allen’s hard work trying to develop a two-dimensional matrix supporting physically locking a penis in a chastity device on one axis and frequency of ejaculation on another, offers some insight as to the “chastity orthodoxy” of any given male. I don’t think it helps resolve any sort of thought about hardware/orgasm control spectrum definitions. Based on my own experience, a chastity device is something I like to wear. It’s completely unnecessary to support Mrs. Lion’s control of my sexuality. I’m trained to only let her bring me to orgasm and ejaculation. It’s not something I can do for myself anymore.

I know that there are men who stay locked in a chastity device full-time. Their keyholders allow them to get themselves off now and then without removing the device. It makes ejaculation a physical challenge as well as a treat.

There’s a third dimension when considering orgasm control and male chastity devices. Some keyholders use orgasm control, enforced by the chastity device as a form of discipline. Orgasms are withheld as a way of correcting behaviors. Chastity fantasies abound with this scenario. I’m not aware of any couples who practice this, but I am sure they are out there. Mrs. Lion has always kept sex separate from discipline. If I need correcting, she will spank me or impose some other non-sexual punishment. On occasions when I have been spanked, it isn’t uncommon for her to give me an orgasm as well in the same evening. The orgasm has nothing to do with my offense or punishment. It’s just a coincidence they occurred on the same night.

The reason I think we should consider disciplinary chastity (How do you like that term?) separately from orgasm denial/ that the chastity device becomes an instrument of disciplinary enforcement. It’s locked on as a way to assure compliance with the sentence of abstinence. This is certainly a valid application of sexual control and wearing a chastity device. I think it’s probably the rarest use of these things.

Because wearing a chastity device also implies surrendering sexual control, we often conflate the two. It’s convenient to think this way. That doesn’t mean it’s correct. We know that every wearable chastity device can be escaped. We also know that it’s possible to ejaculate without an erection and while wearing a device. At best, the device makes cheating more inconvenient. I wear a chastity device because I like feeling that my penis is under physical control. I would never attempt to escape a device. I wouldn’t try to get myself off while wearing one. I like bondage.

Mrs. Lion used my voluntary compliance with being locked into a chastity device as a training aid to teach me never to masturbate. I am well-trained and won’t jerk off. I’m not sure if I would be 100% compliant had I not been locked in a chastity device for several years. During those years, my penis was freed only under the direct supervision of Mrs. Lion. Even then, she, and only she could get me off. She has never permitted me to jerk off even under her supervision. She is my only source of sex. We aren’t practicing orgasm denial; she gives me orgasms on a regular basis. We are practicing orgasm control. I never get to have an orgasm that she doesn’t provide. All of this is completely independent of whether or not I’m locked into a chastity device.

It seems reasonable to me that we consider replacing the term “male chastity” with three, more descriptive terms. Orgasm denial and orgasm control refer to the external imposition of sexual power. Orgasm denial means that the male being denied does not get any chance to ejaculate. Orgasm control means that the male is allowed orgasms only with express permission of his partner who is exercising the control. Chastity discipline refers to the use of a chastity device to forcibly prevent ejaculation as a way of punishing an offense.

There is generally no need to refer to some sort of state defined as a male wearing a chastity device. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It’s about as notable as creating a term to define whether or not I’m wearing a bowtie. The male chastity device is sexual hardware. It’s reasonable to talk about but doesn’t need a specific term to refer to a person who wears it.

I’m sure this will spur all sorts of debate. Terminology conversations always do. Isn’t it fun being a kinkster?