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In: ED
fortune cookie

On Tuesday night I tried another Edex injection. It produced a good erection that also felt very nice. We snuggled while Mrs. Lion played with it. I enjoyed the sensation, but I didn’t feel arousal growing. That’s the weird thing about injection-created boners: the sensation of arousal doesn’t synch up with the erection. Still, the fondling was nice.

After a few minutes, Mrs. Lion asked me if I wanted a blow job. What man ever said no to that request? I got into position, and Mrs. Lion went to work. I felt myself getting more and more aroused. I waited for the good sensations to stop the way they’ve been doing over the last few months. They didn’t. I was getting more and more aroused. It took a while, but I had a wonderful orgasm. To add whipped cream to the sundae, Mrs. Lion got a nice ejaculation as a reward for her efforts. I was amazed that I could have an orgasm only six days after the one before.

We talked about it and agreed that something in the Trimix and Quadmix injections was to blame. Edex, which is pure alprostadil, is the primary ingredient in all boner injections. Trimix contains other drugs to enhance the effect of alprostadil. The Edex did the job, and I had an orgasm. Ta-da!

i’m not my penis

KDPierre commented on my post, “Just The Two Of Us Again,” that his ED caused him a lot of negative feelings tied in with his loss of ability to have sex with his partner. (Forgive me if I simplified your thought) I can understand that. For some reason, I’ve never tied my identity to my ability to fuck or my career. I can’t explain it, but it never occurred to me that my identity has anything to do with external stuff.

As a result of this, I’ve had several different careers with varying degrees of success. When I started losing my ability to get hard, I treated it as a problem to solve. The problem, as I saw it, was that I wanted to ejaculate, and I couldn’t. It didn’t occur to me that Mrs. Lion would think less of me because I couldn’t get a boner. I have great confidence in my ability to use my tongue to satisfy a woman.

The point is that who I am is unrelated to how hard my cock gets or how well I perform my job. I want to be the best at what I do. I take great pride in my work. Right now I’m trying to be a successful writer. That’s not going very well. I don’t think it means that I’m not a good person. It just means I need to figure out how to sell my writing. I like my work. Mrs. Lion likes it. Other people who have read my manuscripts think I am good. I just need to find an agent willing to read the damn book. If I don’t, my self image won’t be crushed. I’ll just keep trying until I get bored and try something else.

It’s like that wonderful fortune cookie said, “The secret to patience is to find something else to do in the meantime.” It’s great advice.

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In: ED

I was almost positive that I had my last orgasm forever in May. You may have read the posts. After a 96-day drought, Mrs. Lion gave me a wonderful oral orgasm. I gave myself an increased dose of Edex1. It produced a very nice erection. It was a little uncomfortable, but not painful or distracting.

One feature of these drug-induced erections seems to be a sort of discomfort that comes when my penis is moved in certain directions. I suspect that is caused by the drug making tissue at the base fuller than it would normally be. Anyway, Mrs. Lion gave me a great blow job, and I rewarded her with a nice amount of semen. We were both happy with the result.

96 days? Is this my new norm? Is the consequence of alprostadil-induced erections? I now know that the Trimix and Quadmix compounded erection drugs are probably too strong for me right now. Both contain alprostadil as an ingredient. My urologist believes the compound drugs perform better. I suppose they do. They are also less expensive than Edex; that’s what I figured initially. It turns out that my insurance covers Edex and a 90-day supply (18 boners) costs less than eighteen shots of Trimix or Quadmix. Edex doesn’t require refrigeration and has a long shelf life. Tri- and Quadmix both must be refrigerated and are no good after about ninety days.

For the record, I discontinued taking the hormone blocker that was supposed to increase my libido. After two weeks, there was no improvement, and I had strong side effects (sleepy for almost two days each time I took a pill). I was willing to put up with the side effects if my libido improved. It didn’t.

I’m very happy that I was finally able to ejaculate. It was a terrific surprise. Mrs. Lion had to work hard to get me to the finish line. Unlike previous attempts, I felt myself getting more and more aroused. There was no fade or plateau. It was wonderful!

After I came, the erection persisted since it was induced and had no real relationship with my arousal. That’s when I was bothered by the discomfort when my penis bent back toward my body. It felt odd. It was also strange to be hard for almost two hours after my erection. Too bad that Mrs. Lion didn’t need its services. I can see the benefits of a two-hour erection. Once Mrs. Lion is more confident of my ability to keep it up, maybe she can find some other things to do with it before going for the gold.

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1 Edex is a brand-name injectable of alprostadil. It is injected into the penis and produces an erection. This drug is expensive. The full retail price for a 6-erection kit is $941. Trimix, a blend of alprostadil and two other helper drugs, costs $145 at a local compounding pharmacy. This 5 ml vial is good for about 11 erections. If my health insurance didn’t cover Edex, I would have had to stay with Trimix. Based on what I’ve learned, one can expect to pay between $10 and $15 per erection when using these drugs. Generic Viagra and Cialis are much cheaper. Unfortunately, they don’t work for me.

By:
In: Domestic discipline, ED

I ended up spending most of Sunday in bed. I couldn’t seem to keep myself up and running. I got up long enough to help Mrs. Lion bake a blueberry pie. I had to go back to bed before I could help with the second one (we froze it). Mrs. Lion was tired too. She did a bunch of chores around the house. I didn’t get spanked.

It seems to me that there may be a strong psychological component to my loss of libido. When I wrote about spanking and its value in our marriage, I started to get turned on. It could be that my problem is rooted in a need that isn’t being met. There’s no blame to assign here. It’s probably just life getting in the way. I’m trying to figure out what I need.

When I wrote about Mrs. Lion becoming more interested in disciplining me, I found myself getting a little hard. The obvious observation is that I want/need to be spanked. Well, not exactly. It isn’t that simple. Mrs. Lion doesn’t find spanking me fun. She doesn’t mind doing it, but it isn’t fun for her. It’s certainly not fun for me. But that’s not the point. What is?

The answer is deceptively simple. At least, I think it is. It’s the combination of control, rules, and consequences. Just as Spankardy is fun for us, more serious domestic discipline and the resulting punishments create a sort of sexual tension. It’s an extension of me being turned on by spanking. If I think about it, the turn-on isn’t feeling my bottom being beaten. It’s realizing that Mrs. Lion is in charge and is demonstrating her control with her paddles. That’s exciting.

For example, on Sunday, she wrote (“Patience“):

” I’ll give him another spanking today. Yes, I know I promised to spank him more often. I’m falling down on the job. Of course, I could argue that any spanking I give him is “more often” than no spanking at all, which is what he was getting before. And he probably deserves a punishment spanking because he’s been annoying me lately. What has he done? Nothing specific, really. It’s little things here and there that add up. We’ve been fairly snarky with each other lately.”

Reading that excited me a little. Part of that excitement came from knowing that a spanking was impending. Most of it was because Mrs. Lion was going to punish me for annoying her. Discipline! There’s an inherent drama in domestic discipline that comes from the combination of the power exchange and the physical punishments that result from correction. That’s exciting to think and write about; not so exciting to experience.

But wait, that’s not true. It’s the reality of a butt-bruising spanking that make this a high-stakes game. Sure, the offenses and punishments are real, but the game is part of it. Mrs. Lion has commented many times that she likes catching me breaking the rules. She doesn’t particularly like meting out the consequences, but accepts spanking me as part of the game.

BDSM was a fun thing we did

Since we started domestic discipline, we’ve pretty much abandoned BDSM play. Mrs. Lion never did much in that department anyway. Her activities as a top are generally limited to some CBT and, of course, spanking. She almost never uses our bondage equipment.

When I was locked in a male chastity device, Mrs. Lion teased me and got me off by masturbating me. After a while (about four years), handjobs stopped working. Mrs. Lion turned to oral sex. I’ve always loved that. That worked perfectly for a long time. Now, it doesn’t work. Nothing does. It isn’t her fault. It may be that I’m losing my ability to have an orgasm. Maybe my mind hasn’t caught up with my body.

I’m thinking that maybe I’m looking at all this the wrong way. We were both having a good time when Mrs. Lion enforced rules that I managed to break frequently. We both assumed that, aside from correcting my behavior, I was getting sexual value from being spanked.  That’s probably true, but it may not be the greater benefit.

Perhaps the main benefit came from the disciplinary process itself. Sure, the most obvious aspect was my spankings. The reason I got spanked was because I did something wrong. It was a very active power exchange. I think that’s the missing link. There was something very exciting in a scary way when Mrs. Lion informed me that I was in “trouble.” That meant a punishment was forthcoming.

Earlier in our disciplinary marriage, punishments varied a little. Mrs. Lion either substituted or augmented spankings with mouth-soaping and corner time. She would often write about her plans in posts or emails to me. That worked for us.

it’s not all about me

I’ve been talking about what I need and what works for me. That’s unfair. Mrs. Lion is feeling a lot of stress. She wrote about it in the same post (Patience):

“My patience has been non-existent. I think it’s all part of not knowing how to offload stress.”

This is much more important than my libido.  Her stress level is probably what keeps her from being more physical with me. Mrs. Lion tends to withdraw into herself when she is stressed or unhappy. One of my biggest reasons for wanting domestic discipline was to help her externalize and deal with things I do that bother her. I didn’t want her to withdraw or look elsewhere for what she needed.

I think I’m a big part of the stress she is feeling. She’s never been very good about putting things away and dealing with household stuff. Since I’ve become disabled, all of that falls on her shoulders. She has a problem with going at a problem in steps until it’s solved. So she sees the messy house and undone chores as a monstrous problem she has to solve now. At least, that’s how it looks to me.

The result is that she withdraws, and things get even worse. I get it. I feel the same way. The difference for me is that I feel helpless. I know that I can’t do most of what I need done. More stress for Mrs. Lion. Now, giving me sex is another stressor for her. I feel horrible enough about needing her to drive me places and do chores that should be mine. Adding sex to her burden seems very unfair. I’m sure that’s also part of my inability to orgasm.

We will find a way to solve these problems. I know that I will never give up trying to make her life better. She works very hard to keep me happy. We may be in a little trouble, but we love each other with all of our hearts.

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In: ED

It doesn’t appear that Lion’s horny pills are working yet. He does feel hornier, I think. But he’s not getting anywhere near an orgasm. Last night we tried the combination of boner juice and horny pill. He got hard and horny, but it stopped in the middle again. The horniness, not the erection. I don’t want to say it won’t work. It was only his second dose of the magic horny pills. Maybe it takes a bit to get his body used to them. I know he said there’s no “learning curve,” but it stands to reason it will take more than two doses to get things going.

If memory serves, he can’t do another boner shot until tomorrow, and he can’t take another horny pill until Wednesday. Does that mean we wait until Wednesday to do the combo again? It seems silly to waste the boner shot if he’s not going to have an orgasm. On the other hand, maybe the horny pill will suddenly start working. It’s difficult to know what to do.

I do know that we’re not giving up. At the very least, I’ll give him another spanking today. Yes, I know I promised to spank him more often. I’m falling down on the job. Of course, I could argue that any spanking I give him is “more often” than no spanking at all, which is what he was getting before. And he probably deserves a punishment spanking because he’s been annoying me lately. What has he done? Nothing specific, really. It’s little things here and there that add up. We’ve been fairly snarky with each other lately. My patience has been non-existent. I think it’s all part of not knowing how to offload stress. There are plenty of programs at work that seem hippy-dippy, but maybe hippy-dippy is the way to go.

Good thing I still have the patience for the horny pill/boner juice combo.