Wait times between orgasms over the last year.

Sex, namely orgasms for me, have been discussed lately. When we started male chastity, the objective was to control and delay my ejaculations. Unlike many men in male chastity, my keyholder, Mrs. Lion, decided that she wanted control but not to extend the time between my orgasms to weeks or months. Initially, she made me come every night. That was too much for me. Then she extended my wait to three or four days. That was enough time to let me get really horny.

Over the years, the wait grew a little longer. She decided that seven to ten days was appropriate for me. This worked for a long time. Within the last six months, when Mrs. Lion decided to get me off, I couldn’t get there. Even though she tried almost every night, it took over twenty days before I could ejaculate. Mrs. Lion decided I needed orgasm therapy. She tried to get me off instead of teasing me. It didn’t work until February, when I ejaculated between three and ten days after each orgasm.

This was more normal. It seems that seven to ten days is a natural frequency for me. At least that’s how I’ve been over the last seven times. I wonder if this is a case of “use it or lose it.” Am I trained to perform at this frequency? Our experience with other training has demonstrated that I can be trained. I’ve learned to wait until I either get permission, or Mrs. Lion starts eating before anything goes into my mouth. I also have been trained not to masturbate and not to spill onto my shirt. I also remember (almost always) to set up the coffee pot.

Apparently, our male chastity activities have trained me to stop wanting orgasms in less than a week after the last. I am able to ejaculate in less time. I have done it in just three days. Mrs. Lion has decided to reverse this training. I’ve wondered what we can do to fix it. Julie of strictjuliespanks made an interesting observation:

“I get it if you think chastity enhances your sex lives in some way (e.g., along BDSM excitement lines), but it doesn’t seem to be doing that for you anymore. An impartial observer may even say the opposite is going on? Why not give unfettered masturbation a go for a while? Train yourself back into being more of a sexual being through self-pleasure. Don’t sex therapists prescribe something like that to get back in touch with your sexuality? With my husband, we encourage it in one another and make a bit of a game out of it by making it an on-the-spot spanking offense to be caught “red-handed” in the act.”

Julie is suggesting that I begin masturbating again. It’s almost a form of physical training to restart my libido. I’m not sure I can do that. If Mrs. Lion wants me to try, I’m seriously worried that she will stop her efforts. She also mentions that if she catches her husband jerking off, it earns him an immediate spanking. If Mrs. Lion doesn’t want me to jerk off, we can reverse Julie’s rule. If Mrs. Lion can’t make me ejaculate, I earn a spanking. If she’s up for it, she can do it immediately after stopping.

I’m not suggesting that if I can’t ejaculate every day, I get spanked. At least in the beginning, maybe give me two days to recover. On the third day and beyond, no orgasm earns a spanking. Once I reliably ejaculate in three days, go to two. What do you think, Julie?

get a free book if you agree to review it

I’m looking for reviews for my book, Fan Mail. Just send me a note on our Contact Us page. I will have Amazon email you a link for a free copy. I have to pay for the books. Please don’t request one if you aren’t going to review it. I can only offer a limited number of copies. I appreciate your help!

Maybe I’m just weirder than the average lion. It seems to me that a gigantic area of interesting and entertaining kinky fun is almost entirely omitted from writing and practice. When you consider the range of stuff people write and read about, it’s a little surprising that something this obvious isn’t front and center. I’m referring to “conditioning”.

No, I don’t mean going to the gym and keeping your muscles toned. I’m referring to changing someone’s behavior. Almost everything written about power exchanges involves the top making the submissive partner do something. Female led relationships, like ours, carry penalties when I break a rule or fail to do something I should. Coercion and punishment are the main themes.

I’m not objecting to these practices since Mrs. Lion and I consistently partake. I have demonstrated the success of punishment-based learning through my success in consistently following my rules. All this is great and we would never change what we are doing. But it leaves a very big area untouched. You can’t really teach someone to be better at doing something pleasurable with spankings. You also can’t provide reinforcement while something is going on with the paddle. There is definitely a place for positive feedback.

All of us are involved in unconscious conditioning behavior. When it comes to sex, we reward our partner by showing our arousal when we are touched in a way we particularly like. I don’t think that many people actually plan the use of positive reinforcement as a way to condition their partners. Probably the most famous conditioning experiment was done by Pavlov. He rang a bell every time he gave his subjects food. He was, of course, working with dogs. After a while, every time he would ring a bell the dogs would salivate. They had been conditioned to associate the sound of a bell with food.

One male fantasy that is based on this sort of conditioning involves the man ejaculating on command. Given the physiology of most men over the age of 17, this rarely works. The idea is that his partner masturbates him, and when he is close to ejaculating tells him that she wants him to come before she reaches a certain count. The idea is that he learns to associate her order to ejaculate with the actual act. If she always does this when he is very close to actual orgasm, it works. It almost never works from a standing start. Enough warm up is needed to get him close enough to the edge before she actually tells him to squirt.

It occurs to me that there are other, less extreme possibilities. Ejaculation may be the ultimate male expression of male sexual arousal, but it is far from the only useful one. One possibility that immediately comes to mind is foreplay. A nearly universal complaint from women is that their partners don’t spend enough time on foreplay. This has less to do with the man being inconsiderate than it does with the difference between males and females when it comes to sexual response. Nonetheless, it’s something women can teach.

For example, what if when both partners are naked, she takes the lead and begins kissing him. At the same time, she plays with his penis. He will quickly grow erect and will respond to her fondling. She will continue playing with him and masturbating him as long as he passionately kisses her. If he stops, she stops. It won’t take very long for him to catch on. She never does it enough so that he will ejaculate during kissing, but just enough to keep him very aroused. Seem a little bit like Pavlov?

Over time, he will become erect when he kisses her. His arousal will grow the longer he keeps it up. She no longer has to bring her hand anywhere near his penis. He’s been conditioned to associate sexual arousal with kissing. This won’t happen immediately. It could take quite a while. Almost any sexual activity can be conditioned this way.

I think there’s a good reason, maybe not a good reason but a reason, that more women don’t try this. I think a lot of women want to assume the man should automatically get this pleasure from the specific activity. He might, but probably not to the same degree that she does. Men and women are different. Women are erogenously sensitive over a much wider area of their bodies than men. Men tend to focus sexual pleasure on their penises. They can learn to enjoy non-penile stimulation, but let’s face it, we guys prefer direct contact.

Many women don’t like that about men. They think we should enjoy non-genital stimulation the same way they do. Without training, we won’t. The question becomes whether it makes sense to ignore the “shoulds” and just go ahead and do the training. Who knows, it might turn out to be big fun.

Male sexual response is highly dependent on age. As we grow older, it becomes more difficult to physically arouse us. Generally we need more stimulation to get hard and our refractory period gets longer and longer. When I was 20, I could come twice with only 10 or 15 minutes between activities. Now that I am more than twice that age, it’s difficult for me to get off less than two days after my last orgasm.

This is very common. Sadly, most of us get interested in BDSM, orgasm control (including wearing chastity devices), spanking, and other more exotic sexual activities when we are over 40 years old. All of this stuff would be much easier to do and clearly more dramatic if our hormones were flowing more freely. Imagine how much more difficult male chastity would be for a 20-year-old.

The subject that’s both appealing and useful, especially as we age, is male sexual training. A lot of the fantasies are around training a guy to get hard on command and perhaps ejaculating when told. The first, getting hard on command, is probably fairly easy to do with the younger man. Us older guys need physical stimulation.

using your other sex organ: your brain

We recognize that our most powerful sex organ is our brain. Extending the concept, suggests that by stimulating the brain we can also produce physical arousal. I absolutely believe this. When I write or read about activities that are exciting, I find myself getting hard. Unfortunately, this isn’t a reliable way to arouse me.

I can’t predict which topic or stimulus will physically turn me on. Apparently there are other factors below the surface that affect this. However, it’s obvious that I can produce an erection without direct physical stimulation if conditions are right.

In “Clockwork Orange” the villains play Beethoven’s symphonies while they torture people. It gets to the point that just hearing Beethoven sends them into a panic. They have been taught to associate the music with a brutal experience.

learning from religions

Religions do the same thing. Over years of church attendance, people learn to associate the music, the smells, and the drone of prayers with a mental state that is both receptive and powerfully linked to what they call “prayer”. While we don’t have a lot of studies on the topic, there is good evidence that when in that mental state, people can make things happen. No, they can’t make spoons bend or objects rise, but they can affect disease to some extent and influence events involving friends and relatives.

Eastern religions go more directly to this mental state. Practitioners are conditioned by the smell of incense, the repeat of mantras, particular physical positions, and other techniques to quickly get into that special mental state. I am a strong believer in this.

The big question is, can we do the same thing with sexual stimulation? I’m pretty sure that we can have some success. I think it’s age-dependent as well as requiring absolute consistency in preparation. In other words, a strictly organized approach is needed to make this work.

Teaching your senses

If you are willing to try, a multi-sensory approach probably has the best chance of succeeding.

1 Sound Most of us associate particular music with events of importance to us: our first dance with a loved one, a particularly poignant moment in life, the loss of someone. You get the idea. It’s the “Clockwork Orange” association. It doesn’t have to be music. It could be the sound of the ocean, a thunderstorm, or any other sound that influences your feelings. Pick one. Produce it when you’re getting ready to begin the mood for sex.

2 Smell Our sense of smell is directly wired to our emotional center. Remember the smell of brownies baking in grandma’s kitchen? How about your lover’s scent when he or she is excited? You get the idea. Since we want to set the stage for arousal, we need a scent that we can easily produce when setting a scene. One choice is incense. That won’t work for me. I am allergic to most of them. Perhaps a perfume might work. Women have been using that for centuries to attract men. You get the idea. Put on the music or sound, and produce the scent.

3 Touch This is the trickiest arousal stimulus. In the beginning, it has to be direct stimulation of the penis. If you are young, it may be just touching you someplace other than your genitals that will work. For us older guys, we probably need direct penile stimulation at first. The trick is to use at least two points of stimulation.

Start off with touching a sexually exciting spot that is not the penis. If it can be a G-rated spot, like behind your ear, so much the better. If not, rubbing the butt or balls almost certainly will help. When you start out, your partner should first stimulate that second spot. Then, without stopping move to your penis and stimulate there as well.

The idea is to teach you to associate getting an erection with stimulation on that other part of your body. You will almost certainly learn to be able to do this. After you do, your partner can try stimulating a less directly-sexual location in the same way to see if you can be trained to get hard doing that too.

putting it together

Our objective is to use the combination of stimuli to produce sexual arousal. I don’t think it’s possible to do this by yourself. You may be able to do it. Anyway, a good approach is to first execute step one. Put on the music you want to associate with arousal. Be naked when you do. Your objective is to learn to get hard as quickly as possible with minimal direct stimulation.

Next, step two: Initiate the scent you want to associate with arousal. The music is playing. Your partner is with you, and you are naked. Give yourself some time. Lie down on the bed with your partner. Snuggle a bit. No touching right now! Just close your eyes and absorb the sound and the scent.

Once you are relaxed, your partner should then touch. In the beginning, she will directly stimulate your penis while also gently rubbing the secondary spot. In my case, gently tickling my balls is very erotic.

Don’t expect a lot to happen in the beginning. You almost certainly will get hard because she is playing with your penis. That’s good. Stay there, relaxing, and soaking in the feelings.

Her job is to get you as excited as possible. You aren’t going for the gold. You want to just feel how exciting it is as she does these things for you. Once you are thoroughly turned on, she should stop.

This isn’t edging or teasing. She should stop well before you get close to ejaculating. After she stops, relax and breathe in the scent and enjoy the sound. She will probably be touching you in other places. Enjoy the close, sensuous experience. After you lose your erection, she can stimulate the non–penis spot, balls in my case, again. Continue that stimulation for a while to see if your penis reacts. If it doesn’t, she can stimulate your penis until you are thoroughly turned on again.

Rinse and repeat. A training session would probably contain four or five sets of “exercises”. When you are done, that doesn’t mean you get to ejaculate, relax a bit, and then turn off the music. Remember, this is an exercise in arousal not ejaculation.

training for both of you

The value of exercises like this is to condition you both to associate activities, smells, and sounds with male arousal. Your partner may well get turned on too. That’s fine, but it isn’t for her. The idea is that she will have a very interesting tool that will get you hard and ready for more activity.

It will also teach both of you that sex with a man does not have to end in ejaculation. Women already know that this is true of themselves. Both men and women have been conditioned to believe that once a man is hard and directly stimulated, ejaculation has to occur. These exercises can help change that view.

Obviously, this can be done in a BDSM context. It certainly doesn’t have to be. Redirecting sources of male arousal is helpful. Most of us never got a chance to learn the value of non-penile stimulation.

Even if these exercises never train you to get hard when stimulated someplace other than your penis, it will teach you both how to relax and enjoy a nice, sensuous experience.

This can take a long time to work. Like most things sexual and BDSM, consistency is critical. Perhaps one of these sessions always precedes actual sex. That would probably strengthen the connection between these other stimuli and male arousal.

If you try this, please let me know your experiences.

It surprised me when I discovered how easily I could be conditioned to almost-unconsciously change a behavior. For example, the first rule Mrs. Lion made for me was that I would be punished if I spilled food on my shirt. Her thought was that I would be unable to avoid this and it would give us both good practice with punishment. That worked for a while. After a month or so, I almost never spilled food on my shirt. I had been conditioned to avoid it. All it took was consistent punishment every time I did it.

She has had similar results with other rules. Some of them require “reminders”. I appear to “forget” after a month or so. This is true with most of my chores. I really try hard to do them. Somehow, one gets away from me. Mrs. Lion notices and punishes me. If her spanking is sufficiently memorable, it will be at least a month before I repeat the offense.

We’ve established that punishment is a good teacher. A reward is supposed to be too. I’m not suggesting that I get a treat every time I do what I’m supposed to. I’m thinking more of reinforcing desired behaviors. I thought of this in terms of, let’s say, kissing. It’s been my experience that women like kissing a lot more than men. At least that’s true of me. What if every time I kissed my partner, she massaged my cock. I love that and can’t get enough of it. Hypothetically, she loves kissing and can’t get enough of that either.

Even though what she is doing is obvious, I’m willing to bet it will work. I’d learn to associate kissing with sexual stimulation. After a time, I wouldn’t need to be stimulated every time. I would just get aroused because of the association. I’m not suggesting Mrs. Lion do this with me unless she really wants to. My point is that if we think of things that we currently assume should be instinctive or at least habitual, it’s possible to “train” your partner to behave as you wish.

be objective

Instead of assigning emotional value to the desired behavior, like kissing, consider it as something you want to teach, like not spilling food on my shirt. Yes, kissing is a sign of love. It’s not the only sign and it isn’t universal. However, instead of feeling bad that he doesn’t love you enough to kiss you for long periods of time, recognize that he needs education.

Unlike curing bad habits, or enforcing chores, something like kissing will respond much better to rewards. I’m very sure that I wouldn’t learn to kiss long and passionately if I got punished every time I stopped too soon. I would never really understand what was desired. If, however, she played with my penis, either through my pants or directly, as long as I was kissing and increased her stimulation when she particularly liked what I was doing, I would quickly learn how to kiss her the way she likes.

A long time ago a woman I was seeing did something like that with me. I was very quiet, even silent during sex. This bothered her. Instead of discussing it with me as something I did wrong, one afternoon when we were both naked, she started masturbating me. She asked me if it felt good? I told her it did. She said that as long as I kept telling her how good it felt, she would continue. She would stop if I stopped talking. I worked hard to keep up the chatter. I thought it was silly, but it was worthwhile to do it because she was really making me feel good. Over time, she repeated this once or twice a week. I never learned to be a chatterbox, but I definitely make noise especially when I am near orgasm. I don’t do it consciously. She conditioned me to behave the way she liked. We both had fun while she did it.

More often than not people internalize these lapses as a sign of bad feelings. She could have decided that the reason I was so quiet was that I wasn’t really having fun with her. Instead, she looked at the situation objectively. It was obvious I was having fun because she had no trouble at all making me ejaculate. If I didn’t like what she was doing, she would have a much harder time. She realized that I never “learned” to express myself verbally during sex. She decided to fix it.

The moral of this story is that when you assume something your partner is doing or not doing means he is unhappy with you, nothing will change for the better. However, if you look more objectively at his behavior, it may be that he simply doesn’t know how you want him to react. A good way to fix this is to “trade” doing something to him that he likes in return for him doing the behavior you like. You don’t have to be sneaky. You can tell him exactly what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter. I learned that. All you have to do is be consistent and make sure he is having a good time too. It really works. Try it.