Orgasm Isn’t The Most Important Part Of Sex

On Thursday night, Mrs. Lion got me off with the Magic Wand. It had been eight days. She also gave me a maintenance spanking, my first in fifteen days. It was a busy night. She didn’t use Velcro as promised in her post (“The Return of Velcro“). She went right for the gold.

I’m not complaining. She got out the massage table and went to work. Well, maybe I am complaining a little. I get a strong feeling that Mrs. Lion has stopped thinking of getting me off as sex. It feels to me that it is another service she gives me. I suppose it is from her point of view. It isn’t mine.

It’s true that men are much more genitally focused than women. That doesn’t mean we don’t value foreplay. In a normal–both people want orgasms–kind of sex, the man enjoys foreplay by stimulating his partner, getting and giving kisses, and fondling and being fondled. The objective is for both partners to get very aroused before beginning orgasmic sex. When only one partner has sexual feelings, it’s very difficult to generate the same sort of buildup.

As Mrs. Lion knows, she can get me off without any of the “standard” foreplay. She’s been doing it for years. I enjoy the release. She’s had a much harder time edging me. Handjobs are generally insufficient to get me close. Oral sex works every time. It’s been almost five years since I’ve had vaginal sex, so I can’t report on that.

A symptom of our sex-as-a-service relationship is that spontaneous touching and kissing are missing. Physical intimacy is a victim of our unbalanced sexual desire. We love each other as much as ever. I think we’ve lost something important.

The other day I wrote about missing vaginal sex and giving Mrs. Lion orgasms. One of our Twitter Followers sent this tweet:

Mistress liked having me worship her orally even after she couldn’t do physical penetrative sex. She didn’t need the orgasm but she loved that I was willing and wanting to bring her pleasure. It gave me so much pleasure to do for her.

It’s an interesting twist. It also got me thinking about sex in a wider context. The change in Mrs. Lion’s interest in sex and my long-term difficulty with initiating have worked together to build a wall between us. Male chastity gave us a tool to support sexual activity for me. It doesn’t fix our problem, but it helps keep sex in our lives.

I think I made a big mistake about sex. I always thought of orgasm as the goal. It’s what foreplay leads to. Seduction is part of the process of getting off. Right? I’m not so sure. The mating dance usually leads to genital stimulation. It can lead to orgasms. In a relationship where both partners have a strong interest in sex, there’s no need to think about the process. It happens almost automatically. Physical intimacy seems to be a byproduct of sex. I don’t think it is. I believe it’s a key component of the process.

Sexual relationships are complicated. They can break easily. Ours broke long before Mrs. Lion lost interest in sex. My inability to initiate put us out of sexual balance. Mrs. Lion didn’t get what she needed. I blame myself for her loss of interest in sex. I didn’t do what she needed. She tried to get me to understand. I didn’t. I’m very lucky that she found other reasons to put up with me.

Sex or no sex, we are both happier with more intimacy. Just getting off loses its luster after a while. Sure, the other sexual things we do helps keep my libido alive. I would be unhappy if it died. Mrs. Lion’s libido isn’t gone. She’s lost interest in sex. She admits that orgasms feel good. She just doesn’t desire them. Fair enough.

Sex with or without wanting orgasm is important for us

Here’s what I’ve been thinking about. What if we agreed to have sex as a way to get closer? Mrs. Lion can enjoy the kissing and touching. What if I provided stimulation that will eventually lead to orgasm? Somewhere along her path to orgasm, she’s going to want the show to go on. At that point, instead of continuing directly to her orgasm, I stop that stimulation and go back to traditional foreplay. She’ll want to come. We can be very aroused and intimate. Then, I can give her an orgasm.

When it’s done, I know she won’t be very interested in another. That’s fine. I think she may like the fun we both had along the way. More importantly, we are being intimate. I don’t expect this to magically change things. She’s still going to make me wait to ejaculate (maybe). She won’t look forward to orgasms. I think both of us will want to touch and taste each other.

The orgasms aren’t the goal. Everything else is. We’ve been conditioned to believe that the purpose of sex is fucking and orgasms. Well, yeah, I love both. But the most important part of sex is everything else. Orgasms are the rewards for intimacy. Well, no. They aren’t. The reward is a physical bond. The desire for orgasm is the incentive to do the work of being intimate. We both don’t have that need. I think we both have to understand that the real incentive is the need for that physical bond.

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