Sometimes spanking is part of a game. These games aren’t particularly fair. It’s never a question of being able to avoid the paddle, just how badly my bottom will be spanked. One of our more popular pastimes is our NFL game. The rules are simple. I get three swats for every point scored by either team. I get an additional three swats if our quarterback is sacked.

Obviously, I can’t escape unpaddled. In a typical game, the final score might be 28 to 21. The total number of points is 49. That represents 147 swats. If our quarterback is sacked once, that’s an additional three swats, bringing the total to 150. Mrs. Lion administers them at the end of the game. Depending on her mood, I could end up with a pink bottom or one with blisters. We agreed that I should fear touchdowns. It makes the game more fun.

Games like this offer suspense and tension (for me). I find them arousing, at least until the final whistle blows. Then, I start to worry. That’s the fun of the game. The stakes are real. Each touchdown is 21 swats with a paddle. Mrs. Lion is very accomplished at paddling my bottom.

In the past, the swats were administered during the commercials after each touchdown. Mrs. Lion didn’t like having to move around so much during the game. The in-game paddling was worse for me. My bottom burned between touchdowns, and each fresh set of swats was administered on my already-sore butt. In a way, it was like a three-hour spanking. From my perspective, that scoring method worked better. Maybe Mrs. Lion will be willing to try again.

If she keeps me on my knees when she swats me, each stroke hurts much more and makes the stakes even higher. The higher the stakes, the more exciting the game. Another way to spice things up is to change the number of swats per point. Our current value is three. Let’s say that is the minimum. Maybe we need enhancements that would increase this number. There are some interesting possibilities. For example, Mrs. Lion can add one swat per point/sack for each season loss our team has. As of now, the Giants are 6 and 1. That means the per-point/sack swats would go from three to four. That will certainly raise my enthusiasm for a win.

Another enhancement that would strike terror into my heart would be to raise the swat value each time our quarterback is sacked. If Mrs. Lion adopts this, two things would happen. If my base for the game is four (three plus another for the Giant’s loss), and our quarterback is sacked, the number goes to five for the sack and every point scored after the sack. Also, I would be owed make-up swats for the score before the sack. So, if the total score were 14 to 7 at the time of the sack, I would get five swats for the sack and 21 swats to make up for the score before the sack. Scary!

I admit that this seems complicated, but if the swats are administered as the events happen, it isn’t complicated. What do you think, Mrs. Lion?

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