Giving Back What I Took Away

Over the years, I’ve tried to build relationships with other sex bloggers. I’ve had little luck with a couple of exceptions. This is sad because as we all age, we tend to face the same challenges. A big one is loss of libido. It’s natural for both men and women to slow down as they grow older. Some women lose interest in sex entirely after menopause. The medical profession seems to be uninterested in this. “It’s natural,” is the usual comment.

I don’t think it is. There is precious little data about loss of libido. To be clear, libido is an interest in sexual activity. Loss of it doesn’t mean the inability to orgasm. It just means that the idea of sex isn’t very interesting. I blame myself for Mrs. Lion’s loss of interest. I have a lifelong problem with initiating sex. I can’t explain it. Mrs. Lion has never been an initiator of things. She is happiest when others take charge. No, that doesn’t mean she’s sexually submissive. She isn’t. Oh no, she isn’t. But when it comes to sex, she had a terrible time starting the party.

In a way, it’s too bad we fell in love. I’m sure she would be horny now if she had a sexually aggressive mate. She’s absolutely able to have orgasms. She says that she doesn’t want them. She’s not alone. The fact that her hardware works well suggests that she just gave up. I don’t think that was a conscious decision. It was probably a protective move since I’m so incapable of getting things going.

I’m not just making this up. If you go back to our early years, you’ll find numerous references to this in her posts. She was very explicit about wanting me to “romance” her and provide foreplay to get things going. I’d try but couldn’t do what was needed. I felt terrible about it then and worse now.

This seems odd in the face of my sexual history. I’ve had many satisfying sexual relationships over my lifetime. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have partners. I know that I was no more sexually aggressive then. As I think about it, I realize that I’m not incapable of initiating, just really bad at it. I’ve always been able to make a weak first move. My fear of rejection limits how far I can go without a positive response. This is a hint at where Mrs. Lion and I disconnect.

Reading back, her descriptions of what she needed were romantic buildups where her partner kissed and fondled her. She enjoyed accepting the attention. She didn’t immediately reciprocate. That’s what broke things for me. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize this. It would be easy to fix. I guess my work as a wannabe novelist has forced me to replay past experiences.

When Mrs. Lion and I first got together, we agreed it was for sex. We were both ready when we got to the motel. Love snuck in under the sexual activities. Over the years, we lost that early urgency. Our less-driven natures came out. That’s when the problem started. It wasn’t so much about initiation. It was about reaction to initiation.

If made a weak move like stroking the inside of her thigh, in the beginning, she would respond by kissing me and, most often, reaching for my cock. Over the years, that reaction disappeared. She wasn’t rejecting me but was waiting for more arousal. She had no way to know how difficult such a simple little move was for me. Without a strong reaction, I feared that I was being rejected. It wasn’t her problem. It was mine. She had no way of knowing.

I had this sort of problem before. The difference was that they occurred very early on and we stopped seeing one another. Women who responded in a way that made me feel welcome had better luck with me. For a long time, Mrs. Lion responded that way. We both had strong physical needs and set clear expectations. The change was so gradual that neither of us spotted it until it was too late.

Mrs. Lion was angry at me. You can read that in early posts. I was depressed and horny. The reason this didn’t drive us apart is that we have so much more than just sexual love. We are soul mates. There are lots of things that we differ about. It doesn’t matter. We belong together. Both of us know it. There is no distance between us at all.

If I’m right about what caused Mrs. Lion’s loss of libido, maybe we can fix it. It will probably take a long time, but if it isn’t organic, we can probably do it. Before going further, Mrs. Lion has to want it. She may not want to put out the emotional energy to get her libido back. Me wanting her to do it isn’t enough.

If she wants to, we can talk about what we can do. I suspect it is a combination of her consciously summoning up sexual thoughts and, if she can produce a glowing ember, we can fan it together. Maybe writing about things that turned her on in the past could help. I would love to read that. Maybe that would be a start.


  1. My wife and I were talking with an acquaintance last weekend and he said that his parent’s happiest years were in their early 70’s, retired, no kids at home anymore and didn’t have to think about sex. I am sure my wife is looking forward to all 3. She does initiate at times, but when I make efforts to do see I am usually rebuffed. “Not now, I’m busy, that’s enough of that”. I hadn’t really considered it as rejection until reading your post here. Yes, after being rejected on a regular basis, I am not so inclined to initiate.
    We have a very good relationship, married 36 years, but there are some fundamental differences. Three involve my favorite things: sex, sailing and food. She is probably looking forward to my losing any interest in sex, she has no interest in sailing anymore (after last weekend!) and only eats because she has to.
    I am sure that my discovery of my submission has been something she did not expect, but it has been a thing for a good 10 years now. I have considered just giving up on it, but it is not going away. I have pleaded with her to dominate me, but it is just not something she wants to do beyond a rare tease.
    Oh well, be happy for what we have.

    1. Author

      I’m lucky that Mrs. Lion is willing to do so much for me. Have you considered asking your wife to do specific things that you consider dominant, but she might not? We all have to decide what we are willing to live without. One thing I am NOT willing to live without is Mrs. Lion.

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