There is nothing simple about my relationship with spanking and domestic discipline. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I suspect anyone who writes about the subject probably shares my conflicting emotions. If domestic discipline were purely punitive, I would avoid any mention of it. The only emotion involved would be fear of punishment. Spankings would be dreaded and not the subject of discussion. Yet, I write about it with a sense of anticipation mixed in with fear.
You could think that I like pain. Spankings hurt. If I found pain sexually arousing, domestic discipline wouldn’t work. Each spanking would be a reward instead of a punishment. I’ve seen men who are aroused by all sorts of pain, especially spanking. At one BDSM event, I saw a man receiving a serious paddling. He was erect the entire time. Spanking wasn’t punishment for him.
I am never hard when spanked. This was true long before Mrs. Lion began punishing me. I’ve bottomed in BDSM scenes where I’ve displayed an embarrassing erection as I got into position for a spanking. Within a very short time, the erection disappeared. I wasn’t having fun. Yet, I wanted to be spanked. Those BDSM spankings were severe enough to feel for a day or two later. Confusing, right? Mrs. Lion was confused when I asked her to spank me.
OK, there has to be something going on to draw me to an activity I hate. It has to be sexual. How do I know? I get turned on thinking about being spanked. This is certainly odd. I know that spankings hurt, and I truly hate receiving punishments. It’s like a moth attracted to a flame. I’m wired to get aroused when I think about spankings. It doesn’t matter how much I hate it when I get one. I’m ineluctably drawn to it. I willingly lie naked on the spanking bench for Mrs. Lion.
Once she starts beating me, I regret being there. I’m sorry that I brought this on myself. I wonder why I let myself get into domestic discipline. I regret the offense that moved Mrs. Lion to tell me to get into position for my punishment. I’m genuinely sorry.
Not long after my beating, I feel aroused (not enough to get hard) when I think about being punished. I still hate the discomfort left over from my spanking. I know it will hurt for a few days. Would I willingly get on the bench again? Absolutely. Is this a sign of insanity? I don’t think so.
I like the feeling of being controlled by Mrs. Lion. No, I don’t want her micromanaging my life, but there is something very hot about her being able to spank me anytime she wants. The arousal extends beyond paddling my behind. It’s arousing to think of her soaping my mouth. It is not arousing to experience. Do you see a theme? I am turned on by having to accept these painful symbols of her control. In a very real way, they show me that she loves me.
Uh oh, there’s another emotion involved: love. It’s arousing to feel her control, and it’s comforting to experience this very real expression of her love for me. Punishing me is a very concrete expression of love. It requires her to care enough to monitor my behavior and then expend the physical and emotional energy to punish me effectively. She works hard to make sure I understand that there are serious consequences to disobedience or misbehavior. She steels herself and then punishes me severely enough to make me regret my sin.
She isn’t sadistic. Mrs. Lion gets no pleasure out of making me yelp in pain. She would much rather stop sooner than needed to make the necessary impression on me. It’s hard for her. It’s taken her years to be able to beat me to the point that works for me. She’s learned that I need her firm hand. I need it so much that if I’ve avoided misbehaving, that she has to give me a “just because” spanking to remind me of her love and control. It also provides me with new sexual fuel when I think about my punishment.
This isn’t easy to understand. I’m not sure my lioness is fully aware of all these connections. She knows that frequent and very firm use of her paddles keeps me on the straight and narrow and makes me feel secure and loved.