I think that men don’t write much about how they feel about things. We write about what turns us on, or at least what we think turns us on. We rarely discuss how we feel about what happens to us. Years ago, I had a relationship with two women. I’ve written about it before. One liked to top me, and the other was a bottom. Convenient for a switch like me.
Anyway, the top would attach my cuffs to a chain hanging from the ceiling and then paddle my bottom and flog me. She did a great job, and my endorphins went wild. One Saturday afternoon, she asked me to top her. I fastened her wrists to the chain and flogged and paddled her. She was having a good time. I could tell because she was dripping wet. After I finished, we snuggled in bed. She asked, “Do I hit you that hard?”
I answered, “Yes. Usually harder.”
She got quiet. The next time I bottomed, she was considerably more gentle. She imagined how she felt when I beat her. She couldn’t bring herself to do what she did before. I broke my top. Afterward, I mentioned it to her. She admitted that she imagined how it felt when she was hitting me. I explained that lion hide is considerably thicker. She laughed. It took a while for her to get back in the swing of things.
That experience taught me two things: I learned it wasn’t a good idea to switch with someone who hadn’t bottomed before. It wasn’t that she would be traumatized. She would back off because she imagined my experience was like hers. The second lesson was to be careful what I shared about my experience.
For example, I’m very unhappy when Mrs. Lion spanks me. You’ve seen the results. She gives me a serious, adult spanking. I absolutely hate the experience. If I shared how unhappy she made me when she did it when she was first starting out, I guarantee that she would back off. Now, after years of experience, she is glad when I hate my spanking. I’m supposed to, and she knows it. She also knows I need regular spankings to keep me on track behaviorally and sexually. I’m probably overdue now.
My reactions to BDSM and discipline are complex. If I share the discomfort and dislike for some things my lioness does to me, she might take that as a signal to back off. If I write about my fantasies where even meaner things are done to me, it’s unlikely she would connect them to my reality.
This is why I don’t share detailed accounts of how I feel about things that are done to me. They will almost certainly be interpreted as signals to change those activities. For example, unsurprisingly, it burns like hell when Mrs. Lion slathers my balls with IcyHot. I will be in a lot of pain and will complain to her. Without fail, she will let me go wash off the nasty stuff. On the other hand, if I complain and yelp during a spanking, she ignores me and continues beating me. What’s the difference?
We’ve spent hundreds of hours discussing and experiencing spanking. Mrs. Lion wants me to feel the results of my bad behavior. It’s a mark of her ability to see me squirm and hear me yelp. Tying me down and slathering my balls with IcyHot is BDSM play. I don’t think she has a clear idea of just how uncomfortable she is willing to make me. She lets me decide. That’s a mistake. If I’m bottoming, the last thing I want to do is decide when things should stop. I have a safeword if I need the scene to end. Short of that, it’s up to her. Sharing how I am feeling results in the scene ending.
Is that right? Maybe Mrs. Lion forgets I have a safeword. Painfully burning balls is her intended result when she uses that stuff on me. When I report that’s what is happening, shouldn’t she be happy with her success? Or, should I grit my teeth and shut up because any complaint will end the scene? Mrs. Lion is a careful top. She tries new things gradually to gauge my reaction. If she overdoes it a bit, I’ll live. I do remember my safeword if I need to use it.