Mrs. Lion and I have a couple of disconnects. They both involve taking action. That’s where the superficial similarities end. They are our difficulty initiating BDSM activities and difficulty punishing subjective offenses. One is sexual and mostly fun. The other is punishment.
I don’t think so.
Both require Mrs. Lion to initiate activities. OK, so what? She initiates punishments for not setting up the coffee pot. She initiates sexual activities. She comes to my side of the bed and plays with my penis. How is tying me up or spanking me for interrupting her any different?
Consider this. The coffee pot rule was made and discussed. I tacitly agreed to it. No, I didn’t get asked if I would obey it. But it was discussed, and I accepted. Observing infractions is easy and not subject to interpretation. The coffee pot is either set up, or it isn’t. Binary. The same is true of basic sex. Mrs. Lion agreed to tease me and get me off every so often. I suggested it.
In both situations, I had an equal role in initiating. There is no ambiguity.
Wouldn’t tying me to the bed be the same? On the surface, it’s no different than scooching over and playing with my penis. However, there is an important difference. The scooching isn’t initiating sex. It’s being available to provide teasing or release. My reactions govern whether or not she plays with my cock. It’s a sort of passive initiation on my part. It’s not negative at all, but Mrs. Lion is letting me control what happens.
The same is true of domestic discipline. I asked for it. Mrs. Lion agreed to provide it. She’s learned to be an effective spanker. She enjoys catching me break the few binary rules we have–spilling on my shirt, not setting up the coffee pot. Spanking me is part of the game. Again, my agreement is explicit. I can’t argue with stains on my shirt or the coffee pot not ready in the morning. Binary.
When it comes to tying me to the bed or other non-CBT BDSM, Mrs. Lion is in complete charge. She initiates the activity. The same is true of spanking me for interrupting her or annoying her. She and she alone determines if I committed an offense. It isn’t binary. She decides without physical evidence of my guilt.
Maybe the challenge is learning to take full charge. Even though sex is just for me and Mrs. Lion claims that I should be able to decide if I want it or not, it might be better to take that choice away from me. Even if sometimes I’m not going to be aroused by getting Icy Hot on my balls or tied to the bed, doing it anyway might be the best thing to do.
I have a well-known problem with initiating sex. It may be that problem that caused Mrs. Lion to lose her libido. I feel very guilty about that. She’s never been happy about initiating either. The discussion about this always centered around sex. I’m horrible about initiating it. Now that we agreed that I don’t initiate anymore, it doesn’t mean Mrs. Lion will have an easy time taking on that role.
I don’t know the answer. Under our current arrangement, Mrs. Lion is in charge. If I’m going to be tied to the bed, she will have to initiate it. If I’m going to learn not to interrupt, she will have to be just as binary as she is about the damn coffee pot. It’s always easier to find reasons not to do something. We both have that problem. It isn’t really fair for me to expect her to do what I can’t. I get that. I’m just not sure what we can do.