After almost three decades of BDSM, I thought I understood something as basic as spanking. Before being with Mrs. Lion, I must have spanked 100 women and had been spanked by ten. None of the spankings were punishment. They were part of the BDSM play. Based on my experience as a bottom, spankings affected me in a predictable pattern.

First, each swat would sting sharply. I wanted to escape. After a while, the pain would dull. At some point, it would become tolerable, even enjoyable in an odd way. Most spankings started with a hand and progressed to a leather or wood paddle. I rarely felt any lasting effects.

Spanking changed when Mrs. Lion began punishing me. She used paddles. They were selected from my collection for their ability to inflict the most pain. Over time, she learned which paddles stung and made my bottom red and which ones would bruise me and hurt for days. She discovered tender spots inside my crack and on my perineum. She didn’t worry about drawing blood. I bleed as well as get blisters when beaten.

She learned to make the experience miserable for me. I can hear her saying, “You wanted it. You got it.”

Yup, I did. (note the past tense). Predictably, when the pain became horrible and the sexual thrill was gone, I questioned why I subjected myself to this suffering. Of course, the answer is simple: It isn’t my choice. I may have started the ball rolling, even encouraged Mrs. Lion from time to time, but I don’t control how often or how vigorously I get spanked. Spanking is punishment.

Now that the punishment is meaningful (translation: I hate every second of it), I’m forced to come to terms that I am subject to punishment, not some BDSM role play. This realization has come slowly. It’s very similar to Mrs. Lion learning to punish me for annoying her.

It turns out that a light doesn’t just come on, and I realize that I am actually subject to real discipline. It’s a gradual process. As long as Mrs. Lion consistently punishes me, I think that realization will grow until I fully understand my role. Both of us have been learning. It turns out Mrs. Lion’s role is active. She learns to observe and punish. Mine is passive. I have to learn to unconditionally accept her will and retribution when I displease her. The better she gets, the more challenging it is for me.

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