Unqualified sex therapist Lion offers advice that may be helpful.
We are taught that love is a precious gift that a man and a woman share from early childhood. As we move to puberty, we are told that sex is reserved for people who love one another. Sex is a gift. The obvious reason our society promotes the connection between love and sex is to protect against disease and unwanted pregnancies. We are protecting them if we can teach our children to avoid sexual contact until they are in a committed relationship.
As we all know, this strategy isn’t very effective. Most of us have sex with partners we don’t end up marrying. That’s fine. The strategy is actually working because it is reducing the number of these contacts. Girls, who have the most to lose since they stand a chance of becoming pregnant, are taught to guard their vaginas like they are gold. Most don’t, but they are more careful. When we finally marry, these concepts are deeply ingrained. Sex is OK. A couple can have all the sex they want. Pregnancy is celebrated. But, there’s a land mine just waiting to explode.
Both partners want sex. We are designed to want it. How much sex we want is highly variable and changes throughout life. If sex is something that both partners need to want before it occurs, someone will be underserved. Since we know that level of desire is unequal, it means that there is always going to be one partner feeling frustrated. Many people deal with this by masturbating as a substitute for two-person sex. If that is satisfactory, balance is maintained.
The big problem occurs when one partner is unhappy or angry. An easy way to display these negative feelings is to withdraw and withhold sex. The emotional gap is widened by a physical one. Masturbation becomes the only sexual outlet. Withholding sex promotes looking for other partners. It decreases the sense of bonding that physical intimacy promotes. Both partners become angry and withdraw further.
Withholding sex is one of the most common ways partners punish one another. I believe it’s the worst thing that can happen. Sex is a physical need. We can live without it but would rather not. We have the ability to provide it for ourselves without a partner. Sex isn’t an emotion. Sure, emotions ride along with it, but it is simply a reproductive function that needs to be satisfied. Nature programs us with sex drives. Satisfying those drives promotes our health.
If sex is a weapon in the battle of the sexes, the wounds can devastate a relationship. Mrs. Lion understands this. When we started our male chastity activities, she refused to punish me for upsetting her by making me wait longer for an orgasm. The same is true with domestic discipline. Just because I get punished (spanked) when I do something wrong doesn’t mean I won’t have sex. Sex isn’t a weapon in our marriage.
Even if we didn’t practice domestic discipline, sex is always off the table as a way to show anger. It may seem odd, but it isn’t. I know what you’re thinking. How can you give him or her an orgasm when you are pissed off. Aren’t you making him/her happy? It’s a good question. However, it isn’t the best question to ask. A better one is, how much damage do I want to do because he/she did something wrong?
If sex is just another physical activity you share, your mate won’t think he/she is off the hook because of sex. I understand that just because Mrs. Lion teases me sexually doesn’t mean she isn’t going to punish me for upsetting her. Her action of having sex with me may not stop her from being angry, but it does remind her of our strong connection with one another.
The first lesson is to learn to have sex on some sort of schedule. That’s not because I want you to make it mechanical. It’s to help you both learn that sex is unrelated to any emotional churn in your lives. You eat no matter what. You have sex for the same reason. It’s a physical need.
The second lesson is how to deal with uneven sex drives. Our marriage is the most extreme example of this. Mrs. Lion has no sex drive, and I am sexually active. As I mentioned earlier, one solution is for the partner who wants more sex to masturbate. I did that for a long time as Mrs. Lion’s interest declined. When she found out, she insisted I stop and never do it again. She felt it was a sort of cheating.
Even if you don’t feel the same way, she has a point. If you are a couple, solitary masturbation is like each of you cooking and eating meals separately. Sure, you can do it for a lifetime, but you are missing something. Mrs. Lion’s solution is simple and brilliant. She masturbates me instead of me doing it myself. She generally substitutes oral sex, but it is the same thing. Even though the sex is for me, we are doing it together.
You don’t have to do it the same way. The key is that sex is always something you do together. He may not be horny, and she is. She doesn’t have to be frustrated. With our system, she lets him know she wants sex. He can get her off any way they decide to do it. Even if masturbation is allowed, it shouldn’t be secret. The other partner can “help.” In a prior relationship, if I wanted sex and she didn’t, my partner would ask me to jerk off. She would tickle my balls while I did it. It was fun and promoted intimacy.
It’s very simple to deweaponize sex: Make it a routine part of life that doesn’t depend on anything more than one or both of you wanting to get off. That’s it. It promotes a very happy relationship.