Sex hasn’t been on the menu here for a while. I’m not complaining. I imagine that our situation isn’t terribly unusual, but it is difficult for me. About a decade ago, Mrs. Lion lost interest in sex for herself. She can have orgasms, but she doesn’t want them. I, on the other hand, retain my desire to mate. This is an obvious formula for marital problems.

The first three years of her waning libido turned into a sexual desert for me. Sex just faded away. I ended up masturbating for release. I was unhappy, and I think Mrs. Lion missed intimacy, if not sex. I discovered some cheap chastity devices on Amazon. They triggered memories of testing all sorts of these devices in the early 2000s. At that time, I found the idea of male chastity arousing. I had no desire to be locked up, but I loved testing and reviewing the hardware.

Here I was in November 2013, horny and bored with jerking off. I ordered a couple of Chinese-made devices. I had a good idea of my size, so ordering wasn’t difficult. Predictably, the devices were uncomfortable after less than an hour of wear. I persevered and found one that I wore for an afternoon without suffering any injuries. That’s when I had my brainstorm. If Mrs. Lion locked me in the device, she would be my only sexual outlet. I figured that maybe she would pay sexual attention to me if she was my keyholder.

I asked her to do it. She agreed. The rest is documented in the almost-5,000 posts we’ve written so far. The appeal of locking me in a chastity device has faded. Maybe it will come back, but for now, Mrs. Lion has shown no interest. To her credit, she makes regular attempts to get me off. I am very grateful for that. There is still something missing.

In a relationship where both partners are interested, heat is created by mutual need. The desire for sexual satisfaction creates a sort of gravitational field that draws the couple together. While humans and some other primates will mate even when the female isn’t in estrus, there is a much older pattern that you can see in other mammals. Sex doesn’t occur until the female is in heat. Males are always in heat but don’t get very aroused until a nearby female is looking for love.

In our situation, I’m the only source of heat. I’m a sort of sexual charity case. Getting me off has no value to Mrs. Lion. She doesn’t get turned on. Giving me sex is an interruption to her. I love that she does it, but I end up feeling guilty for taking up her time and energy. I think that this is one reason why it’s so difficult for me to ejaculate. Sex is a game that two are supposed to play. Both benefit. It’s fun. In our marriage, I’m the only one having fun.

No matter how hard I try to rationalize our situation, it comes back to the simple fact that getting me off is a chore. It used to be a joy for both of us. I managed to hide from this reality with a chastity device and the drama of playing with male chastity. The veneer was thin with that game. There was nothing in it for Mrs. Lion.

I know she will continue trying to get me off because she loves me. Just send $19 a month, only 63-cents a day, to give some fun to an old lion. I’m fortunate that Mrs. Lion signed up. I may seem ungrateful, but I’m not. I’m unhappy even though I can have as many blow jobs as I want. Sex for me is more complicated than agreeing I want oral sex and then getting it. I don’t have to do a thing other than to lie on my back. Is it wrong for me to say that this isn’t very satisfying? I love it when Mrs. Lion sucks my cock. I don’t like that sex begins and ends when I decide I want to start and when I say I’m done.

It’s sad when I realize that this activity is just one more item on Mrs. Lion’s to-do list. If she needs to do other chores, I’m put off until she has more time and energy. Nothing primal drives her to have sex with me. She isn’t having sex. She’s getting me off. Check. The lion is done for today. I don’t want to keep being a task.

Writing fiction has made things worse for me. I’m writing about interactive sex. It reminds me how much I miss my partner actually needing to have sex with me. Sex is important. It’s something to anticipate and savor. It isn’t a little petting and a blow job. Even that would work if there were enthusiasm and joy. Sex is a happy thing, sometimes an angry thing, but never neutral. If the enthusiasm, the sincere desire to give and get pleasure, isn’t there, then sex is a transaction to be concluded promptly with as little fuss as possible.

It isn’t Mrs. Lion’s fault. She didn’t decide to lose her libido. She’s a wonderful person. Despite no interest in sex, she soldiers on, working hard to get me off. That’s love and dedication. It just isn’t sex.

For the first time in almost a year, we went out to eat. Lion wanted a juicy hamburger. We went to Red Robin. I don’t know how juicy his hamburger was but mine was ooey, gooey, goodness. We ate too much and rolled ourselves home.

Between Costco and eating out, we did ourselves in. Lion got himself undressed and into bed. I think he was snoozing almost immediately. I put everything away that needed to be frozen or refrigerated and then I joined him. It took me a little while, but I was snoozing with him. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’ve been really tired lately. Maybe, as I’m careening toward another birthday, I’ve tripped some old-fogey switch and I’ll just always fall asleep as Lion does. I wouldn’t mind if I felt better after snoozing, but how am I so tired today after sleeping so much yesterday?

I’d like to say we’re going to do something sexual tonight. We have the yoga pillow to test out, both for spanking and anal fun. We haven’t tested out the glass dildo/butt plug Lion bought over a week ago. And since his orgasm a week ago, there hasn’t been much action at all. If not tonight, then by the weekend I hope to get things moving again. Lion has been quiet, which I take to mean he’s not interested yet. Obviously, he doesn’t need to be interested for spanking or anal action. It would be nice if he was, but it’s not necessary.

We’ll get some energy and get going. He’s all waxed and ready to go. We need to have some fun before the hair grows back and tickles my nose again.

After writing yesterday’s post, I decided I should probably go back through Fan Mail and adjust the level of kinkiness. While Mrs. Lion and I have a domestic discipline relationship, inserting spanking into an otherwise sexy romance novel seems like a poor idea. I have to admit that the story flows more smoothly without the somewhat-jarring episodes of male spanking. It isn’t so much that spanking is to blame. It’s more that there is a lot of context needed to establish the erotic value of the practice. The book is already loaded with sex. I think the spanking scenes, while very hot to me, are probably over the top.

Since the first 75 pages are pretty much all about sex, maybe that’s over the top too. I’m not going to change that. Part of my problem is that I find it much easier to write sex scenes than to advance the mystery plot. I’m not sure what that says about me. However, I’m hopeful that the vanilla, non-sexual activities will become easier to chronicle. Maybe it’s a good thing that not many people have read the book yet. It gives me a chance to take in feedback and make adjustments.

I find it difficult to write blog posts at the same time I’m editing or writing fiction. Maybe my synapses become overloaded trying to write two things at the same time. Anyway, I’m discovering that the process of writing fiction is something absolutely alien. I love it, but it’s a lot easier writing about the real world than creating one of my own. Anyway, I decided to let you know what was going on in terms of writing since nothing’s going on sexually right now. If you haven’t read my book yet, please do. If you have read it, please review it.

The yoga pillow arrived yesterday. It was vacuum packed and looked like it would never get to the right size. I left it alone while I made dinner. Lion was snoozing so there was no rush to show him. By the time I was done with the dinner dishes it was fully “inflated”. It’s fairly firm so it may actually do what we need it to do. Next time Lion has to be spanked, we’ll check it out.

After my shower, I snuggled in close to Lion. As I rubbed my weenie, I heard the unmistakable sound of Lion snoozing. His eyes were closed and then he started snoring. I moved away from him to get in a more comfortable position. He woke up a few minutes later and said he wasn’t sleeping. It must have been the dog being a ventriloquist.

The way I figure it, and I may be wrong, is that if he falls asleep while I’m trying to get him excited, he must not be interested. Of course, if he’s really tired then it’s understandable. He was snoozing when I walked in from work. He was snoozing while I made dinner. I don’t think he was really tired. He’s said in the past that he falls asleep because he’s bored. I get that. In general. But if I’m trying to get him excited he shouldn’t be bored. And if he’s bored then he’s really not interested.

I think maybe we have to determine why he falls asleep so easily, especially since he’s not aware he’s even doing it. Maybe it’s worth a trip to the doctor. He may have sleep apnea, although I was diagnosed with it and I woke up more with the mask on than without it and I felt exactly the same. It seemed ridiculous to be woken up more by the “cure” so I stopped using it. I don’t want to add another malady to Lion’s list but it might be something serious.

Tonight we’re heading to Costco. We’ll get back late and I don’t think either of us will be in the mood for love. Perhaps tomorrow we’ll try the yoga pillow. I hope it works.