Sex hasn’t been on the menu here for a while. I’m not complaining. I imagine that our situation isn’t terribly unusual, but it is difficult for me. About a decade ago, Mrs. Lion lost interest in sex for herself. She can have orgasms, but she doesn’t want them. I, on the other hand, retain my desire to mate. This is an obvious formula for marital problems.
The first three years of her waning libido turned into a sexual desert for me. Sex just faded away. I ended up masturbating for release. I was unhappy, and I think Mrs. Lion missed intimacy, if not sex. I discovered some cheap chastity devices on Amazon. They triggered memories of testing all sorts of these devices in the early 2000s. At that time, I found the idea of male chastity arousing. I had no desire to be locked up, but I loved testing and reviewing the hardware.
Here I was in November 2013, horny and bored with jerking off. I ordered a couple of Chinese-made devices. I had a good idea of my size, so ordering wasn’t difficult. Predictably, the devices were uncomfortable after less than an hour of wear. I persevered and found one that I wore for an afternoon without suffering any injuries. That’s when I had my brainstorm. If Mrs. Lion locked me in the device, she would be my only sexual outlet. I figured that maybe she would pay sexual attention to me if she was my keyholder.
I asked her to do it. She agreed. The rest is documented in the almost-5,000 posts we’ve written so far. The appeal of locking me in a chastity device has faded. Maybe it will come back, but for now, Mrs. Lion has shown no interest. To her credit, she makes regular attempts to get me off. I am very grateful for that. There is still something missing.
In a relationship where both partners are interested, heat is created by mutual need. The desire for sexual satisfaction creates a sort of gravitational field that draws the couple together. While humans and some other primates will mate even when the female isn’t in estrus, there is a much older pattern that you can see in other mammals. Sex doesn’t occur until the female is in heat. Males are always in heat but don’t get very aroused until a nearby female is looking for love.
In our situation, I’m the only source of heat. I’m a sort of sexual charity case. Getting me off has no value to Mrs. Lion. She doesn’t get turned on. Giving me sex is an interruption to her. I love that she does it, but I end up feeling guilty for taking up her time and energy. I think that this is one reason why it’s so difficult for me to ejaculate. Sex is a game that two are supposed to play. Both benefit. It’s fun. In our marriage, I’m the only one having fun.
No matter how hard I try to rationalize our situation, it comes back to the simple fact that getting me off is a chore. It used to be a joy for both of us. I managed to hide from this reality with a chastity device and the drama of playing with male chastity. The veneer was thin with that game. There was nothing in it for Mrs. Lion.
I know she will continue trying to get me off because she loves me. Just send $19 a month, only 63-cents a day, to give some fun to an old lion. I’m fortunate that Mrs. Lion signed up. I may seem ungrateful, but I’m not. I’m unhappy even though I can have as many blow jobs as I want. Sex for me is more complicated than agreeing I want oral sex and then getting it. I don’t have to do a thing other than to lie on my back. Is it wrong for me to say that this isn’t very satisfying? I love it when Mrs. Lion sucks my cock. I don’t like that sex begins and ends when I decide I want to start and when I say I’m done.
It’s sad when I realize that this activity is just one more item on Mrs. Lion’s to-do list. If she needs to do other chores, I’m put off until she has more time and energy. Nothing primal drives her to have sex with me. She isn’t having sex. She’s getting me off. Check. The lion is done for today. I don’t want to keep being a task.
Writing fiction has made things worse for me. I’m writing about interactive sex. It reminds me how much I miss my partner actually needing to have sex with me. Sex is important. It’s something to anticipate and savor. It isn’t a little petting and a blow job. Even that would work if there were enthusiasm and joy. Sex is a happy thing, sometimes an angry thing, but never neutral. If the enthusiasm, the sincere desire to give and get pleasure, isn’t there, then sex is a transaction to be concluded promptly with as little fuss as possible.
It isn’t Mrs. Lion’s fault. She didn’t decide to lose her libido. She’s a wonderful person. Despite no interest in sex, she soldiers on, working hard to get me off. That’s love and dedication. It just isn’t sex.
Sex without love, like love without sex, things are pretty dull. While reading your blog today, a seditious thought came to my mind: maybe you need another sexual partner who, like you, is interested in sex, and not in car maintenance.
Some kind of sad post this time. Sounds like a summary.