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We received a Contact Us message that touches on a subject that anyone considering domestic discipline should consider:

“My wife has severe anxiety and low self-esteem. If she were even willing to try to be my Domestic Discipline wife, would it help her or make things worse? I try to be very gentle with her, but there are times that I know that I upset her that she frequently won’t tell me about. I’m thinking that this might be a way for her to feel more in control and free to tell me what I do wrong so I can fix it. If we were to give this a try for one to three months, is there a place that we could go to train her how to spank me? Should I consider restraints so that she knows that she is completely in control and I can’t move out of the way or cover myself up? I would really like to help her, but just trying to be super nice to her doesn’t always work.

On the surface, domestic discipline appears to offer a wife an opportunity to express her displeasure more easily. I don’t think that’s true. First of all, she isn’t the one who wants the ability to punish her husband. He wants her to spank him. He is initiating it because he likes the idea of her dominating him.

That’s what I wanted too. But just because I want to be a disciplined husband doesn’t mean my wife wants to assume that role. I asked Mrs. Lion to try, and she agreed. I had hoped that she would use it to let me know when I do things that annoy her by giving her this ability. That hasn’t worked out. The issue isn’t that she doesn’t have the tools to express her displeasure. It’s that she has trouble expressing herself when I do something she doesn’t like. Domestic discipline isn’t really the point.

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The first step for her, and I expect your wife too, is to be able to growl when she is displeased. Mrs. Lion is trying hard to snarl or growl when I annoy her. Once she has learned to express her displeasure safely, she can move on to use her paddle to teach me better.

The spanking is for you, not her. You are disguising your desire to be spanked behind her low self-esteem. If you want to be spanked, then ask her to spank you. Be direct. She may be willing to paddle your bottom if you ask her nicely. Mrs. Lion spanked me for years just because I like to be spanked. We began DD years later.

The bottom line (see what I did?) is that DD is for you, not her. You want it. It’s unfair to try to tie it to a problem she might have. If you want her to communicate her feelings, then talk about that with her. If you want to be spanked, then ask her to spank you just because you want it. It isn’t very ethical to use domestic discipline to satisfy your need while pinning it on solving her problem.

If you’ve been following along with us, you probably remember Lion’s eye problems. He has very little vision in his left eye. Unfortunately, my side of the bed is on his left. Since we eat most of our meals in bed, he can’t really see if I’ve eaten or not. He’s eaten first a few times and when I catch him he says he can’t really see if I’ve eaten or not. For a while, if I’m not ready to eat when I see he is, I tell him he can start. The other day, I suggested doing away with the rule.

A few years ago we had a rule that Lion had to make breakfast on the weekends. That fell by the wayside when Lion had a surgery. He wasn’t able to make breakfast. He wasn’t able to do much. I would have been unfair of me to hold him to that rule when he wasn’t able to follow it. I feel the same way about the rule that he has to wait for me to eat. If he can’t follow it, it’s unfair.

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Lion was resistant at first. I’m not sure if he didn’t want to lose a rule or admit he couldn’t see well enough to follow it. The nail in the coffin, so to speak, came this morning when he ate first. I pointed it out and he acquiesced. However, he said he’d still try to follow it even if there was no threat of punishment. In the past when I’ve put the rules on hold for a surgery or illness, he tries to follow the rules even when they aren’t in effect. I appreciate that.

The problem now is that I have to come up with another rule just to even things out again. I was already having trouble coming up with a new rule. I guess I’ll have to put my thinking cap on.

It’s very easy to focus on the painful realities we face. I’m an optimist. I look for possibilities, not barriers. Right now, I’m struggling. I’m trying to pivot. I was furloughed last April, and there is no indication I will ever return. My pivot is to try to become a professional writer. My first book was published this past weekend on Amazon. I don’t know what I expected, but so far, one person who gets kindle free books has read 15 pages. That isn’t exactly a runaway hit. It’s too soon to get concerned, but my fantasy was more activity than that.

The second, more worrying issue, at least to me, is my libido. Sex isn’t working all that well for me. On Sunday night Mrs. Lion gave me excellent oral attention. I couldn’t get very close to the edge no matter how long she tried. This has been happening a lot lately. Eventually, I will be able to get to the edge but not reliably. This is a fairly recent development. Mrs. Lion lost interest in sex for herself years ago. She can still have orgasms but doesn’t get pleasure from them. Despite that loss, up until recently, she has been able to get me off reliably. Not now.

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I have been trying to be brave and optimistic about this being a temporary issue. I’m very sad about it. Sex has always been essential to me. Arousal and eventual satisfaction are like breathing. It’s a natural part of me that I don’t want to lose. Yet here I am in this bind. I feel a disconnection between being intellectually turned on and feeling my penis react. I’ve never been especially turned on by porn. Beyond looking for images to use here, I avoid it. Yet, occasionally I see an image that stimulates my imagination. I can see myself in it. There’s one that appeared on Twitter from an English female blogger, TheOtherLibby. She posted an image from her blog that mentally stimulated me. My penis didn’t react. Sad.

Can I continue as a sex blogger if physical arousal is failing? I still know what I find mentally exciting. It’s a lot less fun this way. Should I mourn this loss, or should I pivot and find a way to overcome it or at least live with it? Maybe it’s too early for me to resign myself to mental erections. I don’t know. I can get hard. Mrs. Lion has no problem getting me up. But it’s not the same. I know Mrs. Lion will work to help me past this problem. I don’t want it to become like her unwelcome orgasms.

I whomped Lion last night for failing to set up the coffee pot. Again. He says it’s been a while. It seems to me it hasn’t. However, I guess it all depends on what you consider “a while”. It may well have been a month, but that seems like a short time in the overall scheme of things. How long would be acceptable before he re-offends? And what if he re-re-offends? If a month is long enough to be considered a reasonable amount of time, what if he does it again in another month?

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In the past, he has suggested that I punish him harder and longer than the last time if he breaks the same rule again. There was no mention of the length of time for breaking the rule again. I’ve been a little reluctant to increase the punishment for repeat offenses. I don’t know why. However, in the spirit of getting better with domestic discipline, I think I should try to do so. Consider it a new year’s non-resolution.

I didn’t set out to hit him harder than the last time. I’m not even sure I was hitting him harder. Within maybe 50 swats, Lion was trying to get away and even called yellow. At the time I said I don’t think he ever did that before, but I do remember him doing it a few times I got a bit overzealous. I backed off immediately. I was almost done anyway. From the looks of it, he was starting to form bruises. I haven’t heard a report today, but when I came out of the shower last night he said his butt hurt. I said I hoped so.

A while later we snuggled and after he was ready, I sucked him. The past few nights he’s having trouble getting to the edge. He might have gotten close last night, but I’m not convinced he actually made it. [Lion — I didn’t] Since he’s been pushing me to come up with more rules, I thought of one this morning. I don’t think it’s a good one, but here goes. What if I punish him when he doesn’t make it to the edge? I guess it could be for wasting my time. I don’t know. The problem, of course, is that just after an orgasm, he won’t make it to the edge for a few days. Maybe there could be a grace period. Another issue is that I don’t want him to avoid sex if he thinks he won’t make it to the edge and, therefore, be punished. Sometimes he tells me he doesn’t feel very horny but I can try to see what happens. Will that go out the window if he thinks he’ll get swats? Plus, I don’t want to make him feel worse than he already feels when he can’t get there.

So, in conclusion, the rule is pretty stupid. But at least I’m thinking about new rules.