Uncomfortably Numb

As Lion said, I lost a close family member yesterday. He says I don’t like to tell how I’m feeling. In truth, I don’t know how I’m feeling. Sad, robbed, gutted, and even proud of my family member for finally letting go on her terms. It was an unexpected expected death. The kind you know is coming but you are both ready for and never ready for. Mostly, I guess, I’m just numb. I don’t want to say “what’s the point anymore” but that’s what I keep thinking. At least for now. I know the numbness will fade over time.

Because of COVID, there won’t be a funeral. There will be a ceremony of some sort in the spring or summer or whenever it is safe to do so. Maybe I’m numb because I know there won’t be any closure until then. Maybe not even then. I sort of need an open casket. When my uncle died, my aunt wanted a closed casket and I kept expecting my uncle to walk through the door asking why everyone was so sad. Everyone grieves in their own way. It will pass. I will care about things again.

The plan was to wax Lion this weekend. For obvious reasons, I’m less inclined to want to do that. I just feel like vegetating. He also needs a haircut. That requires less energy than waxing so I might be able to do that for him. I know he understands, but I also know I’m letting him down. He mentioned locking him in his cage might help his recent “broken” issue. If nothing else, and it may be nothing else for a few days, I can lock him up.

I don’t have a crystal ball, but I think I might be able to unlock him and play Sunday. Things won’t be alright then, but as time goes by they’ll get more manageable.