Male sexual response is highly dependent on age. As we grow older, it becomes more difficult to physically arouse us. Generally we need more stimulation to get hard and our refractory period gets longer and longer. When I was 20, I could come twice with only 10 or 15 minutes between activities. Now that I am more than twice that age, it’s difficult for me to get off less than two days after my last orgasm.
This is very common. Sadly, most of us get interested in BDSM, orgasm control (including wearing chastity devices), spanking, and other more exotic sexual activities when we are over 40 years old. All of this stuff would be much easier to do and clearly more dramatic if our hormones were flowing more freely. Imagine how much more difficult male chastity would be for a 20-year-old.
The subject that’s both appealing and useful, especially as we age, is male sexual training. A lot of the fantasies are around training a guy to get hard on command and perhaps ejaculating when told. The first, getting hard on command, is probably fairly easy to do with the younger man. Us older guys need physical stimulation.
using your other sex organ: your brain
We recognize that our most powerful sex organ is our brain. Extending the concept, suggests that by stimulating the brain we can also produce physical arousal. I absolutely believe this. When I write or read about activities that are exciting, I find myself getting hard. Unfortunately, this isn’t a reliable way to arouse me.
I can’t predict which topic or stimulus will physically turn me on. Apparently there are other factors below the surface that affect this. However, it’s obvious that I can produce an erection without direct physical stimulation if conditions are right.
In “Clockwork Orange” the villains play Beethoven’s symphonies while they torture people. It gets to the point that just hearing Beethoven sends them into a panic. They have been taught to associate the music with a brutal experience.
learning from religions
Religions do the same thing. Over years of church attendance, people learn to associate the music, the smells, and the drone of prayers with a mental state that is both receptive and powerfully linked to what they call “prayer”. While we don’t have a lot of studies on the topic, there is good evidence that when in that mental state, people can make things happen. No, they can’t make spoons bend or objects rise, but they can affect disease to some extent and influence events involving friends and relatives.
Eastern religions go more directly to this mental state. Practitioners are conditioned by the smell of incense, the repeat of mantras, particular physical positions, and other techniques to quickly get into that special mental state. I am a strong believer in this.
The big question is, can we do the same thing with sexual stimulation? I’m pretty sure that we can have some success. I think it’s age-dependent as well as requiring absolute consistency in preparation. In other words, a strictly organized approach is needed to make this work.
Teaching your senses
If you are willing to try, a multi-sensory approach probably has the best chance of succeeding.
1 Sound Most of us associate particular music with events of importance to us: our first dance with a loved one, a particularly poignant moment in life, the loss of someone. You get the idea. It’s the “Clockwork Orange” association. It doesn’t have to be music. It could be the sound of the ocean, a thunderstorm, or any other sound that influences your feelings. Pick one. Produce it when you’re getting ready to begin the mood for sex.
2 Smell Our sense of smell is directly wired to our emotional center. Remember the smell of brownies baking in grandma’s kitchen? How about your lover’s scent when he or she is excited? You get the idea. Since we want to set the stage for arousal, we need a scent that we can easily produce when setting a scene. One choice is incense. That won’t work for me. I am allergic to most of them. Perhaps a perfume might work. Women have been using that for centuries to attract men. You get the idea. Put on the music or sound, and produce the scent.
3 Touch This is the trickiest arousal stimulus. In the beginning, it has to be direct stimulation of the penis. If you are young, it may be just touching you someplace other than your genitals that will work. For us older guys, we probably need direct penile stimulation at first. The trick is to use at least two points of stimulation.
Start off with touching a sexually exciting spot that is not the penis. If it can be a G-rated spot, like behind your ear, so much the better. If not, rubbing the butt or balls almost certainly will help. When you start out, your partner should first stimulate that second spot. Then, without stopping move to your penis and stimulate there as well.
The idea is to teach you to associate getting an erection with stimulation on that other part of your body. You will almost certainly learn to be able to do this. After you do, your partner can try stimulating a less directly-sexual location in the same way to see if you can be trained to get hard doing that too.
putting it together
Our objective is to use the combination of stimuli to produce sexual arousal. I don’t think it’s possible to do this by yourself. You may be able to do it. Anyway, a good approach is to first execute step one. Put on the music you want to associate with arousal. Be naked when you do. Your objective is to learn to get hard as quickly as possible with minimal direct stimulation.
Next, step two: Initiate the scent you want to associate with arousal. The music is playing. Your partner is with you, and you are naked. Give yourself some time. Lie down on the bed with your partner. Snuggle a bit. No touching right now! Just close your eyes and absorb the sound and the scent.
Once you are relaxed, your partner should then touch. In the beginning, she will directly stimulate your penis while also gently rubbing the secondary spot. In my case, gently tickling my balls is very erotic.
Don’t expect a lot to happen in the beginning. You almost certainly will get hard because she is playing with your penis. That’s good. Stay there, relaxing, and soaking in the feelings.
Her job is to get you as excited as possible. You aren’t going for the gold. You want to just feel how exciting it is as she does these things for you. Once you are thoroughly turned on, she should stop.
This isn’t edging or teasing. She should stop well before you get close to ejaculating. After she stops, relax and breathe in the scent and enjoy the sound. She will probably be touching you in other places. Enjoy the close, sensuous experience. After you lose your erection, she can stimulate the non–penis spot, balls in my case, again. Continue that stimulation for a while to see if your penis reacts. If it doesn’t, she can stimulate your penis until you are thoroughly turned on again.
Rinse and repeat. A training session would probably contain four or five sets of “exercises”. When you are done, that doesn’t mean you get to ejaculate, relax a bit, and then turn off the music. Remember, this is an exercise in arousal not ejaculation.
training for both of you
The value of exercises like this is to condition you both to associate activities, smells, and sounds with male arousal. Your partner may well get turned on too. That’s fine, but it isn’t for her. The idea is that she will have a very interesting tool that will get you hard and ready for more activity.
It will also teach both of you that sex with a man does not have to end in ejaculation. Women already know that this is true of themselves. Both men and women have been conditioned to believe that once a man is hard and directly stimulated, ejaculation has to occur. These exercises can help change that view.
Obviously, this can be done in a BDSM context. It certainly doesn’t have to be. Redirecting sources of male arousal is helpful. Most of us never got a chance to learn the value of non-penile stimulation.
Even if these exercises never train you to get hard when stimulated someplace other than your penis, it will teach you both how to relax and enjoy a nice, sensuous experience.
This can take a long time to work. Like most things sexual and BDSM, consistency is critical. Perhaps one of these sessions always precedes actual sex. That would probably strengthen the connection between these other stimuli and male arousal.
If you try this, please let me know your experiences.