It surprised me when I discovered how easily I could be conditioned to almost-unconsciously change a behavior. For example, the first rule Mrs. Lion made for me was that I would be punished if I spilled food on my shirt. Her thought was that I would be unable to avoid this and it would give us both good practice with punishment. That worked for a while. After a month or so, I almost never spilled food on my shirt. I had been conditioned to avoid it. All it took was consistent punishment every time I did it.
She has had similar results with other rules. Some of them require “reminders”. I appear to “forget” after a month or so. This is true with most of my chores. I really try hard to do them. Somehow, one gets away from me. Mrs. Lion notices and punishes me. If her spanking is sufficiently memorable, it will be at least a month before I repeat the offense.
We’ve established that punishment is a good teacher. A reward is supposed to be too. I’m not suggesting that I get a treat every time I do what I’m supposed to. I’m thinking more of reinforcing desired behaviors. I thought of this in terms of, let’s say, kissing. It’s been my experience that women like kissing a lot more than men. At least that’s true of me. What if every time I kissed my partner, she massaged my cock. I love that and can’t get enough of it. Hypothetically, she loves kissing and can’t get enough of that either.
Even though what she is doing is obvious, I’m willing to bet it will work. I’d learn to associate kissing with sexual stimulation. After a time, I wouldn’t need to be stimulated every time. I would just get aroused because of the association. I’m not suggesting Mrs. Lion do this with me unless she really wants to. My point is that if we think of things that we currently assume should be instinctive or at least habitual, it’s possible to “train” your partner to behave as you wish.
Instead of assigning emotional value to the desired behavior, like kissing, consider it as something you want to teach, like not spilling food on my shirt. Yes, kissing is a sign of love. It’s not the only sign and it isn’t universal. However, instead of feeling bad that he doesn’t love you enough to kiss you for long periods of time, recognize that he needs education.
Unlike curing bad habits, or enforcing chores, something like kissing will respond much better to rewards. I’m very sure that I wouldn’t learn to kiss long and passionately if I got punished every time I stopped too soon. I would never really understand what was desired. If, however, she played with my penis, either through my pants or directly, as long as I was kissing and increased her stimulation when she particularly liked what I was doing, I would quickly learn how to kiss her the way she likes.
A long time ago a woman I was seeing did something like that with me. I was very quiet, even silent during sex. This bothered her. Instead of discussing it with me as something I did wrong, one afternoon when we were both naked, she started masturbating me. She asked me if it felt good? I told her it did. She said that as long as I kept telling her how good it felt, she would continue. She would stop if I stopped talking. I worked hard to keep up the chatter. I thought it was silly, but it was worthwhile to do it because she was really making me feel good. Over time, she repeated this once or twice a week. I never learned to be a chatterbox, but I definitely make noise especially when I am near orgasm. I don’t do it consciously. She conditioned me to behave the way she liked. We both had fun while she did it.
More often than not people internalize these lapses as a sign of bad feelings. She could have decided that the reason I was so quiet was that I wasn’t really having fun with her. Instead, she looked at the situation objectively. It was obvious I was having fun because she had no trouble at all making me ejaculate. If I didn’t like what she was doing, she would have a much harder time. She realized that I never “learned” to express myself verbally during sex. She decided to fix it.
The moral of this story is that when you assume something your partner is doing or not doing means he is unhappy with you, nothing will change for the better. However, if you look more objectively at his behavior, it may be that he simply doesn’t know how you want him to react. A good way to fix this is to “trade” doing something to him that he likes in return for him doing the behavior you like. You don’t have to be sneaky. You can tell him exactly what you’re doing. It doesn’t matter. I learned that. All you have to do is be consistent and make sure he is having a good time too. It really works. Try it.