Our sleep schedules have been off. Yesterday I was working on a few hours of sleep. I’m not good when that happens. Surprisingly, I was not falling asleep at my desk as I might have been if I was at work. I don’t know why. Even if I get a good night’s sleep, I can fall asleep at work. Maybe there’s something to my theory that it’s a sick building. If the air quality is off, it can actually make people sick. I think it puts me to sleep.
I was struggling to make sense of the numbers I was entering in. Is that a 4 or a 7? And did I just enter it as a 6? My muscles and nerves were taking turns being on fire. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t falling asleep. There was always something prodding me awake.
Around 4, Lion told me he’d written a post. He generally writes his post in the morning or afternoon for the following day. He lets me read it so I can check for typos and to see if it makes sense. He uses voice-to-text software and sometimes he doesn’t catch all the misunderstandings. Anyway, there was absolutely no misunderstandings in his post. He was hurt. I was wrong. And that’s all there was to it. We both write these kinds of “you suck and here’s why” posts from time to time. I guess it’s our way of fighting. The problem, of course, is that it’s a public display of non-affection. But then, isn’t that the point of the blog? It’s public.
Anyway, I’m in the middle of a spreadsheet of sixes that could be fours or sevens that may really have been nines for all I know, and he’s asking for a reaction from me. I gave him the reaction I always do, because I really thought things were going fine. He said I shut him down. A different set of muscles and nerves took their turn to be on fire.
Now, I need to back up a bit here and tell you that Lion wasn’t feeling well yesterday. He was tired, his stomach was bothering him, and he had a sore throat and a headache. I’m sure he was worried that he’d gotten the virus. And he was nice enough to point out later that if he had the virus, I’d been the one to bring it to him. But I digress. He was not a happy camper. I know he’s worried about not getting his job back whenever his company starts emerging from shutdown. I know he’s worried about catching the virus and people we know catching the virus. There’s a lot going on here even if there’s not much going on here. So I do what I do. I take his concerns and overcorrect.
The biggest concern is that I spend too much time on my iPad and I ignore him which proves that I don’t want to play with him because I don’t find him interesting anymore and our marriage is falling apart. (I can sort of joke about this now because I sleeping-pilled myself into a decent night’s sleep and Lion is feeling a little better too.) I decided to put the iPad down for the rest of the day. I’d spend my time focusing on Lion. I knew he didn’t want to play because he wasn’t feeling well, but we’d be together and I’d take care of him while we watch TV and chat and he’s asleep.
By the third nap of his, I picked up my iPad. I know I’ve been spending too much time on it. I don’t ignore Lion while I’m playing but I understand how he can feel that way. I will be more mindful of how long I’m playing. Lion’s other complaint was that he’s had to initiate sex lately. I’ve only done it once in the last I-don’t-know-how-long. Let me just say that I don’t keep track of who initiates what, but since he says he’s horrible at initiating sex, I don’t know what to make of this.
On top of all this, he didn’t set up the coffee pot. He asked if he did and I told him he didn’t. He said he would. He didn’t. This morning I said he never did. He wondered if he’d be spanked. Well, um, yeah. Isn’t that the point of the rule? I know he wasn’t feeling well yesterday and I have been lenient about him not setting it up, but if I’m being told I’m a slacker for not paying attention to him, shouldn’t I hold him to the rule? He agreed but said I should wait to punish him till he feels better. Really? Did I get the same consideration when he dropped the bombshell post on me yesterday? I was exhausted. I told him if I delay the punishment, it will be too far from the infraction (his argument) so we might as well forget about it.
Before bed, Lion asked if he should run the post. I always tell him to run it if it’s how he feels. The purpose of the blog is to share what we go through, good or bad. He said that wasn’t an answer, but decided to kill it. That’s why you can’t find it this morning. It never published. I guess you could look at this post as a “you suck and here’s why” post about Lion. I’m looking at it as a “our nerves are frayed from not sleeping well while we hear about and fear the death and destruction all around us” post. We’re both in uncharted territory and we need to figure out to make it bring us closer together rather than letting it push us apart.