Yesterday, we signed the lease for our new house. The landlord did an extensive walk-through showing us every inch of the not-very-big house. I think closing off purchase of a house would take about half as long. It’s both good news and bad news having a landlord so invested in the property. On the good side, he wants to make sure everything’s right. On the bad side, he wants to know everything’s right and will drive us crazy over little details I’m sure we don’t care about.

I wish there was more I could do to help. The medication I’m taking for the eye surgery I had almost 2 weeks ago shuts down my irises so that it’s always dark. TV looks like a view through night vision goggles. Everything is yellow and black. I have to keep using these drops at least two more weeks. I don’t know what else I could do to be even less useful.

Because we don’t have any children in the house and very rarely have visitors, we are casual about where we leave our toys. Mrs. Lion has been working to put the playthings, he says euphemistically, away. But I’m pretty sure there has to be a paddle or two, a butt plug, and a stray dildo ready to be discovered by a vanilla friend or mover. I don’t think either of us is overly concerned about that. That’s one of the good things about having our power exchanges become routine parts of our lives together; we’re not really embarrassed about what we do and if someone we knows figures us out, it will be the end of the world. Who knows? Mrs. Lion could end up with an assistant spanker.

In the meantime, Mrs. Lion is doing a good job of keeping things organized. Now that we have the new house and are moving things over, it’s getting easier to imagine ourselves in the new space. We were both a little surprised when we realized the room we had designated as a combination pantry, waxing studio, play area is actually larger than we thought. It should be easy to accommodate its multiple purposes. I haven’t been in a sling in about a year. If we set it up, it might be fun to play there again.

Since we’ve been more tightly integrating our disciplinary relationship into our daily lives, neither of us has appeared to be very interested in BDSM play. Mrs. Lion’s “Box O’ Fun” has been gathering dust in her key safe. I haven’t thought about it until just now. I haven’t thought about the sling either until we were down in our dungeon room waxing me and I looked over at it and commented that it’s gathering dust.

Admittedly, BDSM play was never something that Mrs. Lion actually wanted. She did it because I need that sort of thing. I think I still do. But the need has gotten weaker as our disciplinary relationship is gotten stronger. The same is true about my interest in chastity hardware. Don’t get me wrong, I still like being caged. I like the orgasm denial and control much more than the hardware.

I think that the very real power Mrs. Lion exercises through our FLRD (Female Led Relationship with Discipline) and my enforced male chastity, has largely replaced the sensation-based play I’ve always craved. I get more than enough sensation being punished for my infractions. Similarly, the combination of frustration and sexual excitement my orgasm control provides, replaces a lot of the more artificial BDSM fun I wanted in the past.

Mrs. Lion is a superb cock tease. She is utterly unsympathetic to my air-humping frustration when she edges me. In fact, she genuinely enjoys the show when I do it. In recent months, she’s been something of a softy in that department. She knows how difficult things can get for me and likes to get me off when I’m able. I’m very sure she misses keeping me on edge for days at a time. I miss it too.

She’s written a post or two about her seemingly split personality. She’s talked about the ordinary “me” and Mrs. Lion. It makes sense that she looks at things this way. After all, Mrs. Lion is nothing like her day-to-day self. At least, that’s what she thinks. I would like to suggest that these two parts of her are merging. Consider her discomfort when eating with her family and her kids starting before her. She had a similar reaction when we had a house guest, an old classmate of mine, whose manners were, as she called it “European”. I thought it was just rude. In any case, I think there is integration between the Mrs. Lion who spanks me and the working lioness in a vanilla job.

For my part, I recognize this split very well. I’ve had a lot more years to understand how I can be bottom-up and yelping in the evening, and calmly running a project the next morning. It just takes some time. I think most of us have to do this sort of integration. When we first start wearing male chastity devices, we spent an awful lot of time worrying about whether people can notice it under our clothing. In my case, I stopped worrying about it after a few months. The same thing happened after I stopped having pubic hair. In the beginning, I would let it grow back if I had an upcoming doctor’s appointment. After a while, I stopped caring. I had two kidney stone surgeries in the last four years and didn’t give a single thought to the state of my body hair even for this intimate surgery. In fact, the last time I had to go back to the surgeon’s office to have a stent removed. This required a procedure where the surgeon and his assistant threaded a device through my penis and into my bladder to pull the stent out. The nurse prepped me and I didn’t give a single thought to the fact she was looking at bald cock and balls.

An uncle of mine used to say about similar sorts of things that it’s “mind over matter”. “If you don’t mind it doesn’t matter.” That’s very true. On the other hand, we firmly believe that everything we do is consensual. That includes protecting people who may not want to know what we do. Putting away our toys is a way of avoiding non–consensual participation in our lifestyle. If we mess up and someone does discover a paddle or a plug, they have the option to ignore it or express curiosity. If there is curiosity, I would like to think we would answer in an honest and unembarrassed way.

This coming Friday I go back to the surgeon for a one week checkup on my left eye. If that goes well, Mrs. Lion said we will resume our normal rules. That means she will resume her disciplinary wifely duties. We talked about this a little bit and we agree that we both miss that aspect of our marriage. I’m also restricted in terms of sexual activity. I’m not sure why, but the post surgical instruction sheet wanted us to avoid “intimate” activities for a week or two. By default, that means I’m waiting whether either of us likes it or not. I suspect that at the same time we resume our FLRD, we will also resume sexual activity.

I don’t feel sick. My libido is just fine. It’s true that the medication I have to put into my eye post surgically makes the world very dark. It doesn’t make me feel sick or weak. I’m ready to go. Unfortunately, we have to allow for a little more healing. I’m very frustrated by this. For some reason, I didn’t think Mrs. Lion would be particularly disturbed by suspending our disciplinary relationship. It turns out that it bothers her too.

I don’t understand how Mrs. Lion thinks about all this. I’m not sure she has a concrete grip on it either. It hasn’t been necessary to consider in any detail. After all, we began both the enforced male chastity and disciplinary activities as services to me; things that I want to need. Mrs. Lion has been providing them under that banner since we started. Only now, when we have had to suspend both power exchanges, has it become apparent that what started out as indulging my kinky needs has metamorphosed into something we both need.

Obviously, our need isn’t the same. Mine is a consistent wish for chastity and spanking. At least it started that way. Now, it’s much deeper and I feel it as an essential fiber the tapestry of our relationship. I’m not sure that Mrs. Lion has a good idea why she feels we are better off as a couple with our disciplinary relationship. I suppose it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that she acknowledges that she needs it too.

As it’s well-documented here, we’ve gone through a lot of trial and error working out both my chastity and our disciplinary relationship. We both feel we are at a good point. We both feel good about using serial spankings for punishment. The only hitch Mrs. Lion mentioned is that she sometimes loses track of how many more I have to go, and what a particular spanking as punishment for. We’ve been able to effectively use this method of punishment even without accurate reminders of what each spanking addresses. I suggested that Mrs. Lion keep a calendar and note how many spankings she needs to deliver and for what. That would be helpful but I don’t think it’s really necessary.

I know that a lot of people who practice this make a very big point about scolding and lecturing the disciplined male on why he is being punished. It certainly is a fundamental tenet in the parental discipline handbook. I honestly don’t know how important it is for us. I don’t seem to have any trouble remembering why my bottom is being blistered on any given day.

This may be one of the big differences between parental and adult corporal punishment. At least in my case, I have no trouble remembering what brought me into the spanking position on any given day. I admit that it’s helpful when I know that Mrs. Lion also remembers. Whether she remembers or not, I feel her spanking strongly.

The reason that I’ve been writing so much about this lately is partly because my medical issues have taken it away from us. Surprisingly to me at least, it’s left a hole in our relationship. It got me thinking about what we do and why we do it. I think I have a better understanding of how FLRD integrates into our marriage. I also think I understand why I’ve consistently tried to get Mrs. Lion to become stricter when she spanks me. I may not be able to explain it clearly, but I understand a very deep level how important it is that when I’m punished, the punishment is meaningful. It has to be more than what I would ask for in a BDSM play situation. It has to be enough to make me take it seriously and most importantly, make me think twice before misbehaving again.

I think Mrs. Lion understands too. When we are allowed to begin again, I expect it may be a bit different. We’ve both had time to consider what we’ve been missing. Maybe we’ll even talk about it more between now and when we can resume. Meanwhile, Mrs. Lion will get plenty of practice growling at me.

Lion suggested I write a post from the spanker’s point of view. He says we have a lot of posts about how he feels, but not many about how I feel. I guess that’s true. But there’s a problem.

I’ve said quite a few times that Lion asks me questions and then doesn’t like the answer because I’ve answered as me instead of Mrs. Lion. There’s a difference, you see. “Me” is who I am every day. “Me” goes to work, goes shopping, cooks dinner, etc. Mrs. Lion spanks Lion. Mrs. Lion, and certainly 3.0, is a persona.

No, I don’t have split personality disorder. No, I don’t have to create a whole different personality to do the things I do to Lion. Maybe persona and personality are too harsh. Maybe it’s just a mood I get into. You know, someone cooking dinner is not necessarily in the same mood as someone giving her husband a blow job or a punishment spanking. It can be as simple as sitting down to write a post when I have no idea what I’m writing about, but by the end I’ve created another rule for Lion to follow.

I guess the simple answer is that “me” doesn’t have a spanker’s point of view. That’s Mrs. Lion’s deal. Right now, “me” is sitting in the living room staring at packing boxes, thinking about all the things that need to be done. Mrs. Lion made a brief appearance last night to come up with a good title for the torture book that “me” can’t think about right now.

At any rate, Mrs. Lion hasn’t been around much in the past few weeks. “Me” notices that Lion still tries to follow the rules even though they’ve been suspended. (The rules will be reinstated pending Lion’s one week post op visit on Friday.) “Me” can answer questions about the rules and knows what Mrs. Lion thinks about spanking, but “Me” is not Mrs. Lion when she’s spanking Lion. Maybe it’s similar to Lion asking how I came up with that certain thing that really drove him nuts. What thing? I was just sucking him. No, he’ll say. There was a thing I did. Okay. Sure. I have no idea.

We’ll have to ask Mrs. Lion.

The toughest thing about enforced male chastity and a disciplinary relationship is getting it started. Lots of people have written about how to ask your partner to take over your orgasms. I’ve written plenty about that too. Essentially, both conversations require overcoming the concept of mutuality. Most of us have a strong sense of fairness. We distrust one-sided arrangements.

Both orgasm control and domestic discipline on the surface, at least, appear very unfair. In a male chastity situation, the keyholder gets all the sex she wants. The male, on the other hand, has extremely limited access to ejaculation. It can be very difficult to convince a partner that restricting the opportunity to orgasm is actually more fun than the orgasm itself. It’s perfectly natural for people to assume that others feel the way they do. So, when you ask your partner to make you wait, sometimes a long time for an orgasm, it’s safe to guess that they are thinking about how they would feel if they were forced to be frustrated.

A much more difficult sell is starting a disciplinary relationship. In fairness, many of these relationships are started after the man behaves in a way his partner finds unacceptable. Things like excessive drinking, constant lateness, and other neglectful behaviors, jeopardize the relationship and begin to set up a situation where he has to either correct what he is doing or end the relationship. In those situations, if he introduces the idea of domestic discipline, she might be willing to try it as a sort of last-ditch effort to fix things.

By the way in both enforced chastity and FLRD, the man is almost always a partner who suggests it. Since all of this stuff is consensual, it does make sense that the man introduce it to the relationship.

Here’s the problem: In the case of a disciplinary relationship, the man is asking his partner to punish him if he misbehaves. If she came from a family that doesn’t punish physically, she is no context for his request. Even if your family spanked naughty children, the idea of the wife spanking her husband is probably not only alien but a bit frightening as well. After all, if she can spank him, isn’t she inviting him to be violent with her?

In both chastity and FLRD, the partner could also see these power exchanges as signs of male weakness. Even in our liberated times, many women like the idea of a strong husband. Can a strong husband maintain his place in the family if she spanks him? What kind of man would allow a woman to control him sexually?

These are natural questions. Chances are very good that in a conversation about starting one of these practices, she won’t mention this issue. She might not even think about it consciously. But because both represent a measure of surrender, the idea may make her uneasy. Another very common concern is that she will not feel comfortable trying something she’s never done before. Most women are comfortable with their men being sexual leaders, or the very least, equals. In a disciplinary relationship, there is a very strong, clear difference in roles. Taking over sexual control is a very mild form of leadership when compared with physically disciplining her partner when he fails to be obedient.

In both power exchanges a serious change in the marital balance is threatened. That’s why the classic conversation that centers on what he wants will very often fail. The chastity conversation is the easier of the two. The key is to talk about what he wants for himself. In other words, the discussion should be centered on the idea that it’s an enormous turn on to surrender orgasm control.

When I asked Mrs. Lion to take sexual control, I told her that the idea really turned me on and I love the idea of being locked in a chastity device. It was a very simple conversation. I wasn’t asking her to change the way she thinks about sex. I was just stating a preference that turned me on. That’s all we really needed. She agreed to take over orgasm control.

I was incredibly surprised to discover that her idea of orgasm control was to get me off every day. I wasn’t offended by this but I tired quickly trying to keep up with daily ejaculation. We talked about it and she quite reasonably said that if she is in control, making me come more frequently was every bit as strong an exercise of her power as making me wait. I explained that while true, I was having trouble keeping up with her.

It turned out that she really likes making me come. She decided to use her power to indulge this pleasure. She agreed that maybe it was pushing me a bit too hard and decided to reduce my frequency. Subsequently, she learned that she enjoys edging me. It’s fun for her to bring me to the very brink of ejaculation and then stop stimulating me. So, I get edged almost every day, and roughly once a week, I get to ejaculate. It’s a win-win.

The spanking conversation was much more difficult. I don’t have any glaringly serious behavioral problems. I’ve always liked spanking and get turned on thinking about my partner making rules and punishing me for breaking them. Since I believe in focusing on why I am asking for something, as opposed to the imagined benefits for Mrs. Lion, I explained how I felt about being spanked and being turned on if she exercised power over me.

We had a little bit of history which was on my side. Over the years, I would ask her to spank me — a play spanking — and she learned to spank my bottom for fun. So, when I asked her to punish me when required, she had the context of our play spankings to draw upon. However, she was very unsure about being my disciplinarian. She’s never wanted to be anyone’s disciplinarian.

She knew how I felt about being spanked and I suppose in the beginning she considered my request an extension of our play. She created a few simple rules that she knew I would break frequently. And we were off!

I didn’t ask for and didn’t get any punishment rituals. I just got paddled when I broke a rule. It took a long time for Mrs. Lion to get reasonably comfortable giving me a spanking that made me yelp. We didn’t drift far from our original rules. Only recently after about four years of this, has her role expanded to meaningful misbehavior that annoys her.

Over time, she’s made my chastity and role as disciplined husband something she owns. It takes time to make big changes. I think a lot of guys fail to realize how important these changes are to our partners.

Since my conversations that started this off were based 100% on what I expected to get from them, it was reasonably easy for Mrs. Lion to agree. When I began to get excited and want her role to expand, she had the good sense to listen to me and then tell me she wasn’t ready. It wasn’t a terrible blow because I was getting what I asked for in the first place.

I think we’re a good example of what happens when the major control my keyholder and disciplining wife took was to stop me from trying to push things too far too fast. Now, lioness 3.0 is here to stay. Orgasm control is my sex life. Spanking and FLRD are important parts of our relationship and we both support them wholeheartedly. When I do something wrong, I get that knowing look and she tells me how many days of punishment I am going to get. We don’t have any more discussions on the subject.

The initial conversation is important in both cases. But it’s not important the way most guys think. The key is to simplify the requests and restrict them to what you want. Resist any attempt to tell her the benefits she will get. I think you’ll find that like Mrs. Lion, your partner is much more receptive to doing things that will make you happy than she is to changing the way she thinks about her relationship with you.