The First Conversation

The toughest thing about enforced male chastity and a disciplinary relationship is getting it started. Lots of people have written about how to ask your partner to take over your orgasms. I’ve written plenty about that too. Essentially, both conversations require overcoming the concept of mutuality. Most of us have a strong sense of fairness. We distrust one-sided arrangements.

Both orgasm control and domestic discipline on the surface, at least, appear very unfair. In a male chastity situation, the keyholder gets all the sex she wants. The male, on the other hand, has extremely limited access to ejaculation. It can be very difficult to convince a partner that restricting the opportunity to orgasm is actually more fun than the orgasm itself. It’s perfectly natural for people to assume that others feel the way they do. So, when you ask your partner to make you wait, sometimes a long time for an orgasm, it’s safe to guess that they are thinking about how they would feel if they were forced to be frustrated.

A much more difficult sell is starting a disciplinary relationship. In fairness, many of these relationships are started after the man behaves in a way his partner finds unacceptable. Things like excessive drinking, constant lateness, and other neglectful behaviors, jeopardize the relationship and begin to set up a situation where he has to either correct what he is doing or end the relationship. In those situations, if he introduces the idea of domestic discipline, she might be willing to try it as a sort of last-ditch effort to fix things.

By the way in both enforced chastity and FLRD, the man is almost always a partner who suggests it. Since all of this stuff is consensual, it does make sense that the man introduce it to the relationship.

Here’s the problem: In the case of a disciplinary relationship, the man is asking his partner to punish him if he misbehaves. If she came from a family that doesn’t punish physically, she is no context for his request. Even if your family spanked naughty children, the idea of the wife spanking her husband is probably not only alien but a bit frightening as well. After all, if she can spank him, isn’t she inviting him to be violent with her?

In both chastity and FLRD, the partner could also see these power exchanges as signs of male weakness. Even in our liberated times, many women like the idea of a strong husband. Can a strong husband maintain his place in the family if she spanks him? What kind of man would allow a woman to control him sexually?

These are natural questions. Chances are very good that in a conversation about starting one of these practices, she won’t mention this issue. She might not even think about it consciously. But because both represent a measure of surrender, the idea may make her uneasy. Another very common concern is that she will not feel comfortable trying something she’s never done before. Most women are comfortable with their men being sexual leaders, or the very least, equals. In a disciplinary relationship, there is a very strong, clear difference in roles. Taking over sexual control is a very mild form of leadership when compared with physically disciplining her partner when he fails to be obedient.

In both power exchanges a serious change in the marital balance is threatened. That’s why the classic conversation that centers on what he wants will very often fail. The chastity conversation is the easier of the two. The key is to talk about what he wants for himself. In other words, the discussion should be centered on the idea that it’s an enormous turn on to surrender orgasm control.

When I asked Mrs. Lion to take sexual control, I told her that the idea really turned me on and I love the idea of being locked in a chastity device. It was a very simple conversation. I wasn’t asking her to change the way she thinks about sex. I was just stating a preference that turned me on. That’s all we really needed. She agreed to take over orgasm control.

I was incredibly surprised to discover that her idea of orgasm control was to get me off every day. I wasn’t offended by this but I tired quickly trying to keep up with daily ejaculation. We talked about it and she quite reasonably said that if she is in control, making me come more frequently was every bit as strong an exercise of her power as making me wait. I explained that while true, I was having trouble keeping up with her.

It turned out that she really likes making me come. She decided to use her power to indulge this pleasure. She agreed that maybe it was pushing me a bit too hard and decided to reduce my frequency. Subsequently, she learned that she enjoys edging me. It’s fun for her to bring me to the very brink of ejaculation and then stop stimulating me. So, I get edged almost every day, and roughly once a week, I get to ejaculate. It’s a win-win.

The spanking conversation was much more difficult. I don’t have any glaringly serious behavioral problems. I’ve always liked spanking and get turned on thinking about my partner making rules and punishing me for breaking them. Since I believe in focusing on why I am asking for something, as opposed to the imagined benefits for Mrs. Lion, I explained how I felt about being spanked and being turned on if she exercised power over me.

We had a little bit of history which was on my side. Over the years, I would ask her to spank me — a play spanking — and she learned to spank my bottom for fun. So, when I asked her to punish me when required, she had the context of our play spankings to draw upon. However, she was very unsure about being my disciplinarian. She’s never wanted to be anyone’s disciplinarian.

She knew how I felt about being spanked and I suppose in the beginning she considered my request an extension of our play. She created a few simple rules that she knew I would break frequently. And we were off!

I didn’t ask for and didn’t get any punishment rituals. I just got paddled when I broke a rule. It took a long time for Mrs. Lion to get reasonably comfortable giving me a spanking that made me yelp. We didn’t drift far from our original rules. Only recently after about four years of this, has her role expanded to meaningful misbehavior that annoys her.

Over time, she’s made my chastity and role as disciplined husband something she owns. It takes time to make big changes. I think a lot of guys fail to realize how important these changes are to our partners.

Since my conversations that started this off were based 100% on what I expected to get from them, it was reasonably easy for Mrs. Lion to agree. When I began to get excited and want her role to expand, she had the good sense to listen to me and then tell me she wasn’t ready. It wasn’t a terrible blow because I was getting what I asked for in the first place.

I think we’re a good example of what happens when the major control my keyholder and disciplining wife took was to stop me from trying to push things too far too fast. Now, lioness 3.0 is here to stay. Orgasm control is my sex life. Spanking and FLRD are important parts of our relationship and we both support them wholeheartedly. When I do something wrong, I get that knowing look and she tells me how many days of punishment I am going to get. We don’t have any more discussions on the subject.

The initial conversation is important in both cases. But it’s not important the way most guys think. The key is to simplify the requests and restrict them to what you want. Resist any attempt to tell her the benefits she will get. I think you’ll find that like Mrs. Lion, your partner is much more receptive to doing things that will make you happy than she is to changing the way she thinks about her relationship with you.

Tell us what you think or ask us a question