Burnt Toast

Here’s the thing: I really do see the value in letting Lion know how I feel. The problem is that I’m working against mumbly-two years of not letting people know how I feel. And another problem is that I’m never entirely sure if I’m overreacting.

Let’s deal with the second one first. Work has been very stressful lately. New coworkers, a new office, people are on vacation, people are stupid. Ok, maybe not stupid, but they’re not paying attention very closely and making stupid mistakes. My boss and I get hit with the brunt of those mistakes. One person’s oopsy may not be so hard to handle, but when fifteen people each have an oopsy (and they rarely have just one) it adds up quickly. So when Lion asked for something “right now” the other day, it came on the heals of ten oopsies and rubbed me the wrong way. Ordinarily I probably would have said, “Oopsy. I didn’t see your email in time to respond quicker” and things would have gone on as normal. Instead, I said the equivalent of “what kind of sh*t is right now?” because I was already at the end of my rope. In hindsight, Lion had no way of knowing how my day was going. I guess he can always assume that the stupid people are out in force, but some days I handle it better than others.

Not letting people know how I feel is probably a bigger problem. Some people don’t have an issue with getting what they want when they want it. They’ve learned to be assertive. I, on the other hand, will take the small piece, the burnt toast, the leftover whatever, and I’ll be glad I got that much. I guess that’s a result of being raised by depression-era parents and being an introvert. Sticking my neck out is a good way to get your head taken off.

I am trying though. When I really want Lion to have the bigger piece, I’ve been trying to tell him to take it. When I want him to watch whatever he wants on TV, I’ve been trying to tell him. He’s been having trouble understanding that I’m giving him the bigger piece or letting him choose the TV shows because that’s what I want and not because I don’t want confrontation. So much so that I wind up saying, “YOU TAKE THE BIGGER PIECE BECAUSE I SAID SO.” And then, of course, I feel bad because I raised my voice to him. Baby steps.