Email, and by extension, blog posts, offer excellent opportunities for miscommunication. Yesterday, Mrs. Lion as our on-the-scene reporter wrote a post about my “Shoulds” and “Shouldn’ts”. She commented on my discussions with her regarding how I reacted to her spanking, welcome-mat seat, and other things that hurts. This stirred up a little hornet’s nest of comments.
The chorus of “shoulds” from our readers refer to topping from the bottom. While you may feel I shouldn’t offer feedback, I wasn’t topping from the bottom. There is one good reason why not. I didn’t open my mouth until some time after the punishment was over. You can’t top from the bottom if there is nothing happening when I speak.
Julie commented that her cure for topping from the bottom is to cut off kink. Well, we are in a disciplinary relationship. A week’s vacation from rules and punishment is probably not in either of our best interest. I was offering my opinion of my punishment.
Mrs. Lion’s very-valid point in her post was that I make her feel that she isn’t doing a good job if I offer what I think are suggestions. Clearly, I’m making a mistake when I offer my view. All I am writing now is based on her post, not a conversation on feelings. Just sayin’.
The main issue isn’t that I offer feedback and suggestions. It’s that I make her feel that she isn’t doing things correctly. This is an ongoing issue between us. Why are suggestions and my responses to what she does mean she is failing?
We’ve had the same issue come up when I suggest a new activity I’ve read about. She interprets that suggestion as an indication of my dissatisfaction with what she is doing at the time.
None of this is true. For example, if after a spanking I suggest she could have gone on longer/harder, it doesn’t mean that what she did wasn’t good enough. Not at all. It’s honest feedback that I feel I could take more should she want to give it. I’m at a loss on how I can communicate where she is in terms of my ability to handle her spankings.
I do call “Yellow” when it is getting to be too much. Mrs. Lion backs off. I appreciate that. As feedback, I suggested that she needn’t back off as much as she does. It was a suggestion, not a review.
Clearly there is a disconnect. We need to fix this. Is it better for me to just shut up and let Mrs. Lion work in a vacuum? I’m starting to think that this is the only way I can avoid hurting her feelings. Is there another way to allow me input?
I think feedback is critical, at least as things are developing, in order to allow Mrs. Lion to better understand how things look from my side of the paddle. It isn’t that I am complaining that she is too severe. I think that would be wrong for me to whine about. I’m letting her know that I am able to go further if she wants.
In the Monday night spanking, she hit a spot that frequently bleeds a bit. I don’t know for sure, but I think the blood prompted her to stop. I just wanted her to know that I just need a band aid on the spot and then she could continue.
The other “should” had to do with me sitting on the Welcome stool. I know I was red and irritated by the coconut mat. It was very uncomfortable. But my red thighs were not allergic reactions. My skin is very sensitive now. That’s true. But I can tell if something is going to make me itch or if it is just sore. In this case I was sore.
Shouldn’t I have let her know that was the case? Should I offer feedback? See? There is a Should and a Shouldn’t. Am I just being tactless? How can I know if Mrs. Lion is holding back because she wanted to at the time or she worried about my welfare. Given the offense, interrupting, I know that always earns severe punishment. That’s why I mentioned she could have gone further.
I think it is important to communicate my reactions to what happens to me. I don’t want to do it in order to control things. I want to be sure my lioness is fully informed. When I do want her to do something to me, I ask directly. But I never ask in punishment situations. If I want a much stronger spanking, I will ask for a “play” spanking that goes further. (I may do that)
Of course, she’s never told me that she didn’t want the feedback. There’s one very obvious point I would like to make. If Mrs. Lion felt that I thought she wasn’t doing a good job, why didn’t she ask me if that is what I meant? Or, why didn’t she tell me to shut up because she didn’t want my opinion? Internalizing my feedback incorrectly without looking for clarification is a communication problem, not topping from the bottom.
This isn’t a new issue for us. Completely outside our power exchange we have the same situation. Does offering a way to improve something constitute a criticism of the way things are going now? That’s the real question. How can Mrs. Lion, or anyone else, know how I am thinking or feeling? Does it matter how I feel? It seems to me that if my feedback was that my punishment was too harsh, then there would be a case for me taking over. I can’t think of a single instance I complained. I have offered ways to intensify my experience. My reason for doing this is that I realize I need more to fully internalize the point the punishment is trying to make.
I’m about to give up. Even I can get to the point when I feel I can’t do anything right. Maybe our power exchange and this blog are toxic. [Mrs. Lion – Nope. Veto. You’re not giving up, Lion. Because I’m not giving up. We’ll figure this out.]