Problem Solving

Life has sent us some difficult challenges. I’ve been writing about my torn rotator cuff and the impending surgery to correct it. Pre-surgical pain and the long recuperation after surgery make things difficult for both of us. I’ve had periods of distress when I am hurting or thinking about how my life will change for at least a year after the surgery. Mrs. Lion has been great about helping me.

I will be out of work for at least four weeks and then I will be unable to drive for another three or four months. I will need care at home for at least eight weeks. Mrs. Lion will be my care giver. She will have to lose work for at least a week after the surgery. My arm will be in a sling which will make it difficult for me to dress or feed myself.

Mrs. Lion and I have been working together to figure out how to preserve the quality of our lives while accommodating my temporary disability. I’m struck by how stress free this problem solving is for us. Yes, I am very upset about the prospect of a long, painful recovery. But I feel secure that Mrs. Lion and I will find ways to continue our power exchange.

More importantly, we both work hard to discover ways I can cope with losing the use of one arm for such a long time. Mrs. Lion has found numerous ways we can work around my disability. I’m struck by how little this affects our relationship. Without discussing it, both of us treat it as a problem we will solve. There are no emotions in this process.

It’s true that I have been upset and distressed by the pain and the fear of being disabled. Mrs. Lion is understanding and supportive. Without her help, I almost certainly would not go through with the surgery. She spends hours almost every day researching ways we can cope with my disability. I do the same.

We are approaching this challenge exactly the way I would at work. It’s a dispassionate process of discovering ways to make things work better. Neither of us can imagine being apart. So, that means figuring out how to work together. She may be in charge, but she doesn’t own all of our problems. I can’t say, “You’re in charge. Figure out how we will run our lives with my recovery in the way.” That’s silly. It’s equally silly for me to assume that I have to do everything for myself. We share everything.

The reason I decided to write about this is that I’ve noticed that many people turn every environmental situation into an emotional battle. So much energy is expended on the give and take that there is nothing left to solve the problem. Our approach is to discuss problems, even intimate ones that can be emotional powder kegs.

A good example is my complaint that since I stopped wearing my cage, the snuggles and teasing stopped. We discussed the problem. I felt a little abandoned because I love that time together. Mrs. Lion didn’t want to make my pain worse by snuggling when I wasn’t feeling good. You can imagine what a mess we could make with this. I was feeling that we had regressed.

So, we did what we always do; we discussed it. Mrs. Lion reminded me that I don’t need to be wearing the cage to get snuggles and teasing. I reminded her that snuggles are always welcome and that I love it when she tries to get me aroused even if I can’t at the time. Problem solved. Every night we snuggle and she tries to get me hard. Whether or not she succeeds, we both like the intimacy.

I don’t know how we got so good at this. Somehow we managed and we are both happy and grateful.


  1. Author

    I have had three shoulder surgeries. In one case my arm was strapped to my chest for about 12 weeks. There was not going to be movement of that arm. I still fed myself and figured out a way of getting dressed. Someone had to cut my meat and I couldn’t wear tight pants. But I got by. The full recovery was longer than a year but I was doing most things more than adequately shortly after taking the sling off. You too will find a way. All the best!

    1. Author

      I can use my arm. Yes, it hurts much of the time, but it works. Hence my waffling.

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